


Figuring Out Who Natasha Romanoff Really Is

by littlesolo



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-10
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-02-20 06:53:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 58,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22077910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlesolo/pseuds/littlesolo
Summary: Natasha is still new at SHIELD and is successfully under going deprogramming and is completing missions successfully.  This is the first time she's learning that there is more to life than what Red Room taught her, what she's believed her whole life.  She's figuring out who she is other than an assassin and spy and she's experiencing feelings for the first time and most of them are focused on a Maria Hill.  When it comes to dealing with them, she has no idea what to do and goes to Clint for help figuring them out.  The only problem with all this is that if she pursues even just a friendship with Maria, it will have repercussions for them both.Please note the rating change.  This only applies to chapter 10 at the moment, but there will be violence in future.
Relationships: Maria Hill/Natasha Romanov
Comments: 44
Kudos: 404





	1. Feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha's having feelings for the first time. Personal feelings, the kind she's spent most of her life either avoiding or ignoring. Unsure what to do, she goes to Clint for help.

Natasha isn’t sure what to do and that is an unusual feeling for her. Natasha is the sort to have back up plans and multiple contingencies in case the original back up plan didn’t work out. Now one could make the point that not all her plans all completely thought out and Natasha wouldn’t dispute this, but at least she had the beginnings of a plan. Point is, Natasha has plans for just about any situation, just not this one apparently. 

Usually, Natasha has also been a master at hiding her emotions, but apparently, she needs to brush up on her skills a bit because Clint can tell when she’s playing him. 

“What’s on your mind little spider?” asks Clint as he settles down across from Natasha. Natasha is currently sitting in one of his nests in the helicarrier. From here they can see the helicarrier bridge and the long hallway of offices and conference rooms. Clint likes to keep an eye on what’s going on as best he can. He used to trust Coulson, after all he’d been Clint’s handler for years, but Phil’s distrust of Natasha made him begin to question him. 

Natasha rolls her eyes at him. 

“You’re only five inches taller than me” replies the assassin. Then she turns away again. Clint can’t read her face if she’s not looking at him. 

“Come on! Something is up with you and it’s been bugging you for a while now, what is it?” persists the archer. She really needs to step up her game. Natasha sighs. She really wants to figure this out and maybe a second perspective with all…this would help. Still, that isn’t really her style but Clint’s married which means that he successfully did the whole dating thing. Well, here goes…

“I’m having…. Feelings… like _feeling_ feelings” starts Natasha explains, still not sure this was a good idea. To his credit, all that Clint does is nods. He knows how hard Natasha has worked to get through all the deprograming. 

“Feelings are good! Everyone has feelings, Nat” says Clint carefully. Natasha shakes her head violently, disagreeing with his assessment. 

“Not me. I am an expert of compartmentalizing and repressing my feelings. But now… it’s not working…”

“That’s because you’re overcoming your training! You are more than what they made you and these feelings that you’re having, they are proof of that. You just need to… sort out exactly what these feelings are…” says Clint. He has no idea where this is going, but is grateful that Natasha trusts him with… whatever this is. He watches as Natasha fiddles with her fingers, something very uncharacteristic of her, and tries to keep his face neutral. Natasha looks like she’s trying to find the words to explain, so he gives her all the time she needs. 

It’s ten minutes before she speaks again, but Clint doesn’t dare bother looking at his watch. 

“I’m having feelings for someone…” starts Natasha again. Clint tries not to, but his eyebrows apparently have a will of their own and raise on his forehead. Aside from himself, he wasn’t aware that there was anyone Natasha could stand, except for maybe Fury. 

“Okay, so how’d this start?” he asks softly. Natasha shrugs and gathers her thoughts once more. 

“I don’t know. She’s just always kind of around. I watch her in the gym sometimes, training the new recruits or working on her own. She’s… impressive. But she’s also confident, capable, and dedicated…” says Natasha, continuing to sound unsure of herself. It so awkward hearing this tone from her, but Clint says nothing. The fact that Natasha prefers the ladies doesn’t really come as a surprise. He hadn’t guessed it, had had no idea, but for some reason it fits with Natasha. He has a feeling he knows who she’s talking about too. Sharon Carter is very much the things Natasha described. Sharon is more than just your average agent though. She is the niece of Director Peggy Carter, but she goes by the title Agent 13 while working for SHIELD. Very few know her true identity, but it really wouldn’t surprise him if Natasha had looked up Sharon’s file. Sharon has fought for the place as one of Fury’s top agents, going on missions and proving herself. Clint tries to think back though and he doesn’t remember Nat or Sharon ever interacting. Clint was constantly by Natasha’s side well, because he’s more or less adopted her as his little sister, but also because Phil Coulson doesn’t trust her yet. 

“What else do you like about her?” he asks gently. He always figured he’d be having this conversation with his children, when they started dating, but he supposed now was good practice for when that time came. Natasha looks over to the bridge briefly, before turning back towards him. 

“She has long, silky brown hair and the most amazing blue eyes…” continues Natasha, and it brings all of Clint’s thoughts to a screeching halt. She wasn’t describing Sharon Carter at all. For starters, Sharon had blonde hair and brown eyes. Thoroughly confused, Clint looks over at the helicarrier bridge, searching for whatever Natasha had been looking at. Then he sees her. 

Fury’s right hand, Commander Maria Hill. 

To be fair, Sharon has a lot in common with Maria, the Carter family had raised Maria from when she was twelve. The two were practically sisters. Natasha would know that if she interacted with the other agents, but Natasha has a habit of self-isolating when she’s not with Clint. Most of the other agents know what Natasha used to be and make no effort to hide what they think of her. That she’s nothing more than a monster, a killing robot, a heartless assassin. It doesn’t seem to bother Natasha. She’s knows how much effort she’s putting into becoming someone new. Clint’s proud of her. However, he also knows the fraternization rules though and that is what makes all of these feelings tricky. He doesn’t want to be the one to tell her that nothing could ever come of her… feelings for the Commander. For one, Phil would have a conniption. He could already sense Coulson’s train of thought. He’d see it as Natasha trying to get close to one of SHIELD’s top agents to exploit her somehow. Not that Maria would let her. Then there was the fact that Natasha’s feelings were genuine. He thought hard for a moment as to what to do. 

“Maybe… maybe you should start as friends first” he suggests. There’s nothing wrong with them being friends that he could see. The only problem was Maria’s reputation. She wasn’t known for being the warmest person. But she had put her career on the line when she had Clint make the deal that had spared Natasha’s life. There had to be something she knew that would have made her do that… 

Clint shakes his head clear and out of his ponderings to focus back on Natasha. She’s saying something. 

“I…don’t know how to do that. To be friends…” states Natasha. “All my… _Most_ of my relationships are just a means to an end.” That makes Clint squint at her. She seems to notice and scoffs at him. “Not with you.” Clint nods. 

“Well, let’s take things slow, huh? Maybe try finding something you both do to start things off? Like sparring?” 

“It wouldn’t be a fair match” says Natasha with a shrug. She can’t see Maria signing up to get her ass kicked. 

“So start maybe with a meal in the mess and see how that goes” answers Clint. So long as Natasha inserted herself into the situation and didn’t give Maria the opportunity to say no, it might work. Natasha seems to be thinking it through. 

“I could do that” she replies hesitantly. Clint sighs, this is progress. There’s just one more thing to take care of. 

“You know what this means though, right? You have to be yourself. No more being what others need you to be. No more covers. You have to be honest with her, she’ll be able to tell if you’re lying to her.” Natasha raises an eyebrow at him and he shakes his head at her. “Trust me, she’ll know.” Natasha looks back over at the bridge for a moment. 

“But I don’t know who I am yet…” 

“So, tell her that. Let her know that you’re still figuring yourself out, but in the meantime you’d like to get to know her.” 

He’s knows Natasha’s skeptical look well by now and that’s exactly the look she’s leveling at him. 

“Just trust me” he tries to assure her. 

“I’ll try, but if it doesn’t work, you’re doing all our paperwork for the next two months.” 

Clint wished her luck. 


	2. Meals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Following Clint's advice, she tries to interact with Maria hoping that they can become friends. She's not sure what she was expecting, what it wasn't for Maria agree to help her figure out who she is.

Maria despises eating in the mess but it’s the only place to get a meal when the helicarrier is midair. Most know to steer clear of her when she’s eating, that it’s the only free time she really gets to herself. Occasionally Sharon or Melinda join her but currently both are on missions. Still, she doesn’t mind eating by herself. She can ignore the whispers and murmured conversations around her. 

Apparently, there is one person who didn’t get the memo to leave her alone, but somehow she knows Natasha’s got other things on her mind. She watches the former assassin hesitate for a moment before deciding to sit down. Maria watches her carefully as she does. Something seems off, but she can’t put her finger on it. It’s not… suspicious but it just seems uncharacteristic of the redhead. But she says nothing as Natasha pokes at the mac and cheese on her plate. 

“I thought mac and cheese was supposed to be comfort food…” gripes Natasha softly. Maria can’t help the slight smirk that appears on her face. 

“If you don’t look at it while you eat it, it tastes better” comments Maria. Natasha looks up and meets Maria’s gaze and does her best to smile. 

“So, what have you been up to, Romanoff?” asks Maria. Natasha smirks at her. 

“You have to approve all missions, don’t you know?” Maria gives her a small grin in response. 

“I meant in your down time.” Oh, well, thankfully Natasha had rehearsed a bit with Clint and was ready for this question. 

“I’m- progressing with the deprogramming…” stammers Natasha. She winces at how that sounds. Maria raises an eyebrow at her. She didn’t expect Natasha to open up to her about something this personal. Clint would be a better bet. Still, she’s not going to push her away if she wants to share. Which she knows is uncharacteristic of herself. Looks like they’re both entering new territory. 

“You know, you can talk to me about it, if you want. It stays just between the two of us. No Coulson, no Fury, just us” assures Maria. It’s a promise and one she intends on keeping. Screw the regulations in this case (a phrase she never thought she’d hear herself say). She knows that the Russian has few people she feels she can trust and it’s a privilege to feel that somehow, she’s earned the right to be one of them. Or maybe she isn’t. Natasha hasn’t said anything in the last few minutes of their meal. 

“I need- I’m trying to figure out who I am now. I thought… maybe you could help me?” asks Natasha. She holds her breath as she waits for an answer. Maria looks at her with a look that Natasha can’t decipher, and that’s saying something since Natasha has been observing her for quite a while now. Maria leans back slightly in her seat (not too far or she’ll fall off the damn bench) and crosses her arms. Thinking better of defensive posture, she leans forward again and rests her arms on either side of her tray, doing her best to look open. 

“How can I help?” asks Maria slowly, and Natasha lets out the breath she’d been holding. Natasha thinks for a moment. She had planned for this conversation too, but looking at Maria now, her intense blue eyes taking everything in, Natasha forgets what she was going to say. So she shrugs. 

“I could use a friend” she says simply. Maria looks taken aback by the request, but seems to be considering it. 

Maria can think of half a dozen other agents that would be better suited for this. Not to mention more well-adjusted. Except…. Except Natasha hadn’t asked just anybody, she’d asked her. Maria sighs. Maria knows that doing this will put her under all kinds of scrutiny. Not from Nick, he trusts her judgement, but from Coulson and just about everybody else. Despite Natasha’s best efforts at deprogramming, not everyone sees her as a success. There are those that think Natasha is now simply a mentally unstable assassin. Maria has kept tabs on her progress, met with the doctors and oversees their missions and debriefs, she can see how far she’s come. And if Natasha needs a little help figuring out who she is, well, she figure she can do that. Fuck what the others think. 

“So how were you thinking of going about this?” asks Maria. She’s up for pretty much anything but has no idea where to start. Natasha frowns at herself. She really hadn’t thought this through. Getting Maria to agree had been the endgame, and she hadn’t thought past that because…well, she never really imagined Maria would agree. 

“Umm….” Starts Natasha, and Maria can see that the former KGB assassin doesn’t really know what to do now. When she thinks about it, she figures her only other friend is probably Barton because they were paired up together. Barton was Phil Coulson’s fail safe, put there to ensure that Natasha didn’t do something stupid and stuck to the game plan. The only thing Coulson hadn’t counted on was the two actually becoming friends. 

“How about this? We try to get together more, but not in a work setting” suggests Maria. 

“So no one sees?” asks Natasha. Maria can hear the defeat in Natasha’s tone, despite Natasha’s attempt to hide it. It’s clear that this means a lot to the other woman, so Maria does her best to correct Natasha’s assumption. 

“No, so that we can figure out what you like. Usually, we’re busy around New York or DC, so we need to find a street vendor and see if hot dogs are your thing. Maybe snow cones too, if the weather is right. Then we find a coffee place, and a Chinese place, and a Thai place and so on. The helicarrier offers a lot, but not much in terms of comforts. I mean, yeah, we gave you a place to lay your head here on the ship, but you need more than that.” 

Natasha raises an eyebrow at her. She’d been waiting for Maria to say no, that she wasn’t the person to do this, that there was Melinda May, Sharon Carter, or Bobbi Morse that she could choose from. Instead, Maria seemed to be giving this a lot of thought. It creates a sort of warm and fuzzy feeling inside her. It’s not something she’s used to and she’s not sure what to do with it, aside from acknowledging the fact Maria was the cause of it. That in itself is interesting, and Natasha will be sure to give it more thought later. 

Maria gives her a small smile. 

“Your life has to include something more than just missions and paperwork. You have to have a life, you know. You’ve earned it.” Natasha looks away. 

“I haven’t earned anything…” Maria rolls her eyes. 

“You earned it when you defected. That’s when we promised you a new life. Consider this a part of the deal.” 

“So…. You’re doing this out of obligation?” asks Natasha. She doesn’t quite understand what’s going on here. 

“No, I’m doing this because you asked me to help you. Once we get you a place, we can start on movies, books, and music. You shouldn't have to suffer for Clint's tastes in music and rom-coms. See what you enjoy. For yourself, not for some role you’re going to play or for someone you think you need to be. All I want you to be, is you” says Maria as she takes Natasha’s hand and gives it a squeeze. 

Natasha thinks for a moment and then squeezes Maria’s hand back with a smile. She can do this. She can trust Maria to help her and maybe get to know her better. She’ll be taking things slow, which is also new to her. But she can do this. 


	3. Talking With Sharon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maria has been spending pretty much all her free time with Natasha. She enjoys helping her figure things out, but she's unsure where they stand. Are they friends or moving towards more? To help her figure it out, she goes to Sharon for help while they spar. At four in the morning. Natasha happens to over hear their conversation.

It’s four in the morning. Sharon and Maria are in the gym sparring. Well, attempting to spar. Sharon dodges Maria’s blow again and then crouches down to swing a leg out and bring Maria down on her back. Which is odd, since Maria has been sparring with Natasha lately, and then there’s the fact that it wasn’t exactly an advanced move. 

“Look, you woke me up to spar, right? Where is your head right now?” asks Sharon. Maria has yet to get up from the mat and is breathing hard. Shaking her head clear, Maria accepts Sharon’s hand to get up. 

“I don’t know… I just… have a lot on my mind. I thought I could fight it out” replies Maria. Sharon raises an eyebrow. 

“The punching bag not good enough for you anymore?” Maria shrugs. 

“Not enough of a challenge.” Sharon cocks her head at Maria, watching her closely. 

“Well, then let’s talk about whatever is on your mind because I’m getting tired of slamming you into the mat. Now _there’s_ something I never thought I’d say” replies Sharon with a grin. Maria sighs. 

“I’m thinking about me and Nat-“ starts Maria. Sharon decides to go over to the bench and settle in for a chat. 

“You two have been spending a lot of time together. Not that I care, whatever makes you happy, you know? She’s fitting in a lot better now” says Sharon, simply thinking aloud. Maria nods. 

“We’ve been trying to figure out what she likes. She shouldn’t have to be a victim to Clint’s tastes forever. We’re sort of doing everything. You know, foods, movies, books, music… that sort of thing. It’s fun. And it’s interesting to watch Natasha discover herself. For the first time she’s choosing for herself rather than having it dictated or assigned to her.” Sharon looks at her for a moment. She knows that this has been going on for months. There have been whispers about it all over SHIELD, most very disapproving, but Sharon thinks it’s good for Natasha as well as Maria. Maria has been… set in her ways for a long time and it’s nice to see her exploring along with the former assassin. 

“But all that, like going out for dinner and watching movies together, those could be considered dates, right?” says Sharon carefully. Maria shrugs. 

“After a while, I kind of considered them that, but I don’t know what she considers them. Maybe she thinks we’re just hanging out. I don’t know, it’s not like we talk about it” says Maria as she gestures in the air with her hand. Sharon sighs and pulls her knees up under her chin. 

“Well, what do you _want_ it to be?” 

Maria thinks for a moment. It’s not like she hadn’t considered it before. Natasha was… interesting. She was watching Natasha discover herself for the first time and it was fun. More than once, she’d thought about the fact that all these little trips they were having could be called dates and the thought didn’t bother her. Maria thinks back and can’t really remember the last time she went on a date. She didn’t consider first dates to be more than awkward meet and greets. Nothing ever really comes from them anyway, since they are usually set ups made by well-intentioned friends. Her work schedule left little time for a personal life, much less arranging time for a date. There was always something happening, some crisis somewhere that she needed organize help for or send agents into. But with Natasha, there didn’t seem to be that problem. 

Neither of them had a lot of down time, but whenever they had a couple of hours, they’d settle in one of their quarters with a laptop and watch a movie, search for music, or a new book they could read together. And it was the first time in a long time she’s allowed herself to relax and just be herself. Natasha wasn’t the only one discovering herself, Maria was discovering things too. All those books that had deep meaning and she loved when she was younger, she now found to be depressing or lacking, just not something she’d recommend to Nat. 

So, they don’t go by what Maria’s read, instead they pick new things. Natasha wanted to try classic horror novels first. Maria had wondered why, if it was because Natasha had spent so much of her life considering herself a monster, but she hadn’t said anything. So, they started with Frankenstein and went on to Dracula and so forth. Maria found herself enjoying the novels and looked forward to the discussions they had afterwards. In fact, she’d read books that she didn’t really care for just because of the conversations they’d have about them later. 

Somewhere between all the get togethers, she found herself becoming attracted to the red-haired spy. It goes without saying that Natasha was physically attractive, but Maria found herself drawn to more than that. She cherished her time with the other woman. And it wasn’t just in their time outside the office either. When planning missions, Maria has a habit of preparing for any eventuality, but soon she found herself wondering about Natasha’s opinion on the planning. The former KGB agent had years of experience with planning ops for herself and it gave Maria a different perspective. She wasn’t unaware of what other people thought. She was more than aware of what Phil Coulson thought. He’d brought her into his office to tell her that he thought she was being used by their newest asset. Maria had scoffed at him and told him that he’d have to actually spend time with Natasha to know anything about her. He’d been offended that she was coming to Natasha’s defense and not hearing him out. Maria and Phil had stopped talking as much after that. They still worked together but it was clear that his opinion on how she spent her off time was unwelcome. 

Sharon nudges Maria with her shoulder, bringing the other woman out of her thoughts. 

“I want them to be dates I guess, but I don’t want to put any pressure on her. She’s just figuring herself out and maybe doesn’t want the added pressure of a relationship. Maybe a relationship is the last thing that she wants, after being set up on missions over and over where she has to seduce her target” says Maria as she runs a hand through her hair. 

Sharon hasn’t seen Maria like this in ages. She thinks the last time she saw Maria this troubled was when Maria was thinking about signing up for the military. She'd been torn because while she knew that she’d have a better chance at being recruited by SHIELD if she had some military experience, she had wondered if she was really just trying to get away from her past. But now Maria was a Commander at SHIELD and Fury’s right hand. She’d worked her way to the top and was exactly where she wanted to be. And then Natasha was added to the mix. Sharon wasn’t really worried about the ramifications for the two of them if they did start dating, she was sure the two of them could weather it. Especially, if Fury hadn’t brought it up yet. Very little happened without that man seeing it with his one good eye, and if it wasn’t a concern of his, then it really shouldn’t bother anyone else. 

“What if she wants to just stay friends” hazards Sharon. She’d like to see Maria happy, but they have to acknowledge the fact that Natasha might have a different opinion. Maria shakes her head, looking towards her feet. 

“I’d be happy with just that too. I mean I hadn’t thought about a relationship with anyone in ages. I thought that possibility had passed for me, and I’d gotten used to being alone. But being with Natasha is different. I’m having fun, like honest to god fun for the first time since being a kid. Not that I don’t have fun with you, Melinda, and Pepper, but this is different. I feel… freer. I’m not explaining this well” explains Maria. Sharon smiles and pats Maria’s shoulder comfortingly. 

“You’re explaining it just fine. It’s clear that you have feelings for her, but I think you’re going to have to wait for her to make the first move. I think you’re right not to pressure her though. I mean, you’ve held on to your feelings for this long, a little while longer won’t kill you. And yes, if it means you have to wake me up before the sun’s even up to beat the crap out of you over and over again, I’m willing to do that if it helps.” Maria raises an eyebrow at her. 

“Or… we could just talk, like we are now…” suggests Maria. 

“Yeah, we can do that too. Now let’s hit the showers. I know that I smell after thumping you so soundly” teases Sharon. Maria rolls her eyes and reaches down to untie her shoes. 

“I’ll be there in a minute, okay?” Sharon nods and starts to head to the locker room. That’s when she sees her, Natasha Romanoff herself, scurrying out the back door of the gym. Well now, that was interesting. But Sharon pushes it out of her mind. Whatever was going to happen between Maria and Natasha, would happen without any assistance from her. 

* * *

It’s not like Natasha hadn’t thought about it. It’s just that she didn’t know exactly how long-term relationships worked. She knows what she has with Maria is special and she doesn’t want to wreck it. There’s the fact that most of her… shall we call them encounters? Well most of them go directly from dinner and drinks to sex. Then again, most of her encounters were mission based, for both SHIELD and Red Room. There was even a time when it was just her working on her own agenda and somehow that still involved sleeping with people on missions. That all being said, she knows she wants things to be different with Maria. 

They kinda felt like dates to her too though. Of course, this is solely based on all the rom-coms Clint has made her watch. Speaking of Clint, she’s not sure how to bring this up with him. He made it clear that they could be friends, but finds interesting ways of avoiding the question if she seems to be hinting at wanting something more. Natasha’s seen the rules and regs of being a SHIELD agent, but she’s not sure that’s what she is. To hear Agent Coulson tell it, she’s more of an asset than a true agent. So there shouldn’t be anything wrong, right? 

Natasha shakes her head clear as she finally reaches her quarters. Thankfully, she hadn’t run into anyone while she was deep in thought, but it was four in the morning… She sighs and tells herself that she’ll think about it more in the morning…. Well later than now. Around breakfast. Or maybe after she’s wiped the mats with Clint again. Before she interacted with Maria again at least. 


	4. Further Discussions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha has a few more questions for Clint... For instance, what exactly is a date. He does his best to help, but he's also aware of how this could impact them both.

Natasha has given the discussion she overheard between Maria and Sharon a lot of thought. She hadn’t meant to overhear it, but once she recognized Maria’s voice and the fact that they were talking about her, she couldn’t make herself leave. She was curious to know how others saw her. She’d met Sharon Carter once or twice before but they hadn’t really talked about anything other than the mission. If she had to peg Sharon as something, the word capable came to mind. Sharon had done her part of the missions well and was one of the of the few agents out there that didn’t give Natasha the cold shoulder during the rides to and from missions. Still, she was surprised she didn’t hear Sharon dissuading Maria from getting involved with her. 

Natasha had heard from Clint that Maria and Sharon had grown up together, so Natasha guessed it made sense for them to confide in each other. She wonders what that’s like, having someone know you for years on end, someone to grow with. None of Natasha’s relationships with people lasted longer than a mission, maybe two, until she started working for SHIELD. As for the topic of discussion between Maria and Sharon, Natasha had a bit of trouble understanding what was going on. Dates were- well they were something that Natasha had only seen in the romantic comedies Clint showed her. Those types of dates looked cringe worthy or really awkward and weren’t at all what she experienced with Maria. The things she went on during missions Natasha refers to as set ups, since that’s ultimately what they are. 

Point is, Natasha doesn’t quite understand what the difference is between what she and Maria have been doing and an actual date. Which is why she’s having the discussion with Clint. She’s been waiting for hours for Clint to get back from where ever he was, either a mission or training exercise, and is growing impatient. Well, not exactly impatient, but she tires of just having these confusing thoughts roaming her mind. She’s used to waiting for long periods of time but this is beginning to get on her nerves. She’d rather share them with him and make them his problem too. 

* * *

Clint finally returns to find the Black Widow waiting outside his quarters. He’s tired and a little banged up, but he always makes time for his partner. He likes to think that he’s part of the reason she’s adjusting so well to her new life. 

“What’s up, Spider?” he asks, then tries to cover his wince. He’s trying to come up with a nickname for her but hasn’t had any success yet. Unlocking his quarters, he ushers Natasha inside. He knows that Natasha could get inside if she wanted, biometrics or not, but she waited so he has a feeling that whatever is bothering her is serious. 

Throwing himself on his bunk, he tosses his bow into the corner and watches as Natasha sits on the stool across from him. 

“So, what’s up? I know you have something on your mind, give it” says Clint as he stretches his arms behind his head. Natasha fidgets on the stool, swinging her feet around, trying to get comfortable, before she shares. 

“What’s the difference between dating and hanging out?” asks Natasha hesitantly. Clint had been staring at his ceiling while he waited, but he sits up at her question. He wasn’t aware that Natasha had been seeing anyone. Not that they’d had much time to themselves lately, but most of her down time was spent either in the gym, training, or with Maria when they both had time off. _Uh oh_. This is exactly what he was afraid would happen. Well, maybe not exactly, but he had thought that Maria wouldn’t pursue anything more than friendship. Huh. Well, then he’d have to approach this carefully. If Coulson got wind of this, well, everyone would be unhappy. 

“Do me a favor? Don’t tell me who you mean” begins Clint. Natasha raises an eyebrow at him. “Let’s just keep it general, no names, okay?” Natasha looks at him hard for a moment before nodding. Clint settles back on his arms, forgetting what the original question was. Luckily, it comes back to him after a moment. He didn’t want to seem like he wasn’t paying attention to her. To have her come to him for answers meant a lot and if she thought he wasn’t taking her seriously, she might not anymore. 

“Well, the stuff we do, you and me when we’re not on missions, that’s hanging out. Dating is…. Well, that’s done with the intention of making things romantic” he explains. Then he sighs. Laura would be doing a better job at explaining this. He looks up at Natasha to see her staring at the ground like she does when she’s thinking hard about something. So, he waits. Sometimes her thinking is quick and other times there’s a long pause while she considers her words carefully as well as every possibility. Thankfully, it’s her quick thinking that he experiences the most in the field, but that’s probably because tactics, maneuvers, and weapons are all old hat to her. She plots out missions for herself in her head and thinks out any and all possibilities. Their handlers do the same thing, but Natasha likes to run down any options for herself. That aspect had saved their skins more than once on missions. So, if Natasha wants to think for a while in between questions, he’s willing to wait. 

“But when we hang out together, we just watch movies, or read books, or go out to eat. How is dating any different? I mean, what you’re describing sounds more like what I have to do on missions, and that feels… fake. I mean I’m used to it, I get the job done, but to do it, I have to… not think about it. It’s simple, the whole act, and I know all the motions to go through. But if I go on a real date with… someone, I don’t want to be going through the motions. I want it to be…real. For both of us. I’m not sure I know how to do that” admits Natasha as she shifts in her seat again. Clint takes a moment to think. He hadn’t thought about her possibly comparing it to a mission. It was true that when Coulson acted as their handler every once in a while, he did have Natasha play the role of seductress quite often. 

“Well, you’re still figuring out who you are, right? If you go out on a date… I guess it’s kinda like hanging out in that you have to be your true self. No faking interest, or listening just to gather data on someone. This is something…personal. You share bits of yourself on a date. Or you can. Sometimes a date is just like hanging out, you go out to have fun with someone. I don’t know, all dates are different and depend on who you’re going with.” Natasha seems to take that in, considering ever word carefully. 

“So, what does a date involve exactly? I mean, all I know are from the movies you’ve made me watch and that involves candles and fancy dinners and stuff” she states with a shrug. 

“Well, yeah, that _can_ be a date, but that’s usually reserved for when two people who are in a serious relationship. After they know each other for a long time. It’s not necessarily how you want to start out, you know?” Clint then thinks carefully over his words, feeling like he could have explained it better. “You know, maybe let the other person take the wheel. Let _them_ decide what they want to do on the date.” He considers the idea for a moment and then nods, pleased with the solution he’s come up with. 

“But shouldn’t it be my idea since I’m doing the asking?” asks Natasha. Clint raises his eyebrows at that. He hadn’t expected Natasha to take the initiative, well not with her inexperience at practically all socialization that wasn’t associated a mission. He takes a second to consider his options. 

“How sure are you that they aren’t going to ask?” he says carefully. 

Natasha thinks for a moment. She had heard Sharon tell Maria that they’d have to wait for her to make the first move. She’s not quite sure how to convey her certainty without giving away the conversation she overheard and doing so would reveal to Clint who she was talking about. Although, she had a pretty good idea that he knew anyway. There was only one person she was spending time with other than him and to hear Coulson explain it, it was Clint’s job to keep tabs on her. But Natasha also knew that Maria was waiting until she was comfortable before asking her out, not wanting to pressure her. No one had ever really taken her feelings into consideration before, not on assignments or missions or even what she did in her down time. Natasha was told to report to her quarters, report to training, report to debrief. The only things she really had control over was when she went to the gym, when she ate, and who she spent her time with. Natasha suspects that no one would have a problem with her spending time with Clint, but if she pays attention to the whispers everywhere, she knew just about everyone had a problem with her spending time with Maria. Dating would put the both of them under more scrutiny and Natasha wasn’t sure Maria would be up for that. 

Thinking back to what she’d heard, she was almost certain that Maria wanted to go on a date as well. She says almost because for all she knows, Maria could have reconsidered the ramifications of going on a date with her and decided it wasn’t in her best interest. Maria was practical, it was one of the things Natasha liked about her. She shakes the thoughts clear from her head and looks up at Clint again. 

“I’m certain” she says, trying to keep the doubt out of her voice. Clint nods at this and doesn’t question her sources. Despite her lacking social skills, Natasha is very good at reading people. “They don’t want to pressure me into doing something I don’t want to do…” adds Natasha. Clint smiles at that. He didn’t know the Commander had it in her, but then again, this whole thing went against what he knew about the Commander. Though what he’d heard was mostly from rumors or unreliable resources. He’d worked with Maria quite a few times but that was strictly work based. He actually knew very little about the woman who seemed to be helping Natasha find out who she is. He admired the time and effort Maria was putting in, since no one else was stepping up to help Natasha. 

“Well then, you want to do something that you don’t do all the time. Something that they would enjoy but that you won’t hate doing either. That might include a meal, but it might not, it’s up to you. You want to be considerate, but don’t overthink it, just… have fun with it” states Clint. Natasha looks at him skeptically and he laughs. 

“What did you and Laura do for dates?” she asks. She figures Clint must have done something right to get Laura to marry him. Clint thinks back. It seems like a life time ago. Clint shrugs in response but it comes out awkward given how he’s sitting. 

“We did a lot of things. We had dinners in diners, went bowling, saw movies together. That sort of thing. I remember drinking a lot of milkshakes…” he replies. Then he frowns. He can’t remember the last time he had a milkshake. 

“Are milkshakes essential?” asks Natasha. She doubts it, but wants to be sure. Clint smiles at her and shakes his head. 

“No, not essential, but Laura likes them and I have a weakness for them too.” 

* * *

It’s a lot for Natasha to consider. She gives Clint a nod to say thank you and then leaves to go back to her quarters. Once she’s back in her bunk, she considers what she wants to do. She has no plans with Maria today, so she doesn’t have to worry about anything interrupting her thoughts. She wants to be considerate of Maria, like Maria is being to her. She wants to do something that Maria enjoys but she has little experience when it comes to having fun on her own. Personally, she’s happy with a book in a park, not that she gets to do that very often. For now, she makes do with reading in the highest place she can find in the helicarrier, usually by the windows. But that’s just her. When it comes to Maria’s free time, well, Maria’s been spending all her free time with Natasha. Or in the gym with Sharon apparently. Point being, she has no idea what Maria likes to do and has no idea who she can ask. 

Well, maybe that’s not entirely true…


	5. Coffee With Sharon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha is pretty sure that based on what she heard, Maria is interested in her as more than a friend too. The only problem is that Maria isn't going to ask in case she feels pressured to say yes. So, asking will be up to Natasha. Before she does, she has to figure out what Maria likes to do. The only person she can think to ask is Sharon Carter.

Natasha finds Sharon Carter in a Starbucks close to the Triskelion. There are numerous coffee shops within walking distance, but for some reason Sharon likes this place that’s a few blocks from where they work. Natasha tilts her head, observing the blonde-haired agent from across the street. Sitting in the corner seat in the back, Sharon can see anyone’s approach and no one can get her from behind. Except, it appears Sharon’s mind is elsewhere as she gazes out the window. 

Natasha is nervous. It’s an unfamiliar feeling for her. If she thinks about it, she knows why. It’s because this will be the first real conversation the two of them have had that isn’t about a mission. It’s about something important to Natasha, something she’s not entirely comfortable with others seeing. Natasha’s aware of the gossip surrounding her at work and frankly doesn’t mind. It keeps people out of her way. But that’s not the side she wants to show Sharon. She wants the other agent to know she’s serious about this, about what she’s doing with Maria. She takes a deep breath and steels herself up for the upcoming conversation. If she wants this to happen, she’ll have to get across the street and actually do something. Sighing, she separates herself from the mass of people walking by and waits for the light to change. Still watching Sharon, she sees that the other agent is so lost in thought, that she still hasn’t noticed someone watching her. It makes Natasha frown to herself. Being alert to her surroundings is simply second nature to Natasha. Then again, Sharon doesn’t have the history she does, doesn’t have people who want her head. 

Making her way inside, Natasha waits in line and orders a caramel frappuccino and waits while her drink is made. Caramel frappuccinos were introduced to her by Laura, and since then Natasha indulges in them every once in a while. There’s the usual business men and women about as well as college students and others in the shop. Drink now in hand, Natasha takes another deep breath and walks over to Sharon’s table. 

* * *

Sharon is deep in thought. She’d just gotten back from a mission and decided to hit up Starbucks after her debrief. Sitting in a coffee shop lets her feel like a normal everyday person for a while. Someone with a nine to five job that doesn’t involve weapons of any kind. Her last mission had gone fine and she’d returned without so much as a bruise but she knew she only had a week, maybe two, until she was out and back on assignment. Until then, her free time still wouldn’t be all her own. There was training to do and maybe she’d be assigned to look after some of the new agents, as well as the paperwork from the last mission. She had a feeling she’d be busy soon enough so she was taking advantage of a time like this to be alone with her thoughts. 

She’d talked to Aunt Peggy when she first got back, a habit she has for after missions, Peggy always wanting to know when she’s back safe. Aunt Peggy had asked after Maria as well. Sharon hadn’t known what to say. She’d settled on “oh you know, busy as always” which wasn’t exactly a lie. Maria had been steadily rising up the chain of command for years, but that wasn’t why she hadn’t called Aunt Peggy in a while. Lately, Maria has been busy with SHIELD’s newest asset. Sharon frowns to herself at that. It wasn’t fair to simply call Romanoff an asset, she was more than that. Saying “asset” made her seem like just another weapon that SHIELD had in their arsenal, which Sharon supposed was true in a way, but she was a person too. What could they call her? An operative? She definitely wasn’t an agent, Phil Coulson had made that much clear numerous times. She wonders how Natasha sees herself, considering the fact that all anybody else has for her is contempt really. She suspects that sort of thing makes a new start even more difficult. 

Unlike some of the others, Phil Coulson for example, Sharon has no problem with Maria spending time with Romanoff. Some think its Fury’s way of keeping Romanoff on a tight leash, if the former assassin isn’t with her partner then she’s with Maria and all her activities can be accounted for. Then there were those who thought that Maria was being manipulated by the Black Widow to bring down SHIELD. Of course, if they knew anything about Maria that wasn’t rumor, they’d know that she doesn’t manipulate easily. 

If it were anyone else, Sharon might be worried they didn’t have their priorities straight, but this is Maria. Maria has always put the job first, even if it meant forgoing her own needs, like sleep or eating. Maria would push herself to get the job done. That’s usually when Sharon makes a point of checking on her and reminds her to eat or brings her meals when she can. Lately though, Maria has been taking care of herself. She’d been spending time outside of work and not just at the gym in her off hours. Every once in a while, Sharon used to be able to drag Maria out for drinks with Bobbi, Melinda, and Victoria, and she’d have fun but she’d never fully relaxed. Now, it was as if a weight had been taken off her shoulders and she was allowed to be herself for a while. So, no, Sharon didn’t mind if Maria was hanging out with Romanoff if it brought out this side of her. 

She’s thinking about Romanoff and wonders how much she’d overheard the other day, when as if conjured by her thoughts, Romanoff is standing next to her table. 

* * *

“Mind if I join you?” asks Natasha softly. Sharon gestures to the seat across from her and Natasha settles in. Sharon takes in the former assassin, who is fidgeting with the straw in her drink. Sharon raises an eyebrow at Romanoff. The red head notices and pulls her drink closer to herself. 

“What?” 

“A frappuccino? Really? I expected something like a plain black coffee from you” comments Sharon. Natasha shrugs. 

“That’s all I usually drink because it’s not like we have a Starbucks on the carrier. As for my drink now, it’s one of my few indulgences.” Sharon nods at that. Sitting in a Starbucks and people watching is one of hers. Then a thought occurs to her and she leans back in her chair. 

“You weren’t…following me, were you Romanoff?” she asks jokingly. Natasha doesn’t meet her gaze though. Sharon’s eyebrows go up. “Well then, what has you seeking me out?” Natasha shifts uncomfortably in front of her. It’s odd to see a woman of her reputation look so unsure of herself. Sharon breaks off a piece of her muffin and pops it in her mouth while she waits. She’s uncertain what to do right now. Does she wait for a response? How long should she wait? She gives herself a mental shrug and figures that this must be what Maria deals with, and if Maria can, so can she. 

Natasha looks back toward the display case of baked goods. She should have bought one to have something to do with her hands. She turns back to look at Sharon. Unlike most of the other people she encounters who know of her history, Sharon doesn’t seem wary of her. She seems at ease, willing to wait while Natasha gathers her thoughts. 

“What does Maria like to do in her down time?” asks Natasha hesitantly. Sharon gives her a look that Natasha can’t describe. 

“Apparently, she likes to spend it with you…” she answers slowly. Natasha shakes her head and Sharon gets the feeling that wasn’t what she’d meant. Natasha puts her fingers to her forehead and winces at the slight headache she has from the crushed ice in her drink. 

“I mean before… me. What did she like to do?” asks Natasha again. Sharon sits forward, bracing herself on her elbows as she thinks. 

“Like for a date?” Sharon asks cautiously. Natasha turns in her seat, and Sharon has a feeling she’s going to bolt, so she answers quickly. “Maria hasn’t been on many dates. No successful ones anyway. I mean, she’s been on a handful of set ups over the years, but none that resulted in a second date. I’m thinking though… just give me a minute.” Natasha settles back into her chair and takes another sip of her drink. Sharon for her part seems to be giving her question some real thought instead of just humoring her. 

“We used to go bowling sometimes. Or we’d go to the arcade, I mean this is back before Maria was eighteen and joined the military. But I know that she hasn’t done either one of those things in years. I’m suspecting you two have hit most of the hole in the wall places, but food trucks are always fun… What do you like to do? I mean you play a part in the date too” says Sharon as she fiddles with the paper wrapping that her muffin had come in. Natasha shrugs, and that would get irritating if Sharon couldn’t practically see the gears turning in Romanoff’s head. 

“I’ve never done either of those things…” admits Natasha with a sigh. “I mean I’ve played a few video games with Clint, but…” Sharon’s heart aches for the assassin. She’d missed out on so many things. But they could make up for that. A small grin pulls at Sharon’s lips, causing Romanoff to look at her with a raised eyebrow. 

“So, maybe let Maria show you how? You’ll see, bowling is more fun than it looks and it’s easy to get the hang of. Arcade games can be a bit tricky, but I have a feeling you’ll pick them up quickly” adds Sharon. Natasha seems to take this all in and slowly begins to nod. Sharon is grateful that Romanoff is putting all this consideration into the date. Maria was seen as being heartless and emotionless to most, but that’s just how she focused and got stuff done. There was a whole other person beneath that, but she let very people see it. Romanoff appeared to be one of the few and Sharon wasn’t going to question it. Clearly, this was special to them both. Well, she’d done what little she could to help. The rest was in Romanoff’s hands. She was just about to tell her that, when she looks up to see that the chair across from her is empty. Sighing, Sharon leans back again in her chair. Their relationship was certainly going to be interesting. 


	6. Plans Go Awry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha finally has worked up to the courage to ask Maria out on a date. Unfortunately, work comes first. On what should have been an ordinary mission things go wrong. Maria is there for her anyway.

So, Natasha now has a plan. Or at least the beginnings of one. She finds a decent bowling alley and a bar that serves pretty good food and has video games in the back. She even gets Clint to go bowling with her so she doesn’t look like a complete novice at this thing that was totally new to her. That’s normal right? Natasha sighs to herself in her quarters. It’s not easy to schedule all this in between missions, but a part of her feels it’s worth it. She really hopes it is. 

Apparently, Clint loves to bowl with his kids and for that reason, he turns out to be a pretty good teacher. Anyway, Natasha is beginning to reconsider her actions and all the practice she’d gone through when she and Clint are assigned two missions back to back. The first mission goes off without a hitch, they’re exhausted afterwards, but that’s their only complaint. Then they’re off to meet transport to go to the other mission. While in the jet, they manage to get some shut eye. Eight hours later, they’re in a completely different place in the world with a new set of objectives. 

This time, just about everything that can go wrong, does. Everything was going smoothly until they’re making their way out. They’re hit with an onslaught of about twenty soldiers. Natasha had no problem with the first wave of ten soldiers, it gave Clint enough time to get out, but it was a second wave of ten were more problematic. She does what she’s required to do, what they assigned her to do, what she’s good at. She manages to take them all down, but not without being tossed around a few times herself. Following after Clint, she’s a bit bruised and battered, but that’s just par for the course and she doesn’t miss a step. Clint is waiting at the doors when she catches up with him. 

“What’s the hold up?” asks Natasha, only slightly out of breath. Clint is known for being unflappable, ready to make a joke at all times, so calm on his face and seriousness of his voice is disconcerting. 

“What’s wrong?” asks Natasha again as she gazes through the small glass window in the door. Or tries to. Clint shoves her to the side just as a bullet is blasted through the glass. 

“We need another way out…” says Clint. Natasha frowns for a moment, knowing that there’s something that Clint isn’t telling her. 

“Okay… so let’s go” says Natasha, already turning to head the other way, only to have Clint grab her shoulder. 

“The only other exit is on the roof, where there are more soldiers waiting for us and no other way for us to get out of here. Not to mention the fact that our extraction point is ten miles from here” states Clint. Natasha sighs, going over the options in her head. She remembers seeing an escape ladder on the side of the building. It’s about a fifty-foot drop to the ground from where the ladder ends, but that’s nothing new for them. 

“There’s a fire escape on the side of the building. If we can get to that-“ starts Natasha, only to have Clint look towards his feet and nod before meeting her gaze. 

“It’s going to be messy…” he says hesitantly. Since coming to SHIELD, Natasha had been instructed that some of the techniques that she had been taught as a Black Widow were not to be used anymore. Certain methods were deemed too lethal. She wasn’t sure what made specific methods more lethal than others, but she had readily agreed. To be clear, it was Phil Coulson who had made this request of her, so she had assumed that the orders came from Maria and Fury as well. Or at least she had to begin with. Right now, though, she assumes that their goal would be to get out alive with the information they’d retrieved. So, when Clint says “it’s going to be messy” what he really means is that she may need to employ the restricted methods to get them out. Natasha sighs. 

They make their way back down the hallway, careful to avoid the pools of blood left behind from Natasha’s previous attacks. They only get as far as the next hallway before they’re met with more soldiers. Thankfully, Clint is armed with guns as well as his bow and between the two of them, they manage to take out the first wave. By the time they make it down to the stairwell, Natasha is down to her knife and Clint has his batons out. They share a look over each other’s shoulders. They know it’s mostly luck that they’ve gotten this far. Natasha has a deep knife wound on her left forearm and Clint is limping slightly, but is managing to keep up. They take care of the others on their way up to the roof, but that’s when the real party begins. 

On the roof, there’s yet another team waiting for them. The brief thought of why on earth they’d have a team on the roof, enters Natasha’s mind as she braces herself for a fight. Somehow, they make it off the roof, but just barely. The ladder isn’t as sturdy as it should be, but that’s not the real problem. The real problem is the team that was guarding the perimeter and is rushing to meet them as they descend the ladder. It’s on her way down that Natasha gets shot the first time. She’s hit in the back but the angle has the bullet coming out her left shoulder. Luckily, it’s a through and through, so it only slows Natasha down a step or two. That’s when the ladder decides to give way and she falls the remaining thirty feet and the ladder falls on top of her. The wind is knocked out of her for a moment and as she gets her bearing back, Natasha hears the sound of fast approaching feet. She’s still hefting the metal ladder off herself when Clint steps in and takes down the first two attackers. She stumbles to her feet, blood trickling into her eye from a gash on her forehead. She’d managed to keep a grip on her knife and stabs it into the third attacker’s thigh and yanks the gun out of his hands. Now armed, she takes care of four more attackers while Clint fights by her side. 

The both of them are finally making their way towards the extraction area, which is at this point too far away, when a straggler fires a shot that hits Natasha in the back of the thigh. She only gives the attacker a small backward glance before firing a round that hits him square between the eyes. Clint puts an arm around her waist and together they make their way towards extraction. Natasha faintly hears Clint telling the extraction team that they’re on their way and to have a medic ready. At this point, Natasha is concentrating on simply putting one foot in front of the other, the wound in her thigh pulling with every step she takes. By the time they make it back to the jet, Natasha is light headed and Clint is the only thing holding her up. He’s a bit battered and bruised himself, but Natasha knows she also has a few cracked, if not broken ribs. When they reach the jet, Natasha all but collapses into her seat and the medic is by her side in an instant. She stares at the medic blankly as he bandages up her still bleeding arm, and Natasha can’t help but think her arm is the least of her worries. That’s the last thought she has before blacking out. 

* * *

The first time Natasha regains consciousness, it’s not all the way. She’s can’t open her eyes and faintly hears voices talking at the foot of her bed. 

“Did you have an idea of how many soldiers would be on site?” asks a voice, that Natasha gradually recognizes as Maria’s. 

“I estimated at least fifty” says another voice one she thinks is Phil Coulson’s. If she concentrates, she can almost hear the glare Maria is undoubtedly giving him. 

“And so, knowing there would be at least that many if not more, you decided to send them in without a STRIKE team” states Maria. Natasha knows she probably has her arms crossed too. 

“They are a STRIKE team! Or have you forgotten their designation as STRIKE Team Delta? I was confident they could manage” answers Coulson. Maria shifts her gaze to the bed. Natasha had a severe concussion, bruises, and blood loss from two gunshot wounds. 

“Being on a STRIKE team doesn’t make you invincible, Phil. If you had any sense at all, you would have sent them in with back up and knowing how many they might face, you should have intercepted them with the jet. A jet that has weapons on it, it should have occurred to you that could be of assistance to them at least on their way out. You’ll have to explain to Fury why one of his best operatives came back in the condition she’s in.” Natasha can’t tell what Coulson does next as she begins to fade in and out. Coulson crosses his arms and shoots Maria a skeptical look. 

“You going to report me? Really? That’s not your style, Hill” replies Coulson. Maria nods at that, acknowledging his point. 

“You’re right, but it’s not coming from me. The complaint has been made by Barton, in addition to requesting a new handler” responds Maria as she makes her way to the seat next to the bed. Phil shakes his head at her in disbelief. 

“Let me guess, he’s requesting they be assigned to you.” Maria shrugs. 

“He would, but as the Deputy Director, I’m not in a position to personally oversee missions. I believe his report stated that he wasn’t picky, just so long as it wasn’t you. Did you really give them a plan with only one exit?” questions Maria. After that, Natasha fades out again as there is the scrape of a chair next to her. 

* * *

The next time Natasha comes to, she’s not sure how much time has passed. Maybe it’s been a half hour, maybe four. This time she’s able to open her eyes, but when she does, she winces at the brightness of the lights against the white ceiling. Together, the two are absolutely blinding. She quickly turns her head to the left as she closes her eyes again and takes a minute to adjust. While she has her eyes closed, she senses another person sitting in the chair next to her. She lets out a big sigh and immediately regrets it due to how much it hurts her ribs. She carefully opens her eyes to see Maria Hill sitting in the chair next to her instead of Clint wearing a goofy grin. She watches for a minute as the Commander does paperwork in one of those leather portfolios. That’s when Maria looks up and Natasha’s gazing into unbelievably blue eyes. 

“You with us?” asks Maria gently as she tucks her pen away and folds away her paperwork. Natasha goes to nod, but stops herself after it makes her feel a bit dizzy. 

“Little bit. Maybe. At least eighty percent” answers Natasha gradually. Maria smirks at her and moves so that her elbows rest on her knees. 

“You remember what happened?” presses Maria, and Natasha fights the urge to roll her eyes, mainly because she has the feeling it would hurt, but it’s clear that this isn’t a social call. 

“I was shot twice, cut once, and a ladder fell on me” replies Natasha as she attempts to stretch a bit, and immediately regrets it. Apparently, there wasn’t a part of her that didn’t hurt. Licking her lips, Natasha realizes how dry she is. As if sensing her thoughts, Maria helps Natasha sit up and then presents her with cup of water and a straw. Natasha drinks until Maria pulls the cup away. She carefully leans back, Maria’s hand easing her on to the pillows slowly. Natasha winces again as she notices the irritating beeping of the heart monitor. Maria watching Natasha carefully and notices her wince. Reaching up, she presses the silence button and Natasha sighs in relief. 

“So, you just hanging around to debrief me?” asks Natasha. Maria leans back in her chair. 

“No, I’ll let someone else handle that. I’m just here to make sure you’re okay” responds Maria. Natasha opens one eye to look at Maria. Not being on duty during work hours didn’t sound very much like the Maria she knew. She knew she liked having Maria here though. She tried to think back, remembering fragments of a conversation at the foot of her bed. 

“Were you and Coulson in here earlier?” asks Natasha. She can’t be sure if the conversation was real or something her slight paranoia dreamt up. She doesn’t worry about much, but knowing that very few trust her, she sometimes worries that she’ll intentionally be left behind. There’s a niggling feeling in the back of her mind that that may have been the case this time. She reminds herself that Clint would never let that happen. Neither would Maria. 

Instead of answering her question, Maria lets out a long sigh, which Natasha interprets as a yes. 

“Your handler is being changed, per Clint’s request. Someone else will be looking after you” answers Maria. Natasha raises an eyebrow at her. If she didn’t know better, it would sound like Maria is pushing her away. Maria catches Natasha’s look and seems to read her mind. “You’re not getting rid of me that easily. I just mean that someone else will be watching your and Clint’s back” assures Maria. Natasha nods, once again forgetting that’s a bad idea. 

“Are you doing paperwork here?” asks Natasha. Maria hums in response. Natasha relaxes into the bed. Normally, she’d find someone else’s presence to be overbearing, but somehow the sound of a pen on paper and the occasional flipping of paper helps sooth her to sleep. Or at least that’s what she tells herself. It has nothing to do with the fact that she finds Maria’s presence a comfort. 

* * *

Maria does paperwork for a while until she can’t stand it anymore. Requests for leave and reviewing mission reports can occupy her for only so long. She stashes her pen in the leather portfolio and closes it, resting her arms on top. She knows she’s probably needed somewhere else, but can’t bring herself to leave. For a while she simply watches the former assassin sleep. Natasha has always been beautiful, but she looks years younger as she sleeps. 

Unknown to her, Clint watches the both of them from the doorway. It would seem that Natasha’s interest isn’t one sided, and that comforts him. He knew that Natasha was new to this whole feelings thing and he’d hate for Natasha’s first experience to be a negative one. It might send her back to isolating herself. He’d watched Maria enter Natasha’s room and then Phil had entered. He wasn’t worried, he knew the Commander cared for Natasha even before Maria spent three hours at her bedside. He suspected Maria and Phil were arguing, but thankfully they never raised their voices. About twenty minutes later, Clint watches Phil leave, muttering under his breath. Clint is pleasantly surprised at that, requests, any request really, never go through that fast. 

Knowing that Commander Hill was looking after his partner, Clint felt it was safe for him to go shower and get cleaned up. Half an hour later, he returns and Hill is still there but is no longer doing paperwork. She’s simply gazing at Natasha now, watching her sleep, something he’d normally find creepy but Maria has such a peaceful look on her face. Usually, the Commander is so stoic that it’s hard to gauge what she’s feeling, but right now she doesn’t look like she has the entire weight of SHIELD on her shoulders. He’s just about to get something to eat, when Maria’s phone vibrates. Maria pulls her phone from her pocket and glares at the screen. With a sigh she gets up, tucks her work under her arm, and strides towards the door. She looks back towards the bed once more before stepping out of the room. She hesitates at seeing Clint across the hallway, but only for a second before standing in front of him. 

“I’ll look after her, Commander” he assures her. Instead of the usual curt nod that he expects, Maria gives him a grateful smile before heading down the corridor. 

“You report to Hand in the morning” she calls back over her shoulder. Clint grins and heads into Natasha’s room. 


	7. A Heist For A Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maria and Natasha finally have their first official date, but it doesn't go as planned. It's partially the fault of Darcy Lewis but they also weren't exactly prepared for this kind of night.

When Maria and Natasha do finally go on their first official date, they go to a museum. They had waited for Natasha to heal, and then had two missions before either of them got some down time. Maria’s idea was to go to a museum, and by this point, Natasha was willing to go anywhere and soon, before she lost her nerve. They settled on keeping it casual, which saved Natasha worrying on what to wear, not that she’d ever admit that to anybody. When they meet in front of the museum, Maria is there with her hair down, dressed in a blue sweater that matches her eyes and a black jacket that suits her well. The looks is completed with jeans and boots. Natasha had gone with a black shirt and pants and her tan leather jacket. 

Despite everything, she still feels nervous. Maria had been there for her while she recovered, visiting her in the medical wing and then when she was doing physical therapy. They both knew that Natasha healed fast, and that the PT probably wasn’t necessary, but it was SHIELD protocol and Maria said she wanted to make sure Natasha was okay. Maria’s concern was the only reason Natasha went through with it. 

Museums aren’t really Natasha’s thing. If she wants to know about history, she’ll consult a book. She was more likely to actually find out what she wanted to know that way, rather than a five sentence recap on a small sign. She was willing to give it a shot though, since it was something that Maria seemed to enjoy. 

“We’re not looking for a Wakandan artifact, are we?” asks Natasha with a grin. Maria gives her a small smile. 

“There is such a thing as being off the clock you know” answers Maria. Natasha raises an eyebrow at her. 

“That something you know about or just hear about?” says Natasha and Maria gives a small snort in amusement. 

“Heard about, but I thought I’d give it a shot. I brought you along in case it isn’t as fun as promised, that way I can blame it on you” responds Maria as they wander around. Natasha smirks. If it was anybody else, she might have taken them seriously, it wouldn’t have been the first time she’d been used a scapegoat, but she knows Maria is just teasing her. 

Maria hopes her joke was taken as was intended. It only occurred to her afterwards that it could have been taken wrong. With Natasha, she has her foot in her mouth more often than not. Or at least it feels that way. It’s hard for her to set her role as a Commander aside, but she’s trying. She doesn’t get to be Maria Hill often enough to remember what it’s like to be a normal civilian. She’s trying though. She likes history, but she’d only heard about this place from Darcy Lewis, which is why she thought it’d be okay. Not formal and a more relaxed atmosphere. Pepper’s one of her best friends, but Pepper is a little more highbrow than she is. When Maria’s feeling fancy, or really down, she goes for scotch. Otherwise, she’s fine with a cold beer. A cold beer and a burger. Given that, she’s wondering what the hell she’s doing here. Why did she drag Natasha here of all places? Sure, it’s a well known museum, but she’s not sure being surrounded by paintings and statues is where either of them want to be right now. They could be out somewhere having fun. That’s when she notices Natasha is staring pretty hard at a statue. 

“How many drugs do you think were needed to inspire this masterpiece?” asks Natasha over her shoulder. Maria is making her way to Natasha’s side when something catches her eye. 

“Mother fucker!” she says softly. Not softly enough though, because Natasha promptly turns around and stares at her. 

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say those words before. Not even when the helicarrier was starting to fall from the sky. Not ever” says Natasha as she slowly makes her way to Maria’s side. Maria isn’t paying attention. In fact, she sees Maria’s gaze fixed on something behind a glass display case. The next thing she hears is Maria muttering the word _no_ under her breath about a million times as she gently bashes her head against the glass. 

This… this is not the Maria Hill she’s used to seeing. Normally, Maria is so composed, but that’s at work. Then again, she’d been looking forward to seeing more of Maria when she let her guard down. Sure, they’d been hanging out a lot while Natasha figured out who she was, but that had all been about her. She wanted to find out who Maria was, besides just books, movies, and music. Those things did tell her a lot about Maria, but not enough. She could have found out all that by hacking into Maria’s various accounts. She wanted to know Maria as a person. The person who apparently enjoyed museums. She could see that, sort of. This place was decent sized, but it wasn’t exactly the Smithsonian. She was trying to make the best of it, but to be honest, this didn’t seem like Maria either. Now, she didn’t know what to make of things. Was Maria having some sort of breakdown while on their date? 

“Maria? Are you okay? What’s wrong?” asks Natasha carefully as she puts a hand on Maria’s shoulder. Maria groans and Natasha’s worry only increases. Eventually, Maria answers her. 

“Tonight, was supposed to be fun. To be about us having somewhere other than my apartment or on the carrier. But, no. Apparently, that’s too much to ask for” grumbles Maria. Things still aren’t making any sense. She’s about to ask Maria to clarify, but Maria answers before she can. Without moving her head from the side of the case, Maria raises her hand and points to an object inside. “You see that?” Natasha moves closer and looks at what Maria’s pointing to. It doesn’t look like anything special. The display says it’s some sort of artifact. Still, she nods and Maria lets out a long sigh. 

“It’s an Asgardian artifact, one we’ve been looking for. Which, now that I’ve identified it, I have to go in and do the paperwork for, since we can’t leave it here. A team will have to be assembled and then I'll have to oversee the retrieval” explains Maria with another groan. 

Natasha sighs. So much for getting away from work. Or their date for that matter. Then an idea hits her. A fun idea. 

“Well, since we can’t leave it here, let’s steal it” proposes Natasha. Maria tilts her head towards her and looks at Natasha like she’s crazy. 

“What?” answers Maria flatly, not comprehending what Natasha is saying. 

“C’mon! This way we recover… whatever that is, and still have our date” says Natasha. This is sounding better and better to her. As much fun as they could have had at this museum just observing the art, stealing some would be a better time. “Okay, for this to work, you can’t leave your DNA everywhere by leaning your head against the glass. Same goes your fingerprints. So, let’s just wipe this down… and go hide somewhere until security goes home for the night. They leave in forty-five minutes” explains Natasha as she pulls Maria along. She catches the raised eyebrow Maria gives her though. “The hours were on a sign in the lobby. Technically, the place closes in half an hour, but I figure we give them an additional fifteen minutes to do last checks and lock up for the night. So, all we have to do is find a spot to hide until then.” 

“Let me guess, a closet?” asks Maria flatly. She can’t believe she’s going along with all this. She also can’t believe that Natasha had come up with this in a matter of minutes. She’s wondering if the date had been so boring for Natasha that she had scoped out the museum to keep herself occupied. She’s still wondering this when Natasha guides her towards… no. No, no, no. “I was being sarcastic” mutters Maria. Natasha gives her a one-armed shrug. 

“Maybe, but you were also right” Natasha says before shoving her into what looks like a utility closet. Maria stumbles inside, nearly falling over various objects that shouldn’t even be there because they're a fire hazard, but mostly because she managed to run into all of them. There’s not much room to begin with, but then Natasha squeezes in too. They’ve got a while to wait, so Natasha settles down on the floor and Maria settles down next to her. Natasha’s shorter, so she sits cross legged, but the only way Maria can sit is with her knees pulled to her chest. It’s hardly comfortable, so Maria just sighs. 

“So, what now? Twenty questions or truth or dare” asks Maria sarcastically. She should have known better, given how that turned out last time, that might be exactly what Natasha has in mind. 

“I want to know who or why you thought this museum was a good spot for a date. I mean, maybe it really is, and museums are your thing, I don’t know, but I have a feeling this was someone else’s suggestion” says Natasha. Maria shrugs. 

“I do like museums when I can get to them, but more popular ones. As for the idea, you can blame Darcy Lewis” she explains. Natasha takes that in for a moment. 

“Did she know we were going on a date?” she asks. Maria nods. “Do you think she knew the artifact was here?” she continues. Maria nods again before answering. 

“I think that’s exactly why she pointed me here” she answers in exasperation. All she wanted was one night, one single night that was just hers that didn’t involve her being home alone, or limited to just watching a movie together with Natasha. As fun as that was, ultimately, it was still being cooped up in her apartment. There were very few hours that Maria ever got as downtime, and most of those she used for sleeping. Or eating, or something else absolutely vital to staying alive. 

“C’mon, lighten up. We’re going to have fun” says Natasha as she kicks at one of Maria’s boots. Maria simply raises an eyebrow at her again. “So, what if this goes bad. We’ll just be an agent of SHIELD and its Deputy Director being arrested for theft. Nick can get us out of that, right? I mean, Starks done worse than this… If he can’t then I will personally be at your side when you fill out a job application at a temp agency. Mainly because I’ll be filling out one too, but we will be doing it in solidarity” she explains. Maria just lets out a low groan. Maybe she was over doing the enthusiasm a little, but this kind of fun she was not only used to, but enjoyed. The opportunity was unexpected, but she wasn’t going to question it. Maybe she’d thank Darcy Lewis instead of killing her. 

“You’ve thought this all out haven’t you? Were you contemplating all this while we were wandering around?” replies Maria. Then she frowns. She hadn’t meant for it to come out like that… sounding a bit bitter. She couldn’t help it though. She’d been on some awful dates before, usually set ups, but this was different. This was an awful date that she had actually had a say in and planned. As boring as the museum had been, sitting in a closet in the museum was even worse. 

“Well, we could have gone bowling, but a museum heist is more memorable” says Natasha, interrupting Maria’s depressed musings. That distracts her for a moment. Why would… 

“Who suggested bowling?” she asks, and this time it’s Natasha who looks away. 

“Sharon may have… mentioned it…” answers Natasha hesitantly. That has Maria sitting up a little bit straighter. “I might have… the word she’ll probably use is ambushed, but I prefer consulted, her at Starbucks to ask where I should take you” admits Natasha as she continues to look away. Maria grins. 

“You dared to disturb her personal escape time and risk being shot, just to ask about me?” Maria can’t help it, everything about it was adorable. If it were anybody else, she might find it creepy. Stalking Sharon to the place she found most comfortable, and then interrupting her time alone, just to find out something about her? Not even Maria would risk interrupting Sharon’s alone time, and the two of them were like sisters. Natasha shrugs and looks down at her feet. 

“It’s not like I haven’t been shot before. And… this seemed worth it.” Natasha shrugs again, but there’s no missing the blush on her cheeks. Maria can’t help but wonder how many people know that Natasha Romanoff can blush. She’s hoping she’s the only one. 

“Well, maybe we’ll go bowling next time. It will probably be a lot more fun” admits Maria. Now it’s Natasha’s turn to be skeptical. 

“Better than an alien artifact heist? I don’t know, this will be hard to follow” responds Natasha with a grin. Maria can’t help her soft bark of laughter. Then she nods towards Natasha’s watch. Natasha follows her gaze and checks the time. As much as she enjoys just sitting here and talking to Maria, the coast should be clear now and they need to get a move on. “Let’s go” she says and carefully opens the door. Maria gets to her feet and follows her out. Natasha keeps looking over her shoulder at her until Maria is forced to grab her and pull her back towards her. 

“It may have been a while, but I started off as an agent, not Deputy Director. I know how to do this. Not as well as you, but I can keep up, okay? Just tell me what you need me to do” whispers Maria in her ear. Natasha can’t form a complete thought for a moment. Actually, with Maria pulling her back against her, she can’t even think of words, but Maria is waiting for her to say something. For now, she settles on a nod. Maria lets go of her shoulder and It takes her a minute to remember what they were doing. A heist, that’s right. That she could do, if she could focus. Normally, it’s hard to rattle her in any situation, but things with Maria were going to be different, apparently. Taking a deep breath, she goes back to what she knows. 

Maria follows her back to the glass display case. Natasha is just considering how she wants to go about it, when they hear footsteps. They both turn quickly at the sound of them coming towards them. Having nowhere else to go, they retreat back to the utility closet. Maria’s just pulled the door shut behind them when she hears the footstep enter the room. 

“Fifteen minutes… you said fifteen minutes and they’d be gone!” hisses Maria. This time it’s their fronts that are pressed together, and Natasha’s having the same problem as before but a bit more intensely this time. She mentally shakes her head clear when Maria jabs her in the shoulder. Natasha shrugs. 

“It was an educated guess based on their hours of operation” she replies. It’s not her best excuse, but it’s the best she’s got while her brain reloads. She looks away to gather herself, but also to avoid Maria’s glare. 

“So, what’s the plan?” whispers Maria. Natasha takes a minute to get her mind back on track. 

“Um, well, let’s see. If they do a tour of the museum every twenty minutes, we should wait until their next pass through before we move. What do you have on you?” whispers Natasha. Maria gives her an incredulous look. 

“Nothing! I’ve got my ID, a few bucks cash and a card stuffed in my wallet. Plus, my cell and car keys. I thought this was a simple date, not a recovery mission!” she hisses back. Natasha rolls her eyes and fishes through all the pockets she has on her. She comes up with a lock pick, a clay knife, and a pair of gloves. She could go through the cuffs and collar on her jacket, she knows she has stuff there too, but she can’t remember what and they don’t have time. Besides, she happens to like this jacket. 

“I thought agents were supposed to be prepared…” mutters Natasha quietly. Maria frowns at her. 

“I’m not an agent anymore” she argues, which is hard to do while whispering. Natasha looks up and glares back. 

“No! You’re the Deputy Director! All the more reason you should be prepared for anything” hisses Natasha. This time, it’s Maria who rolls her eyes. 

“Anything useful is stashed in the car. How long do we have until we can go?” asks Maria after a sigh. Natasha looks at her watch again before listening at the door. She then pulls her gloves on before going for the door handle. Glancing over her shoulder she looks at Maria and hold up her hand, signaling for her to wait a minute. A few moments later, she beckons Maria to follow her. 

They quickly make their way back to the display case. Looking around, Natasha searches for the camera that is covering the room. Finding it, she wants to curse her luck. There’s only one camera covering they area they need, but she can’t reach it. Not on her own at least. She turns and looks at Maria who smirks at her. Great, Maria knew what it meant too. Keeping out of the other camera’s lines is easy, but she’ll need more than a piggy back to reach it and they’re running out of time before the next guard sweep. Once they’re in place, Natasha hops onto Maria’s back and then crawls up to stand on her shoulders. It takes maybe five seconds at most, but then it’s done. The camera is still in place and recording but she’s tilted it so that they’ll be out of frame no matter how long they need. It will still function, but the sweep wouldn’t be as wide. 

Normally, she’d flip off her shoulders, but there isn’t room. Picking up on her problem, Maria releases her grip on Natasha’s ankles and puts her arms out in front of her. With a measured hop, she falls down and Maria catches her. Then they’re racing back to the closet. Once they’re safe back inside, Natasha lets out a long breath. Maria is leaning against the wall of the closet. It’s not like this is a high-pressure job, they could easily disarm the guards and just take the artifact, but they want to do this without drawing any attention. 

The next time they venture out, they move fast. The lockpick she always carries with her, but it comes in handy since it unlocks the case. Next, she takes care of the wires. The artifact isn’t on a pressure sensor, but the whole case is rigged somehow that will go off if they simply swipe it. Natasha doesn’t have time to figure it all out before the guard gets back, so she carefully considers which wires to cut before slicing them with her clay knife. She grabs the artifact and hands it over to Maria before closing up the case. As they retreat back to the closet one last time, Natasha takes in all the exits. 

She looks at Maria to make sure she’s alright, before considering their options. She should have thought about what could happened when she handed her an unknown artifact. Maybe Maria had known it wouldn’t hurt her. She certainly hopes so, since the last thing they needed was a medical mystery or a crater in the place of where the museum used to be. Even Director Fury wouldn’t be able to get them out of that kind of mess. 

Maria squeezes her hand and it startles her. She hadn’t even been aware of Maria taking her hand. Looking up, she gets lost in Maria’s electric blue eyes for a moment before remembering what they’re doing. 

“We don’t have a lot of options. There are windows, but the ones at waist level are probably wired and the ones high up, well, you could boost me to but wouldn’t be able to get out of yourself. That just leaves the rear loading door, which is probably wired too but shouldn’t be that hard to bypass. I just don’t know how far away it is, or when the guards reach it on their rounds” explains Natasha. Maria nods and thinks for a moment. 

“I think we should wait for the next guard, and then follow a few paces behind. That way we’ll have a few minutes to figure out the door” replies Maria. Natasha smirks at her. Maria always thinks well on her feet. 

“He should be by any minute, so get ready” she says with a wink. Maria rolls her eyes at her, but she’s fighting back a smile. The door simply needs a wire pulled from the top and it’s disarmed and then they’re out. Contrary to what you see in movies and tv shows, running from a robbery is a good way to let people know you stole something and get yourself shot. Natasha follows Maria to her car and gets in. Only once the doors are closed and locked, do they relax. Then Natasha can’t help but laugh and after a moment, Maria can’t either. 

“So, what’s next?” asks Maria once they calm down some. 

“Well, don’t you have to log and process the artifact?” asks Natasha. This whole thing may have started as personal time off, but the minute they spotted the artifact, it became work. Because of that, she expected Maria to head right to the Triskelion and take care of it, duty coming first. Instead, Maria shrugs. 

“Probably, but most dates involve a meal, and I happen to be hungry. I think just this once, duty can wait an hour” she answers. Natasha grins. This was certainly a different side of Maria. 

“I guess I can put off confronting a particular intern for a while. Actually, after how much fun this date has been, I might thank her instead.” Maria smiles as she starts the car and then they’re off to find some place to eat. 


	8. News Gets Around

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not many, but at least a few people have heard of Maria and Natasha's date. Phil makes his position clear again. Maria makes her feelings known on both her position and her relationship. She also reminds Phil of the promise SHIELD made Natasha.

It’s Monday, and while Maria had started the paper work for the artifact that they’d found, she had to get it done. The only problem with doing the paper work was that she wasn’t an expert on Asgardian artifacts and had to consult the research they had as well as Jane Foster because she couldn’t make heads or tails of the research. That put her in range of Darcy Lewis, who at one point she might have killed Darcy, but the date had gone well. Still, she felt that the intern deserved a fierce glare at least. Jane was the closest they had to an Asgardian expert, short of Thor, but no one knew where he was at the moment. 

So, now here she was, at her desk, only partially having a better understanding of what she was dealing with, and at least forty percent sure it wouldn’t kill her. What might actually kill her is the endless paper work that was associated with it. She’s finally focusing back on her work, when the door to her office opens and Victoria Hand comes in. 

“You… went on a date” states the Director of the Hub. Maria sighs. She really doesn’t need this right now. 

“Victoria…” she sighs. First it was Phil, and now it was Victoria. It hurt more that it was Victoria, because while she and Phil had been friends, she’d been closer to Victoria. Since they were both Directors, they saw more of each other. 

“You, went on a date” she says again. Maria didn’t think she’d have to justify herself to one of her best friends, but that was too much to ask, apparently. 

“Look, Natasha and I…” she starts, but Victoria cuts her off with a wave of her hand. 

“I don’t care who it was with, you going out with Natasha was sort of expected, but the absolutely stunning fact here is that you, of all people, went on a date willingly and it wasn’t a set up. I’m impressed. Should we invite Sharon, Bobbi, and Melinda and have a celebration?” says Victoria. Maria raises an eyebrow at her. Normally, Victoria was as serious as she was at work, if not more so. But, she also seemed happy for her. “So, how was the date?” she pushes. 

Maria leans back in her chair and rolls her eyes. She can still feel a blush rising to her cheeks, and well, Victoria never misses a thing. “See, I was curious how a date with the Black Widow would be, not for me of course, but for you, and your blush tells me everything I need to know” says Victoria with a grin. Maria groans and lets her head fall onto her arms on the desk. 

“Nothing happened, not like you’re thinking. It was just a nice date” says Maria. She doesn’t look up, but can tell that Victoria is smirking. “She’s not the Black Widow all the time, you know. She was just… Natasha. Not Romanoff, the Slavic Shadow, or any of those other names. She was just… Natasha” explains Maria, she can’t help the lightness in her voice though, and she knows Victoria picks up on that too. 

“Okay, so when is the last time you were just Maria?” asks Victoria, and it’s a perfectly valid question. One that she can’t answer. Victoria picks up on this too, and Maria’s beginning to hate her for it. “It’s been that long, hmm?” Maria shrugs. 

“We never really get enough time to figure it out, do we? None of us really do because this stupid world is always in trouble, so we have to send agents in to fix it. But especially us, because whether or not there’s a crisis, we still have to deal with preparing for the next one or the cleanup from the first. I mean when’s the last time you went out and had some fun?” she asks. Victoria shrugs, and is about to answer when her door burst open again and Phil comes in. 

“You went on a _DATE_ with her?” he shouts. Well, it’s close to shouts. As loud as he can without drawing attention to Maria’s office. He turns and sees Victoria sitting on the couch. “Did you know about this?” Victoria looks it him, an unimpressed look on her face. 

“Not until this morning, no. I find it all rather impressive, don’t you?” she asks. Phil rubs his hand across his face. 

“No, I do not. It was extremely stupid of her to accept a date from an asset!” he hisses. Maria rolls her eyes. 

“I’m the one who asked her out” she says, knowing she only made the issue worse. Phil turns towards her and looks absolutely dumbstruck. 

“You asked _her_? Knowing what she is?” he asks. He sounds simply astounded. This time it’s Victoria who rolls her eyes and it brings a small smile to Maria’s face. 

“She’s not the plague, you know… Nothing bad is going to happen to us for associating with her and treating her kindly. She one of-“ starts Victoria, only to be cut off by him again. 

“We don’t know her real reasons for being here!” he hisses. As if keeping his voice low will hide the opinions he’s been so vocal about. 

“She defected, remember?” comments Maria, mostly just add something. Phil turns and glares at her. 

“She was previously a high level Russian asset, for most of her life, I might add! We’re supposed to just believe she gave up everything she’s been taught because she wants a new start?” he asks. Victoria looks at him from over the tops of her glasses. 

“In case you’re unfamiliar with the term, that’s what defecting means. And it’s not like he hasn’t proven her worth to us…” says Victoria. Phil gives her a look of disbelief. 

“No, what she does with in months of her arrival, is get close to one of our highest ranking officers, to gain information. Who knows what she’ll do with what she finds out!” he answers. Maria stands up and braces her hands against her desk. She’s tired of this. 

“You seem to think that despite being the Deputy Director, I’m an idiot. All I’ve helped her do is help her discover who she is. Something I wish someone had helped me do, but our lives don’t allow for much of that. But when it comes to Natasha-“ 

“Going by first names, are we?” he asks as he crosses his arms. She shares a look with Victoria.

“How else would you address someone on a date?” she asks sarcastically. She feels better knowing that Victoria is on her side. “Look Phil, you’ve made your argument clear more than once. I don’t want to hear it anymore” she says in the firm voice she reserves for new recruits. He glares back. 

“She—” 

“The things we discuss aren’t work related. We get enough of that here. As for what I tell her when we do discuss work, I trust her, so I tell her exactly what she needs to know in order to get her job done. You seem to think it’s fine to send her in knowing as little as possible. You’re not the only one, but she doesn’t stand much of a chance of coming back that way, but I don’t think that would bother you. According to you, she’s not much of anything. Not an agent or an operative, simply an asset. Don’t worry, there are evidently plenty who agree with you. But, I’m not one of them-“ she explains. 

“I’m not either, for that matter” adds Victoria. Phil turns his glare onto her. 

“My point is, she’s done nothing but be loyal to us, and I have a feeling she will continue to do so” she starts again. 

“You’d stake your career on that? Because I wouldn’t” he says with a snort. Maria looks down at her desk and grits her teeth before starting yet again. She misses Victoria’s subtle look up at the vent in her office. 

“Look, you’ve made your opinion loud enough for everyone in SHIELD to pick a side, and I’m tired of it. My personal life is no business of yours, and certainly not the business of everybody else. You’ve made it that way though, and I’m dealing with it. What I can’t stand though, is the fact that you’ve put Natasha’s personal life out in the open too. She’s going through with all the deprogramming and at the same time, trying to figure out who she is, along as be a successful operative. She’s let the person she was go, she promised us that when she came to us, and we promised her a new life. A life that she’s entitled to, not just because we promised it to her, but because she’s earned it. We gave her our word and we should honor that, not make it harder for her.” She sits back down with a sigh. 

“You should know better, Maria. A person in your position—” he starts again. 

“The only person’s opinion that would really matter to me would be Fury’s, and he hasn’t said anything. As you’ve pointed out before, this has been going on for months, and if he thought it was dangerous, he would warn me against it” says Maria. 

“Just curious, would you listen to him at this point?” asks Victoria. Maria thinks about it for a minute before answering. 

“I would consider it, but no, probably not” she answers. Victoria nods but it seems to just set Phil off again. 

“You would shirk your duty to the world, all for this woman who is probably spying on us?” he asks incredulously. Maria gives him a glare. 

“I haven’t shirked anything and I wouldn’t. All while making a friend and having it possibly progress to more, I have fulfilled my duty and never abandoned my post—” 

“I don’t mean to point out the obvious here-“ starts Victoria. Phil rolls his eyes. 

“I’m sure you don’t” he grumbles. 

“—But Maria, you still outrank Phil. You could order him-“ Phil rounds on her faster than she can blink. 

“As if I’d acknowledge such an order!” he barks. 

“Much like you’ve been ordering her to stop seeing Natasha? That went well, didn’t it? However, Maria has the ability to ignore your order since she’s your superior officer. Or at least take your order under advisement. You on the other hand, have no such luxury. Actually, I’m pretty sure she has the authority to demote you too. I would say that would make things about even, seeing as how you’ve gotten at least two thirds of SHIELD turned against her. Sorry Maria, but it really is about more than half” admits Victoria with a sad smile. 

“You’d have her demote me, in addition to having her take my agents?” he scoffs. 

“I thought she wasn’t an agent?” questions Victoria. 

“She isn’t! But Barton was my operative!” he growls. Victoria merely lifts her eyebrows for a moment. 

“I’m simply explaining her options, though it is nice to know that you value at least some people. Clearly, you don’t value Maria and Natasha. I don’t know where I stand, but I don’t care either way. Actually, as a director myself, maybe I have the authority to demote you…” she speculates aloud. Phil seems to grow more indignant by the second. Maria sighs and relaxes her shoulders, Victoria having made her feel better. She’d never demote Phil, not for what he’s done at the moment. Aside from expressing his unwanted opinions and spreading them around the helicarrier and Triskelion, he is a pretty decent agent. Clint had been an effective agent under him, up until the point where Clint stopped trusting him. Clint may play the idiot to get out of work, but even he could see Phil’s efforts to leave Natasha behind. He might have only had suspicions early on, but that last mission had confirmed it. 

“Look, I won’t demote you, but for now, I am ordering you out of my office, and to keep your personal opinions to yourself. I know the others haven’t liked me for various reasons, and was okay with that, you just gave everyone extra ammunition. As for Natasha, how is she supposed to believe us about anything, if we don’t actually give her a new start, if we don’t keep our word? If anything turns her against us, it will be your efforts.” With that she puts a hand to her forehead and props her elbows on her desk. She can sense Phil opening his mouth again and speaks with out looking up. “Get out of my office. Now, agent” she growls. Phil must get the sense he’s lost this battle, and Maria is sincerely hoping it’s the last, and walks out slamming the door behind him. 

“Well that was dramatic… Him, not you” comments Victoria. Maria lifts her head to look up at the other woman. 

“Please tell me you’re not ashamed or embarrassed about me too” she pleads. Victoria shakes her head. 

“How could I possibly be mad at you for having a life. Maybe a bit envious, seeing as how none of the rest of us do, but no, I’m not mad at you for seizing the opportunity that so few of us get. If you’re wondering how I found out, it was from Sharon. I didn’t peg you as the type to pour your feelings out over the phone, but if you are, telling Sharon would make sense” she explains. Maria sighs. 

“Yeah, I’m not that kind of person. Sharon probably heard it from Jane’s intern. She may not be able to keep her mouth shut, but the only people she’ll feel safe telling, do.” Victoria nods and pushes herself to her feet. 

“I’m going to go. I have another mission to prepare for the two of them” she says as she heads for the door. Then she looks at Maria from over her shoulder. “Oh, and you can tell her to come out of the vent now.” Maria’s head whips towards the vent grate, but before she can ask Victoria to explain, she hears her door close. 

“Natasha?” she asks. 


	9. In Her Corner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maria and Natasha have a discussion about vents. Phil is back in Maria's office despite her order. Clint joins them to have some fun but also to show his support.

“Natasha, how long have you been sitting in that vent? And please say something to answer since I can’t see you shrug unless you come out” says Maria. It’s not a large vent grate and she has no idea how old it is, but the red head makes the process of getting out silently. Maria knows that Clint tends to occupy the vents and must have shown them to Natasha. The part she can’t get her head around, is that Natasha is a few inches smaller than Clint. Knowing that, she’s wondering how the hell Clint fits in them since she can’t figure out how Natasha does. Noticing that Natasha is staring at her, she gestures to the couch Victoria had been sitting on. They stare at each other for a bit, neither of them knowing exactly where to start. Eventually, Maria takes the leap. 

“How long have you been in those vents?” she asks. Natasha looks back towards the vents. 

“I’ve only been in yours for- “ starts Natasha, but Maria cuts her off. 

“No, not in my vents, I mean the vents in general. Also, how are you in the vents? I though vents were supposed to be small. I was under the impression that vents were just supposed to be something that air can filter through. If it gets too hot in here, is it your fault for blocking the vents and preventing the AC from getting out? Should we put security measures in the vents, because clearly at least two of you have been using them to your advantage. Security isn’t exactly something I’m in charge of, but maybe I am since it helps defend the carrier…” Maria knows she’s rambling but can’t seem to stop. 

After beginning her conversation with Victoria, getting it interrupted by Phil and then having an argument with him, she didn’t know what to expect to have happen next. Given how their date went, this conversation could go anywhere, but she has a feeling it’ll be more about the argument she just had. She had just been being honest with Phil, but she hadn’t necessarily wanted Natasha to know all that yet. Which is why she was rambling and trying to get Natasha’s mind on something else. Natasha is just watching her now, blinking owlishly at her. 

“Um, I’ve been using the vents for about two weeks now, but this is the first time I’ve been in your vent. And, um, I don’t remember the rest of your questions?” answers Natasha. She’d come through the vents to… well she wasn’t exactly sure. She wanted to see Maria but was nervous and didn’t want to face Maria directly yet. Yeah, she didn’t like the way any of that sounded, so for now at least, she was keeping her reasons to herself. There was one thing that was bugging her though. “How did Hand know I was in your vent?” she asks. Maria seems to relax at the question. 

“I have no idea. I didn’t know you were in my vent until she mentioned it. Victoria has… lots of ways of knowing things. I haven’t figured them all out yet. Maybe you’re easy to read?” replies Maria. Natasha gives a squinty glare before answering. 

“How likely do you think that is?” she asks. Maria shrugs. Not a lot of people can read Natasha except Clint. She’d like to think she’s picking up on a few things about Natasha, but she really has no way of knowing. Natasha plays things close to the vest with most people, but Maria thinks they’re making headway. Maria knows she’s not the most open person either, but she’s trying to be with Natasha. Natasha sighs, and Maria gets worried she’s going to leave, but the red head just stretches out on the couch. Maria relaxes a little at that. She didn’t want Natasha to leave, but she still didn’t want to talk about the conversation she must have overheard. 

Leaning back in her chair, Maria pushes the papers on her desk around. Natasha watches and then starts to sit up. 

“I’m sorry, are you busy? Is there something you should be doing? Should I go?” she asks all at once. She’s never had nerves like this, never had them get to her before. Sometimes her hands would tremble a bit before missions, but that tended to be out of anticipation. Maria made her unsure about things, unsure about herself. She wasn’t sure how she felt about that. Great, another thing she was unsure about. Maria shakes her head. 

“After Phil’s little fit, I think I’m entitled to some time by myself. I don’t mean you have to leave, I don’t want you to leave, I just mean I don’t have to be working right now” explains Maria, and yes, she’s rambling again. Natasha doesn’t know what to say to that, so she just shifts to be more comfortable on the sofa. She’d been in the vent when Victoria came in, so she had definitely heard Phil venting all his concerns. She knew that by accepting Maria’s date made things worse for herself, but she hadn’t thought about the impact it would have on Maria. Victoria had made it very clear how people saw Maria, and that was her fault. She wasn’t sure they were even a thing yet, but maybe it was in Maria’s best interest to leave her alone. 

Everything she’s doing is new. She’s not used to letting people get to know her, mainly because up until recently, there was nothing to know. The typical questions she gets are along the lines of does she know how many people she’s killed to does she have any guilt over the people she’s killed. The answer to those questions was that if she kept track she’d feel guilty, but Red Room had trained her not to feel guilt. So, it was a no, to both questions. The thing was, Maria asked her different questions. Clint did too, but she was never sure if he was being serious or if he really wants an answer. Maria, on the other hand, asks her questions that she’s not sure she can answer. It makes her anxious but she finds she doesn’t mind it. She’s just about to ask Maria another question when someone knocks on Maria’s door. Maria doesn’t even spare her a glance, before calling to let them in. 

“Commander Hill- Oh. I wasn’t aware she was here. Agent Coulson hadn’t said anyone was here with you….” Stammers agent Hawkins. Maria looks up from her desk and gives the agent one of her icy glares. Natasha looks at the agent in the doorway. She doesn’t know his name, but he’s one of the ones against her, against the both of them it looks like. Natasha doesn’t move from her relaxed position though. In fact, she settles in further. The agent keeps looking over his shoulder, clearly expecting someone to show up. Maria notices this too, and raises an eyebrow at him. 

“Who exactly are we waiting for, agent?” she growls. Hawkins snaps his attention back to Maria. It’s clear he’s nervous and probably looking for someone to save him. If Natasha remembers correctly, he’s maybe… a level or two below Coulson? 

“I’m not sure… I’m not sure I can discuss this with…” Hawkins’s eyes cut to her on the sofa. And just when Maria thought her day couldn’t get any worse, Phil Coulson is back in her office again. Natasha sinks into the sofa again, not to relax, but to try and hide this time. Phil looks ready to speak, maybe even apologize to Maria, but then he catches a glimpse of Natasha’s red hair, and he’s enraged again. 

“What is she doing in here?” he asks, his voice deceptively calm. Maria leans back in her chair, already done with this conversation. She should have made her order clearer earlier and stated that she didn’t want him in her office for… the rest of the week maybe? If he could stay away from her office unless on official SHIELD business that would be great. It seemed like that’s what it might be now, but she wasn’t ready to deal with him again, especially if he was still going to be like this. Natasha is getting that nervous feeling back in her stomach and remembering again that all of this impacts Maria’s career. 

“She’s lounging. What do you need?” asks Maria. Hawkins still looks skittish and the best he can do is give Coulson a look. 

“It can’t be discussed with her here” answers Phil, giving her a pointed look. Natasha goes to get up, this battle isn’t worth it and Maria can save her energy for a bigger hassle, but Maria puts her hand out telling her to stay put. 

“I believe this is a level three material that we’re dealing with if Hawkins is here, and Natasha is cleared to level five. You can call her Romanoff, if you’d like, but she does have a name. You should use it when referring to her otherwise people might get confused and think you had it out for just her instead of the both of us” states Maria. Phil shifts his glare from Natasha to Maria. There’s a twitch in Phil’s cheek just before he goes to respond, but then someone else is poking their head in. The only good part is that it’s Clint. 

“Hey! Are we having a party? I’m coming in” he announces. Natasha moves her legs just in time to keep Clint from landing on them as he jumps on the couch. Maria sighs and looks down at her desk and sighs, but Natasha sees her biting back a smile. It takes her a moment, but she gets her face back to its usual stoic expression before looking up. 

“I’m assuming it’s alright that Barton is here?” says Maria, but it’s not really a question. Coulson looks away and scoffs so Maria just shrugs. “I’m going to take that as a yes. Clint, can I help you with something?” asks Maria, but there’s a twitch to her lips that Natasha knows means she’s having a little fun. Clint leans back into the sofa with a groan and stretches his feet out in front of him. 

“Nah, I was just checking in with Hand, and she said you two were in here, so I thought I’d drop by” he announces with a grin. 

“How’s it going with Hand as your handler?” asks Hawkins, making Phil’s face twitch again. Clint tucks his hands behind his head and gives a wide grin before answering. 

“Haven’t died yet!” he answers. Now Phil is gritting his teeth. Natasha gives kind of a humming laugh. Clint’s enthusiasm has always been contagious. Working with Director Hand had been great so far. In Clint’s opinion, working with Hand was just about as good as working with Hill. Both were dedicated to their work and made sure their agents were well prepared before going into anything. Like Maria, Victoria doesn’t take shit from anybody either. If you’re not up to doing your job, she’ll do it for you just this once, but you’ll be demoted down past recruit. As a director, Victoria doesn’t usually oversee missions either, but there are certain assignments that she covers that she can’t give to just anybody. Normally, she’d give these sorts of things to Bobbi Morse, but Morse had broken her leg in about six places by getting shot on her last assignment. In terms of agents, you really didn’t get any better than Barton and Romanoff anyway. 

“Hey! I heard you two had a work date!” he says excitedly. Maria rolls her eyes, while Phil had heard that she had gone on a date, he probably hadn’t heard how it went. Not even Darcy would trust him with that. Then again, Darcy had always had a grudge against him ever since he took her ipod. Maria doubted the intern would ever get it back, but she’s pretty sure Pepper got her a new one. Natasha gives a sort of bashful smile that has Clint’s eyebrows rising into his hairline. The mood goes down a bit when Phil involves himself again. 

“What happened- “ he starts, but Clint cuts off whatever he was going to say not only interrupting, but interrupting loudly. 

“I think these ladies would like to keep what happened on their date to themselves, aside from the parts that had to be written up of course, but it was a personal thing. You understand, right Phil? You’ve been on dates, right? Doesn’t matter. Point is, let’s give them a little privacy, okay? Except me” he says suddenly turning his gaze between Maria and Natasha. “You’re going to tell me, right? Cause in a way, I kinda helped make all this happen-“ That has Phil’s eyes practically bulging out of his head. 

“You knew about all of this?” he barks. Clint, unflappable as always, just tilts his head towards Phil and grins. 

“From the very beginning, my friend! When it comes to their date being successful, I share part of the glory!” Maria raises an eyebrow at that and Natasha avoids looking at her. Maria figured Clint had been helping Natasha behind the scenes, but this, well, it was nice knowing that Natasha had someone in her corner too. “So, if you could leave so that they can tell me all about it, that’d be great” finishes Clint. Phil just stares at him for a moment before turning on his heel and leaving. Hawkins is left there gasping like a fish, not sure what to do, but leaves after a few seconds, shutting the door behind him. 

“So, what do you think is happening now?” asks Natasha. Maria props her chin on her hand, and shakes her head. 

“Now? Now, he’s probably going to try and have it out with Victoria, who will either kick him out of her office, or have one of her large and intense agents do it” answers Maria with a shrug. 

“Did the two of you really get side lined by work on your date? Neither of you could just, you know, let it go for just one night? I mean, you Commander, I can see you being all committed to the job. But you Natasha, I thought I’d rubbed off enough on you for you to let it go. Plus, I don’t teach just anyone to bowl, my kids will tell you that” he says as he sits forward with his elbows on his knees. Maria’s eyebrows go up at that, and she turns towards Natasha to give her a small smile. Natasha stares at her lap while her face turns about four shades of red. Clint turns his head between them and then turns back to talk to Natasha. “What? You two didn’t go bowling? Arcade games, bowling, and food? That was perfect! What the hell did you two do instead?” he asks. 

“Museum” answers Natasha flatly. Clint then shifts his incredulous gaze between the two women. 

“Since when is that a date spot? Whoever sent you there… should never be consulted again” he states. Maria nods. 

“We’ve taken care of that, don’t worry” assures Maria. 

“You two have to get lives-“ he starts again, but Natasha interrupts. 

“What do you think we’ve been doing?” she asks with a glare.

“No, no, no, no. That’s figuring out who you are. Living life is different. It’s about getting out there and doing stuff!” he explains. His enthusiasm is getting a little tiring now. Natasha kicks at him with her foot. 

“When are we supposed to do that? Between missions? We’re lucky we managed a date!” argues the red head. 

“Yes, a boring date to a museum- “ He starts again, and Maria sighs. She’d be the first one to admit that the date could have been a lot better. She’s just about to say as much, when Natasha gives him a much less gentle kick. 

“It was a fun date! We did a heist while on a date. A date heist!” she explains. Clint gives her a quizzical look. 

“What on earth does that mean?” he asks. It’s a perfectly valid question, and Maria is curious to know the answer. 

“It means, I had fun even if we weren’t bowling. I happen to enjoy stealing things. It uses my skill set, but I don’t have to kill people” says Natasha with a shrug and a smile. 

“That’s… that’s what you find fun? Okay, well, first of all, that’s cheating-“ he begins, clearly having a lot of problems with what they’d done. Apparently, they’d done it wrong. Maria sort of knew that the moment they showed up at the museum, but at least according to Clint, there was more they’d screwed up, and she hadn’t found that possible. 

“How is that cheating?” demands Natasha, with another kick, this time to his thigh. 

“Ow! Stop it! And yes, using a skill set you already have to your advantage on a data is cheating. On a date, you have to evenly suck at whatever it is you’re doing” he says with authority. Natasha just snorts. 

“What if you’re just going out to dinner?” she retorts. Maria can tell she won’t stop until she finds some sort of flaw with his line of thinking. 

“Gotta find some place new to go” he nods. 

“That’s just ridiculous. What if it’s a favorite spot for the both of you?” she counters again, but Clint is ready. 

“Then it’s just boring” he answers with a shrug. Maria just watches. The two are like siblings, little siblings, and will continue to argue probably until she has to kick them out and actually has to get some work done. She’s happy though. She had figured dating Natasha would mean having Clint there in some capacity. If it means Natasha has someone besides her in her corner, she doesn’t care. Could she call what they’re doing dating after just one date? Guess they’d have to go on another one to be sure. She couldn’t wait. 


	10. Change of Character

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS A SMUT CHAPTER!!! I'm not very good at writing smut so we'll see how this works out. This also sort of comes out of nowhere, but it's all part of an intricate plan. A rough plan. Okay, a vague plan. But I know where to take it next. I hope to update this story either this week or the beginning of the next. Again, THIS IS A SMUT CHAPTER!!! You have been warned. 
> 
> SUMMARY: A mission doesn't go exactly as planned, but Natasha handles it. Once the mission is over, it leads to something unexpected. Something Maria doesn't understand.

Maria still doesn’t understand what happened. It won’t be going in any report of hers, no one else needs to know what happened once the mission was over. In fact, what happened when the mission was over was nobody’s business. At that point they were both off the clock. But it doesn’t change what happened between them. She has a feeling whatever triggered it would make their next interaction difficult. Natasha had been very forthcoming with everything, her deprogramming and how it was going, things she didn’t understand or was nervous about, personal issues and questions she had. This though, this was on a completely different level and she was almost certain Natasha wouldn’t want to talk about it. Maria would have to report her concerns if she thought it would impact Natasha’s abilities in the field, but Natasha had always been skilled at compartmentalizing. She just hoped that Natasha wouldn’t retreat to her old habits and shut her out. 

* * *

It was an intel gathering mission. Nothing out of the ordinary really, the mark was labeled as dangerous and unpredictable, but it was nothing Natasha couldn’t handle. This was Phil Coulson’s opinion but also Natasha’s. Maria hadn’t been worried, she was confident in Natasha’s abilities, but Natasha had held her gaze when she agreed to the mission. She didn’t have much of a choice in the matter, but she had wanted Maria to know it was okay. 

It was your ordinary setup. There would be a team that would monitor the mission through comms and would be there for the hand off of the intel. There would be another team there for body disposal when things were over and Maria would act as transport to get Natasha out of there. This was a standard mission and not the kind of thing Maria was normally part of, but she was involved because there were people who still thought Natasha couldn’t be trusted. She wasn’t sure what they expected her to do if Natasha didn’t follow through or defied orders, probably put the bullet in her head personally as a punishment, but she has no doubt things would go well. 

Maria was on comms as well, to monitor what happened. Everything was going fine. Coulson was still under the impression that Natasha had no value except as someone to use for her abilities as a seductress or killer. This particular mission called for both. 

The night started off in the hotel bar, where Natasha seduced the mark. This part went off without a hitch. It was in part due to Natasha’s training, she’d been taught to use everything from her tone of voice to the way she moved in order to make the mark unable to resist her. Then there was the fact that Natasha was a knockout by anyone’s standards. Maria found her physically attractive, it was hard not to, but she also found the rest of her just as intriguing as well. She might be the only one who thought of her that way. Fortunately, the mark was predictable, as most men were when it came to the red head. 

The bit the in the bar goes well, Natasha knows exactly how to work him. It can’t be rushed or the mark might get suspicious, so they’re there a while as Natasha makes conversation over drinks. Natasha has a high alcohol tolerance so Maria isn’t worried about her mind getting cloudy while working and it’s a good thing since they’re three drinks in before they head upstairs. Natasha moves things along smoothly, but they also didn’t put it above the mark to try and drug her. Natasha didn’t seem worried about it and it gave Maria a sick feeling in her stomach. How does one get trained to be immune from being drugged? She could only guess what it involved and that’s where her sick feeling came from. 

When things move to going up to the room, she can hear them kissing in the elevator. Maria’s also good at compartmentalizing, so she doesn’t let her emotions get involved. Well, that’s normally the case, she cares about all her agents and doesn’t like putting them in uncomfortable situations, even when she knows they can handle it. But despite her best efforts, Natasha is different. Natasha means more to her. That shouldn’t be the case, as deputy director she’s not being objective, but no one else but Barton is looking out for Natasha and he’s not involved in this particular mission. That was probably done on purpose. There’s also the fact that she’s… well, she’s not sure what they are. Maria would like to call it dating, but she isn’t sure one date meant that. They haven’t even kissed and it certainly hadn’t gone farther than that, which also doesn’t make them anything. Regardless of what they were, she’s not being impartial and that makes her uneasy. So, when she hears them making out in the elevator and down the hallway, she’s unable to control the fact that it makes her uncomfortable, but for personal reasons. 

Shaking her head clear, she listens as the two of them enter the room. They progress to the bed and things get hot and heavy. That’s where things change and go off script. For some reason, it occurs to the mark that this kind of thing doesn’t normally happen to him. That he’s not the kind of person that people like Natasha just pick up in a bar. Normally, if this happens at all, the mark usually overlooks it, simply counting themselves lucky that they get to spend even one night with someone like Natasha. 

What they hear has Maria sitting up in her seat. There’s the sound of a hard blow against skin and a surprised sound that comes from Natasha. Then she hears the sound of someone being shoved off the bed and there’s a hard thud as someone hits the floor. There’s the sound of two people moving fast, followed by the sound of shattering glass and a scuffle. Something is said quickly in Italian. Maria is fluent in a handful of languages but Italian isn’t one of them. Then there’s the sound of fighting, grunts and the sound of blows as they hit. The sound of glass was what had Maria reminding herself that Natasha could handle this, that no one was a better fighter, even if the attack was unexpected. She continues to remind herself of this as the fight sounds to get more violent. There’s the sound of a muffled gunshot, she’s guessing, hoping it’s from the small gun they gave Natasha. She’s guessing a pillow was used a silencer. She’s reminding herself of how capable Natasha is because the gun they gave her only holds two shots. The fight is over. There’s the sound of rustling which could be Natasha looking for the intel or the mark quickly packing. Maria’s parked about two blocks away with her car aimed at the hotel’s back exit, so she’ll see whoever comes out. It’s up to her whether she uses the car to run him over or shoots him. 

“In position and holding” she confirms over comms. The sounds of rustling continue and it’s followed by the sounds of the hotel safe being opened but then closed again. Moments later, there’s the sound of cloth tearing. This continues for a while and then a voice comes over the comms. 

“Found it. It was in the lining of his coat” announces Natasha, and Maria lets out a long breath in relief. 

The rest of it goes like it’s supposed to, exactly as they planned. Natasha comes out the back door, one of their agents walks up and she hands over the intel and her comms. “Asset out and streets are clear” says someone’s voice over the comms and Maria shakes her head in aggravation. Natasha is more than just an asset. The disguised van pulls up to deal with the body disposal, and Natasha walks the two blocks to Maria’s waiting car. “Okay, that’s it for us everybody. Reports due by 1800 tomorrow” announces Phil and then the comms shut off. Maria rolls her eyes. As the highest-ranking agent, it should be her announcing the end of the operation, but it’s not worth getting into a fight over. She simply pulls the comms out of her ear and waits.

Natasha gets into the passenger side and Maria steers into the hotel parking lot, making a U turn. Then they’re driving away. Maria checks her mirrors every so often, making sure they’re safe, but reaches over and squeezes Natasha’s hand. They drive around a while, like protocol says, to shake off any possible tails or confuse any tracking. When she’s sure they’re completely clear, she’s finally able to glance over at the red head. There’s blood trickling from her hair line and her cheek was slightly swollen. Maria knows that Natasha was the one who was hit when things started to go bad, but it looks like she’d also been the one to be hit with the glass. She wonders if Natasha suffered any other injuries. She knows she can handle a lot, but she worries about possibly broken ribs, that sort of thing. The mark had been a big guy. She doesn’t voice her concerns, not wanting Natasha to think she doubted her in some way. 

Throughout the ride, Natasha is silent. At first, Maria thinks it’s just her being professional or maybe she’s just processing what happened. Twenty minutes later, Natasha is still quiet and makes her start to worry. She’s not sure what she expected them to talk about, but she thought there would be something. Unable to take it anymore, she pulls into a nearby parking garage and parks on the second level. 

“Natasha, what’s wrong?” she asks as she undoes her seatbelt. They’ll be switching cars in a minute, but they’re off the clock right now, so they can take the time to talk. It’s two in the morning, so there’s no one around and they’re safe. 

Natasha stares at her for a long moment, and she's about to ask again, when Natasha takes her seatbelt off. Figuring the red head just doesn’t want to talk about it, she turns towards the door to get out, letting it go. Suddenly, the car locks click and they’re trapped inside. Maria’s confused and turns back towards Natasha. Natasha reached between her legs and quickly pulls the handle that sends Maria’s seat sliding back from the steering wheel. Maria tries to figure out what’s happening, but Natasha is crawling over her and straddling her leg. 

Her mouth is open to ask her what's going on, but then Natasha is kissing her. Maria tries to pull away, but Natasha is pushing her back into the seat. She tries to turn her head away, but Natasha’s hands come up to her face and hold her in place. Her hands are gentle but her mouth is kissing her deeper. After a moment, it occurs to her that Natasha might need this, but the feeling makes her uneasy. She doesn’t want things between them to be this way, but Natasha keeps moving against her. This all goes through her mind in seconds. Then her hands find their way to Natasha’s waist. 

She begins to respond, to kiss her back and Natasha moans into her mouth. She had dressed casually, like they were supposed to in order not to draw attention, and Natasha’s hands move from her face down to the buttons on her shirt. Maria moves stop her, but she pushes her hands away, and resumes unbuttoning her shirt. Maria’s finally able to breath when Natasha moves her lips away and starts to kiss from her temple and down her jaw. Maria tries to take a deep breath and focus for a minute, but as Natasha moves down her throat her breath hitches. She gasps as Natasha’s hands enter her shirt and travel up her sides and then down her abs. She groans when Natasha moves back up and licks into her mouth before biting her lower lip. It stings and Maria lets her hand skim up the red head’s back and bury themselves in the hair at the nape of her neck. 

Natasha hums approvingly against her mouth. Then Maria feels Natasha’s hands at the button of her jeans and quickly removes her hands from her hair, reaching down and gripping her hands, stopping her. Natasha tries to pull free, but Maria holds firm. There isn’t much room to pull away, but she tries her best and looks Natasha in the eyes. Natasha gazes back at her as she reaches over to the side and pulls the lever that adjusts the seat back. Whatever Maria was going to say is lost when the seat back suddenly falls backwards. Natasha surges forward and begins to kiss her deeply again as her hands resume working on her jeans. Natasha leans back for a moment and hikes up the bottom of her dress and settles down on Maria’s leg again. 

“Natasha…” she tries again. This time Natasha moves slowly, her hands going into her shirt again, this time rubbing up her abs and brushing softly against the underside of her breasts. Maria’s unable to help herself and leans forward to kiss her. She feels one of Natasha's hands sink into her jeans while the other pushes her bra down and begins to play with her breast. Maria’s hands find their way from her back to her waist and pulls her closer. She’s unable to hold back her whimper when Natasha tweaks her nipple before moving to cradle her neck. She knew Natasha’s hand was in her pants, but feeling her move her underwear aside and begin to rub her, is still unexpected and her body jerks. Gently holding Natasha’s face, she pulls her closer and into another deep kiss as she moans at the feel of her fingers. 

Natasha moves her other hand and pulls her collar back, kissing down the side of her neck before moving to her collar bone. She bites at it and then soothes the spot with her tongue. Maria moves one hand back to her waist and the other to Natasha’s shoulder. She pushes her back enough that she can kiss down her throat. Natasha moans and braces one hand on the back of the seat. Suddenly, she stops rubbing her and before Maria can even groan at the loss, Natasha thrusts two fingers inside her. Maria shudders against her and drops her head onto her shoulder. Natasha begins to move then, grinding against her jeans, and Maria can feel her wetness seeping into them. Natasha pulls back, and nudges Maria’s head up so she can kiss her again, her fingers still moving in her as she continues to grind down against her leg. It’s not long before Maria’s coming, and she makes a mixture of a whimper and a moan into Natasha’s mouth. She can feel herself shaking and then riding aftershocks as Natasha steadily slows her fingers. At the same time, she begins to rub herself back and forth a bit while grinding down even harder. Maria’s trying to catch her breath, but holding her close as she feels the wet spot on her leg grow. Natasha was groaning against her neck when her thighs begin to shake and then she’s coming against her leg, her head against the side of Maria’s neck and her mouth open but not making a sound. 

She slumps against her and Maria holds her close and draws lazy circles on her back. Natasha burrows into the space beside her neck and breaths heavily. Maria continues to hold her but is mostly recovered. Guilt begins to seep in. This shouldn't have happened, not like this, and she wants to know why it did. When Natasha’s breathing finally gets back to normal, she doesn’t move, neither of them do. Maria is about to say something, but Natasha beats her to it. 

“He said _Red Room will never let you go_ ” she whispers and Maria tries to hold back the shiver from the feeling of Natasha’s words against her neck. 

“We’re not going to let them take you-“ she starts, but Natasha shakes her head a little and places her fingers against Maria’s lips to silence her. Maria can’t control the feeling of arousal that goes through her at the smell of herself on Natasha’s fingers. 

“You can’t promise that. No one can. Red Room is-“ This time it’s Maria who stops her, moving a hand from her back to pull Natasha’s away. 

“I made a promise to you when I had Clint make you that offer. SHIELD made a promise to you when we gave you a clean slate, a new life. Part of all that is helping you leave your enemies behind” she explains softly next to Natasha’s temple. Natasha snorts and Maria lets out a sigh. 

“It’s not like there aren’t a lot of agents who would be sad to see me go. They’d be glad to shoot me themselves instead of risking me turning against them.” Maria doesn’t know how to respond to that because it’s most likely true. As Victoria had pointed out, more than half of SHIELD doesn’t trust Natasha. Maria knows that some of the higher ups don’t either, but they can’t control Director Fury’s decisions. Instead, Maria does the best she can for a reply. 

“It’s not like you don’t have allies though. You have me, Clint, Victoria, even Sharon. You know as well as I do that Clint won’t let anything happen to you. Neither will I. Director Fury won’t either. He may not be around much but he does ask after you. He trusts my judgement and will keep the promise I made. I can’t tell you that you have nothing to worry about, but you do have people here for you. Then there are the agents that aren’t against you, the agents that will fulfill their duty, no matter what their opinions are.” Natasha says nothing but doesn’t move away. One of her hands goes back to Maria’s open shirt and rubs her side with the back of her fingers. Maria’s not sure how long they stay like that, but eventually they have to get back. Maria doesn’t know how to say it, doesn’t really want to move, but Natasha seems to sense it. 

“I wasn’t afraid before. Dying didn’t frighten me. It does now” she whispers. Maria doesn’t know what to say, so she just rubs at Natasha’s back. They sit there a little while longer. Natasha leans up and kisses her lips once more before moving back to her seat. Maria gets her seat back into its normal position and does up her shirt and jeans while Natasha stares out the windshield, not really looking at anything. The wet spot on her jeans has cooled and now simply feels cold against her skin. She looks at Natasha for a moment before unlocking the doors and getting out. She goes around to the other side and opens Natasha’s door before taking her hand and helping her out. She brushes a lock of red hair out of the other woman’s face and it exposes the wound from earlier. The wound she’d forgotten about. She brings her hand down to the side of her face and rubs her thumb against Natasha’s cheek bone. Natasha gives her a look she can’t describe for a long minute before letting Maria guide her to the other car. 

* * *

As they drive back to the Triskelion, Maria holds her hand. When they get to the agent quarters area, Maria isn’t sure what to do. She doesn’t know if she should let Natasha be alone right now. She knows that there will be whispers if she stays in Natasha’s quarters or Natasha stays at hers, but she can’t make herself care. She looks over at her when Natasha lets go of her hand. Natasha gives her a smile she can’t describe before walking the other way towards her quarters. 

* * *

As Maria gets ready for bed, she can’t help think about what happened tonight. Everything from the mission to what happened in the car. As Natasha said, she’s scared now, and that’s not something the red head is used to feeling. It has to be confusing on top of everything else. She doesn’t know why that lead to what happened in the car though. Was it out of a need for comfort and she didn’t know any other way to get it? She had been taught to use sex as a weapon, but that’s not what Maria thinks this is. Something triggered that response and Maria wants to know what. Red Room is a very valid threat, but she doesn't want to think it would lead to this. It’s not that she thinks this will happen between Natasha and someone else, but she can’t let go of her concern for her. She also knows she can’t talk about this with anyone. Not Sharon, not Victoria, no one. With a sigh, she tries to quiet her mind, but it keeps going back to Natasha. When she reconsiders everything and adds Natasha's fear of Red Room to it, what happened tonight feels like some sort of goodbye. 


	11. Discussions in the Waiting Room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha really doesn't want to talk about what happened, but after nearly two weeks of avoiding everyone, she has to talk to someone to sort out her feelings. Maria isn't an option because what she owes her is an explanation, not watching as she fails to figure things out. She's not telling the doctors helping her either. Even though it's supposed to be confidential, it'll be put in a file somewhere. That just leaves Clint, and she can do that, as long as she doesn't have to look at him while explaining. 
> 
> Then Maria's attacked. She still hasn't talked about it, but there's no one in the waiting room but them so there's no reason not to. She tries to figure it out what it means as well as the repercussions.

Something happened, of that Clint’s sure. Whatever it is, Natasha won’t talk about it. In fact, Natasha won’t talk about much of anything unless it’s mission related. Otherwise, she’s almost like she was when they first brought her to SHIELD, and that scares him. Maria won’t talk about it either. He hasn’t tried to ask her, but he knows she won’t out of respect for Natasha’s privacy. He’d find that admirable if he wasn’t so concerned about Natasha. He doesn’t know how to help her. 

It’s not only Natasha though. Maria’s thrown herself back into her work. She hardly leaves her office and probably wouldn’t be eating if Sharon didn’t bring her meals. She would sleep on her couch if Victoria Hand didn’t practically drag Maria back to her quarters at night. They weren’t spending time with each other either. Whatever happened, they stopped after that. The most alarming thing was probably the fact that Coulson had shut up too. There’s no way he knew what happened either, but the fact that the two weren’t near each other was enough for him. He knows he’s seen as an idiot to most, but that’s intentional. Right now, he just wishes he could help them both, especially since they’d both been happy and he knows that doesn’t happen often. For either of them. 

* * *

Maria is trying very hard to focus on the work in front of her. She’s been trying the whole day, every day, but despite this she only gets a minimal amount done. So, she tries to stay longer but that doesn’t add to her productivity. Her mind keeps drift to the red head all the time. She hasn’t figured out anything more about Natasha. She doesn’t want to resort to looking at her file. At this point, after getting to know Natasha, it feels like an invasion of privacy. She’d been the one to put it together, so she doubted she was missing much anyway. 

Natasha has been avoiding her since the day after it had all happened. She’s not sure what she expected, maybe things being a bit awkward for a while or acting like it hadn’t happened, but Natasha was ignoring her altogether. Maybe she shouldn’t feel so bad since she seems to be avoiding pretty much everybody, but she does. She’s seen her a few times, in the mess hall and once in the gym. In both places, she’d waited until Natasha saw her but didn’t approach her, letting Natasha make the first move. Instead, Natasha had looked at her for a minute or two before leaving the area. After that, she hadn’t really been paying attention as to whether Natasha was around or not when she went places. She knew the operative would promptly leave, so it didn’t matter. 

Then there was her down time. She’d been spending time out of her office when she had something to do. When she had plans with Natasha. She could be taking the time off to spend the time to herself, but that just made her incredibly lonely. After having a friend, something that was going past friends actually, not spending time with her seemed worse than it used to. Before they’d recruited her, Maria was used to being on her own. Her friends were almost constantly off on missions. She knew this for a fact since she had to approve most of them. So, she’d gotten used to working long hours and sometimes watching a movie or at least starting a book on her own. Now doing either reminded her of how she used to do it with Natasha, it was just something else that made her feel lonely. 

She’d had both Sharon and Victoria try to talk to her, but she didn’t want to share. With her luck, it’d be spread all around the carrier and Triskelion in a matter of hours. She trusted the two of them to keep her secrets, it wouldn’t be them, it would just be saying it aloud. That would make it all real. She also felt it wasn’t hers to share. She’d been involved, but the reason was something only Natasha knew. Until the redhead decided to talk about it, probably with Clint, she was entitled to her privacy. 

Natasha must have shut down. The only time anyone saw her was at briefings, missions, and debriefings. None of those would have involved her anyway since Victoria was Natasha’s handler. Clint hadn’t come to talk to her but she could tell he was concerned. If anyone was able to reach her, it would be him, so she wishes him luck. The only good thing that had come of all of this was that Director Fury hadn’t come to see her about it. He was the last person she’d want to discuss this with, but as her superior, she’d doubts she’d even have a choice in the matter. 

* * *

Natasha knew what she was doing. She was avoiding Maria because while she had a feeling she knew why it had all happened, she didn’t know how to explain it. Maria had helped her so much when it came to becoming someone, she was afraid to tell her that she was reverting to some of her old tendencies. She wouldn’t have done it with just anybody, but she actually cared about Maria so it had made it all easier. She had wanted the comfort of another person, someone that actually cared about her, not just sex with some random person she’d forget about five minutes later. 

She could have told Maria what had been said before all of it, but if she was being honest, that simply hadn’t occurred to her. She had wanted Maria, her presence, her reassurance, but had gone with what she knew. For some reason, Maria was still there for her after. She had held her close and done her best to comfort her. Maria hadn’t lied to her since she’d been at SHIELD, so she knew she’d meant what she’d said. She’d meant the promises she’d made as well as the fact that there were people she could trust. She also knew that Maria saw it as more as just sex. Despite how she went about it, so did she. That was something new, and she’d talk about it with Clint if she didn’t feel so awful. Maria had tried to stop her more than once, but she’d ignored her and continued. Maria probably thought she was taking advantage of her when it had been the other way around. Maria had shut herself away in her office. She wondered if she saw Maria, if they’d act as if it simply hadn’t happened, but she didn’t want that either, and she wasn’t sure why. It would be the easiest option. She’d really rather not explain any of this to Clint. 

She was avoiding everyone, not just Maria. Knowing that most of the other agents hated her, she didn’t really want to be around any of them. She has a feeling the only reason Sharon or Victoria hadn’t visited her was because Maria had said anything about it, and one of them was like family and the other was her closest friend. She wasn’t sure what that meant. Was Maria so guilty or ashamed that she didn’t want to discuss it at all? Maria had tried to talk to her twice, but she had run. Thankfully, or maybe not, Maria hadn’t tried again since. 

She didn’t read in her spare time because she had no one to discuss them with. There were some books she wasn’t a fan of when she read them or that she loved, but without having someone to talk about them with, it wasn’t as fun. When it came to movies, Maria had usually been the one to pick them, so she went back to watching things with him to pass the time. She knew he was worried about her, but she saw him as sort of big brother. This was definitely the last thing she’d discuss with a sibling. Or maybe it was, it’s not like she’d know. So, she tended to spend her time in the gym. She was more than capable of working out on her own, but sometimes Clint sparred with her. When he wasn’t available, she’d take on anyone who wanted to try, but so far there hadn’t been much of a challenge. If she wasn’t on a mission or something associated with one, she was at the gym until her body was barely able to make it back to her quarters. If she managed a shower afterwards she was lucky, otherwise she’d just get one the next morning. 

This whole avoidance thing lasts almost two weeks, and despite going out on a number of missions, it felt like the longest two weeks ever. It might have lasted longer, but she was unable to avoid Maria any longer when Clint came running to her quarters and banged on her door until she opened it. The look of panic gave her a sick feeling in her stomach because there wasn’t much that shook him, but there also wasn’t a lot that if it did, would concern her. When she does open the door, he doesn’t bother coming in, he simply grabs her arm and drags her behind him until she pulls him to a stop and demands to know what’s going on. Maria had been at an offsite presentation or something when she’d been attacked. There was an explosion too, but that’s all he knew. She wouldn’t have been able to move if Clint hadn’t gone back to dragging her along. 

When then they get to the corridor leading to the medical wing, Natasha still can’t get her body to respond. Her blood has run cold and every part of her feels like it weighs a ton. For once she’s not having any trouble with her emotions because she isn’t really feeling anything. All she feels is numb. Thankfully, Clint is taking care of getting them the rest of the way there. She can’t really focus, all she can hear is her heart pounding in her ears. 

Without knowing who was responsible, her mind automatically goes to the worst possibility. She can’t help but wonder if this Red Room. One of their tactics was to kill all those who were likely to attempt a rescue, before recapture. Not only would there be the personal loss and guilt, but then you would be trapped since there wouldn’t be anyone coming after you. It wasn’t like Red Room couldn’t kill them even if they did though. Was this them going after Maria? Was Clint next? If they weren’t on a mission, he was usually with her, but they didn’t need anything else to be paying attention in the field. Especially another threat, but they wouldn’t be above it. The only person that could probably give her details would be Coulson and there was no way he’d tell her anything. 

At the medical wing, Maria hadn’t been brought in yet, so there was no one to see. They’re ready to settle into chairs, when the medical staff tells them that they probably won’t be able to see her for a while anyway. Natasha had known that, but didn’t need to be reminded of it. Until then, she’d sit here in the chairs and try to cope with her anxiety. Clint settles into the chair next to her and crosses his legs. 

“So, you going to tell me what happened between you two? Your whole avoiding her thing has gone on for a while now, and it just doesn’t seem like the way you’d normally deal with things. If it was anybody else, you’d just beat them into the mats, but I can see how you might not want to do that to the Deputy Director of this place. Still, if she did something, we can put glitter in her vents if you want to” he purposes. Natasha turns her head and gives him a look. “Maria’s not exactly being sociable anymore either. Sharon and Victoria are taking care of her, making sure she, you know, bathes and stuff. Otherwise, she’s living in that office of hers just like she used to.” Clint tilts his head at her and squints. Natasha looks pointedly at her shoes. She’d hoped Clint would ignore it, but it didn’t look like it. 

“I did something stupid” she mutters. Clint leans over in order to hear her, and she really hopes he did because even if it’s vague, she doesn’t plan on repeating it. 

“Is it fixable?” he asks. Natasha is just grateful he’s not asking for specifics yet. He probably will at some point in this conversation, but that’s exactly when she plans to shut up. He’s still waiting on an answer though, so she starts with a shrug. Wanting more than that, he nudges her with his shoulder. 

“I don’t know. I screwed up really bad.” Clint turns to get a better look at her. She can feel his stare, it’s his Dad stare, and it makes her shift uncomfortably in her seat. 

“Did you hurt her?” Natasha rolls her eyes, although she supposes it’s the most logical assumption. It’s the main thing she’s known for. 

“No. At least… not physically” she answers. She’s going out of her way to keep her voice low, even though there’s no one around. Clint continues to stare at her for a moment as he decides what to say. 

“I hate to tell you this, but emotional wounds sometimes hurt more and are harder to fix than physical ones. Is there anything you can do?” Natasha winces and turns away to look at the other side of the room. “Nat, what happened? You can tell me. If I haven’t done it myself, I can at least sympathize.” Natasha looks back at him and chews her at her bottom lip. She wishes she could, she needs someone to talk to, but as much as she trusts him, she doesn’t want pity or judgement, especially from him. 

“I can’t talk about it…” she says softly. 

“Someone swear you to secrecy or something?” he says with a grin. She really needs to work on hiding her emotions better when she’s around him. He’s the only one who can easily read her. Well, him and Maria. The thought makes her swallow hard. Clint notices that too. She can tell since there’s nothing but concern all over his face. “Did she do something?” She turns sharply towards him. 

“No! No. I don’t… She didn’t do anything. It was all my fault.” 

“Okay, if you don’t think you can fix it, why not? What keeps that from being possible?” he says gently. Natasha looks up at the ceiling, trying not to cry. Clint puts a hand on her shoulder and rubs it gently. She doesn’t know what to say or how to even try to explain, but is saved from having to by the sounds of something happening in medical. Possibly the sound of someone arriving. She and Clint bolt out of their seats and go to see… well she’s not sure. It’s not like she can help, but she has to know if Maria’s alright. Clint seems to pick up this too and leads her back to the chairs. 

“So, did something happen on the mission? I know what role you were supposed to play in all of it. I know that you can do more than that, it’ll just take a while for others to be willing to see that too.” She shakes her head, but has a feeling he’s going to keep guessing. His guesses aren’t anywhere close, and she knows they’ll only get worse. 

“I… reverted back to old habits” she says. It might give him the wrong impression, but she feels better having at least alluded to it. 

“Did it have something… was it something that you could work on with your deprogramming sessions?” Oh, how she wishes it was. 

“I didn’t hurt her or attack her-“ she starts but he shakes his head. 

“I know, you already said that, and I believe you.” She nods and lets out a shaky breath. 

“We… had sex” she mutters softy. Glancing sideways, she knows he heard her based on how his eyebrows have practically lifted off his head. 

“Okay…” That makes her feel even worse and she slumps in her chair. Based on how he said it, she knows he’s searching for something to say, he just can’t find anything. 

“That is something people do… maybe not so soon, but it happens. It doesn’t make it wrong though.” His hand is still on her shoulder and now his thumb is rubbing back and forth trying to offer comfort but all it does is increase her shame. She’s not the one who needs comforting. That’s Maria for what she did but also since she was attacked. Since there still wasn’t anything they could do about that, she figures she might as well finish tell him now that she’s started. 

“Maybe, but she didn’t know- It wasn’t exactly planned and she didn’t expect it. She tried to stop it from happening twice, but I ignored her. She wanted to do things right, and so did I, but I… went back to old habits I guess.” If she could slump any farther in her chair without falling off, she would. Clint is now staring straight ahead trying to wrap his head around everything. 

“What triggered it? I mean, your reaction didn’t come out of nowhere.”

“On the mission, the mark said something. He said _Red Room will never let you go_. I got scared and I haven’t felt like that since, well, since Red Room first took me. I wanted… comfort maybe? From someone that actually cared about me. Maybe that wasn’t it, I don’t know. I mean maybe that wasn’t what I wanted. But I feel so guilty and ashamed. Maria deserved better than that. Not to be treated that way. What made it worse was that she thought I deserved better than that too.” 

“Well, have you tried to fix it or is that your reason for staying in your room most of the time now?” 

“She’s tried to approach me twice, but I ran. She hasn’t tried again since. Clint, I don’t know what to say. What can I say? I’m not even sure why I did it, so how do I explain?” 

“Well, you and I talk things out, why wouldn’t that work with her?” Natasha sighs. Of course, Maria was one of the few that had read her file. She probably was the one to put it together since she’d been the one in charge of tracking her down. 

“She knows… well she put together my file and monitors my deprogramming. So, she knows that I used to see sex as just a weapon to use. I mean, that’s what I had just done on the mission. I don’t want her to see it this way, but what else is she supposed to think?” 

“Well, it’s clear that it meant something to you. I mean if it didn’t, you wouldn’t be feeling guilty and ashamed. That counts for something.” Natasha snorts. Even if it does, it doesn’t count for much. 

However, she planned to reply is cut off by seeing Director Fury walk past them and into medical. Luckily, he doesn’t even spare them a glance on his way in. She feels her hands begin to shake, and she knows Clint notices because it’s not something she can hide without shoving them in her pockets or sitting on them. As that thought occurs to her, she wishes she had pockets, but she’s in workout clothes at the moment. 

“What if I did this?” Clint frowns at her, not following. “What if this was Red Room. It’s no secret that Maria and I are close, not with it being all around SHIELD and so many disapproving. What if this is just the start of Red Room coming after me? I mean, she was already being attacked, why was the explosion necessary? What if they come after you next? What if- “ Once she got started, she couldn’t make herself stop. There were too many possibilities to consider. Clint turns and takes her firmly by the shoulders and that’s the only reason she’s able to stop. For some reason, he doesn’t look mad. 

“Look, that’s just your panic speaking. You’re used to thinking everything through and normally a good thing, but right now, it’s getting the better of you. There’s no reason to believe that’s what happened. Anyway, would they do that? Attack so soon after giving you a warning?” 

“I don’t know. But I can’t go back, I _won’t_. My only choice is to run, but then I’d have Red Room and SHIELD after me.” Clint sits back and gives her a look. 

“Come on, Fury, Maria, and I all know that we wouldn’t have caught you unless you wanted us to. You’re very good at what you do. But now you don’t have to, okay? We’re going to be with you on this. As for me, well, I’m not as dumb as I look. I know that’s hard to believe, but it’s true.” This pulls a smile from Natasha, even though smiling is the last thing she wants to do right now. “I can take care of myself. I probably won’t ever be as prepared as you or Maria, you two think and go over everything and prepare for it. I kinda just go with the flow, but I’m not going down without a fight. Plus, you’ve shown me a few moves when we spar, after you’re done slamming me into the mat that is.” She feels another smile creeping on her face. Just as quickly, it’s replaced by a frown. “What?” 

“You can’t- I can’t let anything happen to you. You have… you have Laura and Cooper. And Maria has Sharon and the others. If anything happens to her I’ll have Director Fury after me too. Either everyone will think I did it personally, led people here to do it on purpose, or that I was tracked her. You know that’s what Coulson has thought from the beginning.” She’d only been thinking of Maria, but it would have repercussions for a lot of others too. She’s not too worried about herself, it was bound to happen one way or another, possibly even with SHIELD being the ones to do it. It’s not like Coulson hadn’t pretty much tried to already. Actually, if it wasn’t for Maria, that was what SHIELD was what supposed to do. 

“I’m telling you, we’re going to help you on this. You aren’t alone anymore, okay? Besides, before we start guessing about things or discussing it with anyone so that they call out the troops, we should talk to Maria. Maybe she knows who attacked her.” She’s about to interrupt, but he talks over her. “Even in the middle of an attack, Maria doesn’t miss much. Then there’s also, the fact that the idiots might have announced themselves. I mean if you went through all that trouble, you wouldn’t want someone else taking credit.” She looks down at her lap. 

“What if-?” Thankfully, Clint already knows where her head is going because she’s not sure she could say it out loud. 

“She’s going to be fine. She’s tough, probably just a little banged up. It’ll take more than an explosion to get her. In fact, I’ll bet you a month’s paperwork that she’s back at her desk or at the screens on the carrier in two weeks, regardless of how injured she is. Maybe just her desk if it’s going to take her a bit longer to heal, but they’ll have a hard time keeping her in medical to begin with.” 

They look up when Director Fury exits and this time he gives them both a nod. Natasha tries not to squirm under his brief look. His expression gives nothing away. One of the medical staff comes out and they stand up, ready for whatever news they have. 

“You can see her now, but only one at a time.” Clint looks over at Natasha but she shakes her head. 

“You go first, I’m going to… figure out what I’m going to say. Don’t worry, I will see her, I have to if I’m going to assure myself she’s alive.” Clint gives her a sympathetic look that makes her turn her head away. 


	12. Past and Current Events

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clint goes first, but Maria and Natasha finally talk. They try to move past it but the conversation takes a turn. It's not just Maria she's having trouble with.

Maria feels like crap. Like she was hit by a truck. She knows it could have been worse, much worse, but she’s not all that pleased with how it worked out. Her right arm forearm is broken and her right leg is pretty torn up. Both had gotten pinned by the rubble. She’d managed to pull herself out, but not without screaming. Her chest got hit with a few large pieces of rubble too, so now she had a couple of broken ribs. That’s why breathing hurts, she reminds herself. The rest of her is covered in cuts and bruises, a couple of big ones too, that would all take time to heal. Until then she would be covered with stitches, butterfly strips, band aids, and some interesting looking colors until the bruises were gone. Luckily, she was ambidextrous but left hand dominant and it wouldn’t affect her work. Then she frowns. Fury had told her she couldn’t work for a month at least. He knew she wouldn’t listen, and take it more as a suggestion, so he’d made it an order. Those she couldn’t ignore, not just because he was superior but because he was looking out for her in his own way. Either way, she wouldn’t disobey. She had no idea what she’d do with herself for a month. She’d been given a separate room, not just due to her rank, but because the extent of her injuries. That hadn’t exactly been pleasant to hear. All things considered, it could have been much worse. 

She’s pulled out of her thoughts by a knock. Looking up, she sees Clint peeking around the door. She’d invite him in with a wave, but then remembers that even though only one is broken, they both hurt. Instead, she beckons him in with her chin, but regrets that too since it pulls at her neck. She didn’t even know she’d hurt that. 

“Hey. How ya doing? I know that a stupid question, but it’s kinda what you’re supposed to ask” says Clint as he takes a seat in the chair next to the bed. She does her best to smile, but her face is covered in various cuts, so it’s hard to manage. He takes in the room and notices there isn’t much there, but then gets a big grin on his face. “Hey! You have a tv!” he says excitedly. 

“I know you have a bunch of movies, but I don’t really want to watch anything. I might on my laptop later, but there’s nothing that I want to watch. The ones I own, I’ve seen before or haven’t ever made it to the end. The other ones just don’t interest me at all. And before you offer your own, I can’t stand romantic comedies.” She says anticipating his offer. 

“Okay, no. First of all, you have no excuse for your hate against rom-coms. But that’s not what I was thinking. You wanna play video games with me?” She blinks at him dumbly for a moment before responding. 

“No. I hurt.” 

“So, what are you going to do instead? Read a book? You’ve probably read all yours with Nat and how would you even hold it?” She glares at him. 

“How would I hold a controller?” 

“You’d manage. The last thing you’d want to do is lose to me” he says with a wide grin. She rolls her eyes. 

“I don’t want to play. I _hurt_.” 

“Yeah, yeah. Fury probably won’t let you work either, so what else are you going to do?” She sighs. She can’t come up with a thing, so she goes for an option that’s flimsy at best. 

“I’ll catch up on sleep. It’s not like I’m not owed years of it.” He makes a face and she sighs again and continues before he can start. “Look, I suck at racing games, find both Mario and Sonic annoying, and with our jobs, first person shooters are the last thing I need.” 

“That’s why we’re going to be shooting zombies! That’s never going to happen so it’s different from what we see every day, and gives you a feeling of accomplishment as you save the world without lifting a finger. Well, not exactly a finger, you need them to play… Hey, before we play, it’s not right?” Maria arches an eyebrow at him. “Zombies aren’t going to happen, right? I mean you know more about all of SHIELD’s secret intel, experiments, and what are enemies are up to, right? So, please tell me there’s no likelihood of that actually happening. No, wait, don’t tell me. Just give me a heads up when it all starts, okay?” She smiles even though she doesn’t want to. Clint’s comedic flair has always been infectious. Then the smile leaves her face as she watches him in closely. 

“She told you, didn’t she?” Clint swallows and then nods. Maria sighs and leans back, letting her head hit the pillows. She also regrets sighing as much as she has because that’s the last thing her ribs need. “I don’t know who else I thought she’d tell, but I’m glad if she had to tell someone, it was you.” 

“She’s trying to figure out a reason. Well, trying to figure it out in general, but she’d probably feel better if she had a reason. I don’t know everything that happened, but I have a rough idea, I think” he says with a shrug. 

“Did she tell you about the car?” 

“No. What happened in the car?” Clint’s face of confusion nearly makes her laugh. She might have if it wouldn’t hurt so much. Instead she just lifts an eyebrow. His own eyebrows nearly raise off his head and his face goes red. She’d laugh at that too if she could. 

“It wasn’t exactly comfortable…” she says, doing a poor attempt to lighten the mood. If they had to discuss it she was at least going to have a little fun making him squirm for a second. His face starts to return to its normal color, but he still looks absolutely stunned. 

“Um… that’s… unexpected, but it really doesn’t change the situation. I mean, I don’t… I’m just here to lend an ear, for both of you, but it’s really the two of you who need to talk. Just so you know, she feels really guilty and ashamed, and it’s messing with her.” Maria looks away. She should have figured as much, but Natasha wasn’t the only one it was messing with. Her own mind still hadn’t wrapped around it. Not really, anyway. She’d been there and remembers vividly what happened, but making sense of it was something else entirely. 

“I should have thought of that. She’s just figuring out her emotions so this must all be scary for her. I mean, if they’d come up before, it probably would be over the things she’s done. Not… this. I mean it hasn’t meant anything to her before, so why should it now?” She’d been right, saying it out aloud did make it hurt more. She misses Clint’s look of pity and she’s glad she did. 

She cares about you Maria. A whole lot. It meant something to her, she just… didn’t handle any of it well. The way she told me was that she just reverted. I know that’s not a good reason, but she working on figuring it out. She’s trying. I don’t… I don’t know what else to tell you.” 

“I know. I know. I feel better knowing that it at least meant something and that she’s working on it. I know that’s especially hard for her, sorting out her thoughts. Work related is fine, but when it’s personal it’s a mess. We’re both that way. It wasn’t how I was going to do things. I don’t put out until the third date. Everyone knows that” she says flatly. Unable to help it, Clint laughs. 

“So, how long has Fury banned you from working?” he asks, moving on from anything serious. She scowls at the blanket covering her as she answers. 

“A month. What the hell am I supposed to do for a month. I won’t even be able to stand at my screens after a month, so it’ll probably be even longer.” She groans as he smirks at her. 

“Don’t worry about it. We’ll get you something nifty to rest your leg on while you work at your desk. Or a stand of some kind so you can work from the couch in your office. Until then, I will graciously let you keep my prized gaming system even after you get out of here and are stuck in your quarters.” She’s not exactly tired, but she has to lean back on her pillows a bit more since sitting up is beginning to hurt. Clint picks up on this and gets up from his chair. “I’ll send Nat in. Then I’ll get my video games and wait out there until you two are done. Unlike you, I have movies on my phone. Enjoyable movies.” He announces from the doorway, and then vanishes before she has to tell him again that she doesn’t want to play. She hurts. 

Waiting for Natasha is agonizing. She knows what they have to talk about, but doesn’t want to start there straight off. Maybe she’ll mention Clint’s zombie game. Get Natasha to play with him and she can just watch. 

* * *

Natasha can’t go in until Clint comes out so she sits in her seat and stresses. Without Clint here to keep her calm, she can’t help the way her mind keeps jumping to the worst possibilities. Maybe Maria doesn’t want to see her. Maybe after trying to talk to her twice, she’s given up on her. Maybe Maria doesn’t even want to see her now. She’d probably avoid this too, but she has to make sure Maria’s alright. She has to see it with her own eyes. All she knows at the moment is that Maria is injured. If she hadn’t been, she wouldn’t have been delivered to medical. If it was something small, Maria would have insisted on driving herself. Actually, that would have happened even if it wasn’t so small. Which could only mean she was pretty badly hurt. Natasha cringed. Director Fury visiting her himself wasn’t a good sign either. She’s still preparing for the worst, when Clint comes out. He gives her a shrug, and she wants to hit him since that could mean practically anything. 

“She’s up and talking, but I dunno, she might get worn out soon. Pay attention to that, since even if she does, she’ll push herself to stay awake.” She nods but then he starts to walk away. 

“You’re leaving?” Normally, she could handle this on her own, handle anything on her own, but this is the first time she’s seen Maria since everything happened. She’s more than nervous and would feel better with Clint close by, even if he couldn’t be in the room. 

“Don’t worry, I’ll be back. I’m just going to grab my video game system and then I’ll be back here wait for you when you get out. I’ll be here, okay?” She swallows hard and nods. Gathering her courage, she makes her way in. She finds it hard to get her voice to work, but she has to ask one of the staff where Maria is. They direct her down a hallway and to the last room on the left. 

She drags her feet as she goes down the hallway. She still has no idea what to do. She knocks on the door before entering silently. Once the door is closed behind her, she finally manages to look up at Maria in the bed. Once again, she has nothing to say, but this time it’s because Maria looks awful. The two casts are obvious, and the way she’s breathing carefully says she’s hurt her ribs somehow, but there tons of cuts across her face. Most are small, probably where she was hit with small bits from the blast but the others are this close to being large gashes on her skin. They’ve tried to patch her up, but there’s no way to hide all the damage. She stands there and stares at her, unsure of what to say, knowing Maria’s waiting for something. It’s Maria who finally speaks up first. 

“It looks worse than it is. Actually, I don’t know that for sure. I haven’t seen what it all looks like, but I know that in addition to my arm, leg, and ribs, I’m being held together with a lot of bandages and thread. Doctors say I’ll be fine, but I don’t know. I’ll think I’ll go stir crazy in here for two weeks with nothing to do, and then another two weeks in quarters.” Maria says the last part practically sulking and Natasha finds it adorable. It causes a small smile on her face too. She points to the chair next to the bed and Maria nods as best she can. 

“Um…” That’s all that she manages to get out before Maria cuts her off. 

“It was AIM that attacked. They came in through the ceiling windows. I even managed to empty my gun and do a little damage. I didn’t exactly see them after the explosion, that had the side wall down. I’m guessing that’s how they were going to transport whatever they thought they were stealing. It was just a demo presentation, so none of the equipment was there anyway. They must have overestimated the amount of explosive they needed because half of the room caved in instead of just a hole in the wall. My point is, this wasn’t your fault. None of it, so get that out of your head.” It’s said softly so that no one else will hear if they come in, but firmly enough that it’s practically an order. Natasha nods quickly. 

“Did Clint tell you that I was worried about it being my fault?” She’s not sure how much he’d shared. He could have said anything to Maria, since it was him, she wouldn’t have minded. She trusts him to only tell her what’s important. 

“No. After the warning you got, I had considered possible threats. I haven’t discussed them with Fury, but should anything happen that we know for sure, I will have to let him know. As for how I knew, well, it’s written all over your face” answers Maria with a smirk. “You have to do me a favor.” Maria immediately regrets phrasing it that way given the eagerness on Natasha’s face. She looks so desperate to fix things that she’d probably get her the moon if she asked for it. “Tomorrow, or whenever he comes, he’ll probably set it up today, but when Clint comes to try and get me to play Resident Evil with him, I’d like you to come and play for me. I can’t quite yet, at least not until my hand gets used to the cast a bit more. But I don’t want him to whine that I’m not trying, or give me a play by play as if killing zombies was a sports event. So, please come and save me.” Natasha feels some of the tenseness leave her body. However the more serious part of their conversation goes, it doesn’t sound like Maria will be holding a grudge. She hasn’t thrown her out of her room or yelled at her, so at least she’ll let her try to apologize. She hopes. Maybe she just wants to pretend it never happened. She could do that, but she’d never feel right about it. Maria’s waiting on her to say something again. 

“What’s Resident Evil?” Maria does her best to smile, but it comes out awkward due to everything on her face. 

“It’s a game where this virus got out and turned people into zombies. As the player, you try to kill the zombies as you work your way through a story. It’s fun and complicated, but Clint can explain it better. Takes your mind off things. Well, it does for me at least. You don’t have to if you don’t want to, I can give it a go if you just want to watch for a while. It won’t be pretty, but you’ll get the general idea.” Natasha gives her weak smile and nods before looking down at her hands. Taking a deep breath, she figures waiting won’t make saying it any easier so she tries to get it out now. Looking up, she tries to keep from just blurting it out. 

“I wanted to apologize for what happened. You tried to stop it twice and I should have respected that, if not the first time, then the second. You didn’t want to and I ignored you.” 

“Natasha, it’s not that I didn’t want to, it’s just that I… didn’t want to do it like that. I’m not sappy enough to say I wanted it to be special, but I wanted us both to be ready for it, I didn’t want to pressure you into anything. I know you’ve had to do it as part of a job or mission so many times, I just wanted this time to be your choice.” Well, as awful as she’d felt before, she now feels worse. “Look, it doesn’t have to change anything. We can go back to being just friends if you want or we can try going on a date again at some point. Not for a while, since I won’t be able to do much for some time, but I don’t know, maybe we could watch a movie together, again as a date or just friends, which ever you’re comfortable with. You have time to decide, don’t rush. Even after I’m out of here and have another two weeks off, if Fury doesn’t think I’m ready, then I’ll be stuck in my quarters for even longer. What I’ll do for all that time, I don’t know, but Clint is loaning me his prized gaming system.”

Natasha takes a moment to think about everything Maria had just said. It’s more than she expected. Maria doesn’t hold it against her. She isn’t even asking for an explanation, she’d let her off the hook and just have them go back to how things were if she wanted to. It was more than she deserved. 

“I feel like I owe you an explanation, a reason for why it happened. I don’t have one, not even a vague one. I told Clint that I just fell back into old habits, but it wasn’t just that. I mean, I don’t think it was. I care about you very much, but I don’t know how to get past this.” As she struggles to come up with words, she misses the pained expression on Maria’s face that has nothing to do with her injuries. 

“It’s been made very clear to me that killing and sex, whether it’s just the appeal or the action, is all I’m good for. Maybe I’m capable of more, but there are only four of you that think that. I… it’s not that you tried to stop me, but I pushed forward, that makes me feel awful. I mean it does, but I also used those skills on you. With you? One or the other, and you mean more to me than that. I should have dealt with things another way. Any other way.” 

“We can’t change what’s already happened, but I can try to help you talk it out if you want. If there’s any other way I can help, we can try that too.” Natasha looks away, Maria’s electric blue eyes being too much at the moment. 

“I haven’t… I haven’t been who I used to be for a long time, thanks to your helping me, but it’s all still new. Maybe we moved too fast? I’m still adjusting to all these new feelings. This guilt and shame that I feel now? I feel awful for what I did to you, but I feel worse for what I’ve done.” Glancing at Maria for a moment, she sees a confused look on her face. She sighs before continuing. She hopes it makes some kind of sense. 

“I’ve killed so many people. All sorts. Some who didn’t even deserve it, they just needed to be taken out in order for someone else to move forward. A power play rather than a war lord or arms dealer. Most of them have people too, people who will miss them. Spouses, children, relatives. I destroy more than just one person when I kill someone. Some have no one, they’ve chosen to be safe and not trust anyone. It doesn’t matter, not really, because despite who they have, I killed them all the same. 

But I’ve never felt anything about it. No remorse, nothing. Now that I am feeling things, a lot of things, but especially this guilt and shame, I wonder why I’ve never felt them before. I mean I started a hospital fire as part of a mission. There were children there and I didn’t even pause. That was back when I was very young, just starting out as a Black Widow for them. I don’t remember exactly how old, but young enough that I blended in with the other patients. The only reason I remember is because it was the first time I’d smelled people burn. I got out, got clear, before the fire got too out of control, but from where I watched, even that far back, there was no avoiding the smell. 

Then there was Sao Paolo… I’d rather not think about that at all. I’ve done so many things. Horrible things. You tracked me for three years, but all that time I wasn’t working for anyone but myself. Somethings I did to get your attention. Not yours specifically, but SHIELDs, you just happened to the one in charge tracking me. Being on my own, not following anyone’s orders, that didn’t stop me from doing horrendous things. 

Your files only go back so far, but I know there are… events that you’ve had suspicions about. That you don’t have enough to prove. I could verify them for you. Not now, maybe at some point, but really not now. Not until I have more of a handle on my emotions. I might not even be able to. They haven’t all been murders. Sometimes it was infiltration, theft, or coaxing out secrets. I’ve done so much of it, I can’t keep track of it all, I’ve never tried. 

I don’t know, when we spent time together, you and me, I didn’t think about it. I was discovering things that I’d never… that I didn’t even know I’d missed. I don’t think about it with Clint either, but he’s a different kind of fun, more fun and games, tricks and teasing. With Sharon and Victoria, well, that’s all mission related. I haven’t really met anyone else, not anyone else that I want to try and get close to even as a friend, no one that I feel like I can trust. And the deprogramming guys, well that’s just me trying to unlearn everything I’ve been taught. Forget my worst methods, the ones that are unnecessarily cruel. It doesn’t mean I’ll never use them in the future, who knows what a particular situation calls for, but it’s preferred that I didn’t. The less blood the better I guess, but it doesn’t change the fact that when Clint and I are sent in, it’s to kill someone or doing so to complete the objective is usually unavoidable. There are the psych doctors, but if I told them everything in my head, they’d put me in isolation somewhere or confine me to quarters. There’s just so much going through my head now. 

That’s not all I feel guilty about though. The biggest part, the part that hurts me the most, is that you offered me a chance to be someone new. Not SHIELD, you. It was a chance for me to be different, but… I don’t know that I was really trying. I mean, I was trying new things with you, but I wasn’t doing anything else all that different from before. I still push myself and train like before, I show practically no mercy to anyone but maybe three people when I spar. Clint, Sharon, and you. Anyone else, well, I figure they hate me or I don’t give them a chance anyway. I haven’t put the effort into this that I should.”

She’s been rambling for a while now. She’s shared more of her past than she’s really comfortable with, she hadn’t even shared all this with Clint. Maybe it was talking to him earlier that got her started on all this. Maria looks tired now. Not exactly sleepy, but getting there and trying to fight it, just like Clint said. Still, she can see Maria going over everything she’s said. 

“I can see what you’re saying, maybe not understand it all, but I get the gist. But even if you can’t see it, you have changed. For starters, your missions now help people and the world. Here, the people you kill, the soldiers and mercenaries that you encounter on missions, they are a threat, and not just to SHIELD. We send you and Clint because there aren’t many agents who can handle people that dangerous or that many at once, sometimes both. All agents are trained to be the best and those are the ones we keep. You and Clint? You are better than most of our best. Not me of course, I mean I’m getting there the more we train together, but even without it, I put up one hell of a fight. Clint, well, he has an interesting backstory too. He started out as a carnie. Along with archery and decent fighting skills, I think his other strength is an enormous amount of luck. I don’t know how else to explain how a carnie became one of SHIELD’s best operatives.” 

“Wait, a carnie? As in worked at a carnival?” If she had a phone nearby, she’d take a picture of the absolutely adorable look of confusion on Natasha’s face. She does her best to smirk again. 

“When it comes to what you can do, it’ll take time for the others to see it. You haven’t been given a chance to prove yourself or what you can do. As for what you’re allowed to do, you may not be comfortable with it, but when it comes to getting back home, I want to do whatever is necessary to get you home. I have a feeling that the restrictions are Phil’s idea because Fury and I have given no order. When you’re being attacked it’s stupid to have limits as to how you can defend yourself. 

I’m not sure how to explain this because I thought I had before, but maybe not as clear. You asked us to give you a clean slate, a new start. We’ve done our best to do that for you, but there are some things we can’t change. We can help you change what you fight for, who you define yourself as, help you achieve new successes and how you define it. That sort of thing. 

Unfortunately, just like what happened with us, we can’t change what’s already happened. With both, but especially with your past, we can’t do anything but move forward. We can’t change how it all impacts you now, or your emotions about it. I know some would recommend speaking with one of psych doctors, but I don’t think that’s wise. First of all, it would mean revealing more of your past than you may be comfortable with. Then there’s the fact that, although they’re supposed to be, they aren’t always impartial, and they’d have to share their findings with a few higher ups. That would be me, Director Fury, and Victoria, since she’s your handler. I trust the three of them with anything, but I can’t guarantee that it would stay private due to the various hands it goes through to get to us. Lastly, there’s-“ 

“The fact that most agents see me as a mentally unstable assassin anyway?” finishes Natasha. Maria does her best to wince. 

“I was going to try and say it better, but yeah. Um… I’m trying to think for a moment, but aside from Clint and me, I’m not sure who else you could talk to that would be wise. I mean you could talk to Sharon of course, but she’s rather… protective, and it likely to shoot anyone who tries to hold your past against you. I wouldn’t mind if it didn’t mean losing such large number of agents.” This brings a small grin to Natasha’s face, so she continues. 

“Victoria might be a good person to let know that you’re dealing with a lot, but I can’t see it effecting your ability to do your job. It hasn’t in the last two weeks. Most see Victoria as stiff and cold. She isn’t, not really, but she still might not be the best person to talk to. Clint, well, he’s probably available whenever you’re not on a mission, I have no idea what he does in his free time, but I can’t see it being anything he couldn’t put off. A marathon of rom coms can wait. As for me, if I’m not in a meeting, I’m in my office and will be glad for something else to do. When I get back to the carrier, it will be a bit more difficult, but I don’t see that happening any time soon. So, I’m available to talk too. 

With just us, I think you’re right, maybe we did move too fast. You’ve been dealing with a lot personally, and although we both wanted things to move on, it wasn’t fair to push you.” 

“You didn’t push me, I’m the one who asked you out. I consulted both Clint and Sharon before I asked you, but I guess didn’t consider the impact on me. I don’t know, I spent my life thinking I could do anything. If I didn’t know something, I trained or read up and it came to me quickly. I’ve been trained to do that with everything, but this is different. There’s more to figure out and books or instructions of some kind aren’t going to help. So, maybe I will talk to you some later, but it probably is a good idea for us to go back to just hanging out. I’ll drop in on you here to keep you company and keep you from going nuts, but I think I might take some time to myself too.” 

“Natasha, you don’t have to come. If time to yourself is what you need, then take it. I’ll have video games I can play, and Sharon will probably bring some things by too, so don’t worry.” 

“Why isn’t Sharon here already?”

“She’s on a mission, but she gets back tomorrow. She’s not going to be happy with me. About the same as I am with her whenever she gets injured, so don’t worry about it.” 

“No, I’ll drop by. I want to see what killing zombies is like.” Maria smiles and it’s a bit awkward, but it makes her feel better. 

“I’d give you a hug, but um, well, the cast makes it a little hard and my other arm isn’t great either.” Natasha’s just about to comment, when there’s a knock on the door and someone comes in without Maria’s okay. That alone bugs Natasha, but the person themselves just makes her angrier. 

“Maria- “ starts Phil Coulson, with a glare in Natasha’s direction. 

“No. I’m only allowed one visitor at a time and I already have one.” Coulson huffs. 

“For how long?” 

“For five minutes, ten, an hour, the foreseeable future. I don’t know, but even after she decides to leave, I’m not to overexert or stress myself. As you may have noticed, I happen to be injured. If you have any concerns that are urgent, take them up with Fury. I do not want to see you back here. You’re a stressor, to put it lightly. If I have to, I’ll make it an order and also let the medical staff know” states Maria with one of her fiercest glares. Even Natasha hadn’t seen that glare yet. Phil scurries out of the room and Maria relaxes again against the pillows. 

“You’re getting tired, I should go” says Natasha as she goes to get up, but then she rethinks it. “Do you want me to stay until you fall asleep? You did when I was in medical, or I could just to keep Coulson out.” Maria smiles. 

“Stay a while if you want, but I think I rest for a while. Oh, and tell Clint he can set up his system later. He’s probably waiting in chairs.” Whether Maria wanted to admit to being tired, she’s out in five minutes. Natasha waits a little longer before leaving. Coulson seems to be trying to figure out what to do at the end of the hallway, but she ignores him and his glare. She goes to tell Clint that he’ll have to wait. 


	13. Official Opinions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Agents should know their place. That is made clear to everyone.

Natasha visits Maria as often as she can. She and Clint are sent on quite a few missions while Maria is stuck in her room in medical. Unknown to them, Victoria Hand tries to limit the number of missions they’re sent on. It involves many arguments between Phil and Victoria. Mainly because Victoria suspects Phil is sending them out on purpose, to keep them away from Maria, and she’s right. She can only get rid of a few, Phil has managed to make all the missions important somehow. 

Then Clint gets hit. It’s in the shoulder and he’ll heal up fine, but it’s enough to get them pulled. It results in another argument between Phil and Victoria, but it’s Victoria’s voice that rattles the windows. Clint and Natasha had been pushing themselves hard to keep up with very little sleep. They’re good, but not so much after three and a half days. They’ve gone longer before, which is exactly what Phil argues, but that’s when they’ve been eating and getting at least some rest between missions on the jet. Instead they’re getting debriefed and then told the details of the next mission. Victoria pulls them the moment Clint comes back injured, finally having grounds to do so officially. 

Clint reports to medical voluntarily for his wound, which just takes a few stitches and a bandage, but it lets Natasha finally get more than twenty minutes in Maria’s room. The minute the door closes, Maria levels a glare at her. One of those glares that has Natasha backing up a few steps. 

“What’s going on? Specifically, what has Phil Coulson done? Sharon tells me that he’s been sending you guys out every other minute.” 

“Um… I think he’s making them all seem urgent so we have to go. Clint got hit on the last one, it wasn’t bad! But, it’s enough for Hand to get us off the schedule for a while” explains Natasha. Maria sighs. 

“Can you get me a soda? They’re only letting me have water and juice. I don’t need caffeine, anything will do.” Feeling like she’s been dismissed, Natasha leaves. As she does, she doesn’t see Maria reach for the phone. Natasha makes her way down the hallway deep in thought. Maybe she’s reading things wrong, but Maria almost seems mad at her. Clint’s taught her how to steal from the machine so getting a soda isn’t a problem. Making her way back down the hall, she tries to stay awake. She’s exhausted but hadn’t visited Maria in nearly two weeks. 

When she enters the room this time, Maria seems in better spirits. At least that’s until she sees Natasha again. She’s wondering if she made a mistake coming, and when Maria raises an eyebrow at her, that feeling only increases. 

“What?” 

“Weren’t you supposed to be bringing me a soda?” Natasha doesn’t follow until she swallows before responding. That’s when she realizes she’s drinking the soda she’d gotten for Maria. In her nervousness, she’d started drinking it. 

“Um… you want the rest?” Maria chuckles. 

“Don’t worry about it. Get one for me later. Right now, I need you to beat this part of the game for me. Your reflexes are faster than mine and I think that’s what keeping me from moving on. That and the fact that it’s… hard.” Natasha smirks and settles herself on the edge of the bed while Maria turns on the game. Unsurprisingly, Natasha is really good at the game, even though she’s never played it before. It’s also no surprise that after only a few tries, Natasha gets past the difficult part. 

It’s forty-five minutes later when Phil and Victoria burst into Maria’s room. It takes a lot to startle Natasha, but when the two agents storm in, Phil practically yelling, Natasha drops the controller. Maria catches it and sighs. 

“Forty-five minutes. I honestly expected you in twenty” says Maria. Victoria closes the door and leans against it. Phil’s face is past red. Natasha’s beginning to wonder if Hand would move if she tried to make her way out the door when Maria puts a hand on her shoulder. She hadn’t thought it possible for Coulson to get any madder, but he’s practically shaking and can’t speak yet. 

“You had me removed on grounds of exhaustion? How would you possibly know? You’re stuck here!” yells Phil when he finally finds his voice. Victoria sighs.

“You’re voice Phil. May I remind you we are in the medical wing? There are other patients here. Clint Barton for example” comments Hand from behind him. He rounds on her but Maria interjects before he can even start, her voice cold and hard. 

“I simply assumed that as hard as you were pushing Victoria and her agents, you must be quite tired yourself with all the research and intel you must have gathered for each mission. That would normally be Victoria’s job, but since you were the one to make these a priority, the job should fall to you. Am I wrong?” She continues without waiting for him to respond. “I can’t imagine why you think you have the authority to dictate orders to Victoria or her agents. As the Director of the Hub, Victoria has countless issues and missions of her own to review. More than enough to keep our two best agents busy. Your actions almost have me believing that you’d be petty enough to keep them so busy they couldn’t visit. But I can’t see you being that childish. I’ve asked Fury to give them some well-deserved time off, and he’s agreed that due to their work load, they’ve earned a month off, unless Victoria needs them.” 

Phil Coulson starts to argue, but doesn’t get far when Victoria clears her throat. He should consider himself lucky, Natasha was about to punch him. She hadn’t minded being so busy. Even when she knew Coulson was behind it, it kept her from worrying about Maria, and if they could really move on from things. She can’t help but wonder why Victoria hadn’t told Maria what was going on. Well, she’d likely been as busy as they were. Despite the number of missions, they had good intel and maps, everything needed to get things done and bring them back alive and that was because of her. 

Victoria moves from against the door and opens it and gives him a pointed look. Phil storms out just as he’d come in. 

“Anything else I’ve missed?” Victoria sighs. 

“As much as I hate to say it, some of the missions were actually important, but they didn’t have to be the ones to respond. Agent Romanoff, immediately after your visit here, I would recommend finally getting some decent sleep.” She nods at Maria before leaving. That just leaves an awkward silence and the sound of the music from the video game. 

“You look exhausted. Go get some sleep, I’ll do some paperwork before trying the game again.” 

“Paperwork?” Maria gives her a tired smile. 

“Work doesn’t stop just because I’m healing. There are still various things to be done and that I can do from here. More than just mission reports, despite what most think.” She’s still reluctant to leave even though she can hardly keep her eyes open. “I’ll still be here when you wake up. Go before you pass out in that chair, it doesn’t look very comfortable.” Natasha nods and Maria gives her a gentle smile before she leaves. 

* * *

It’s not more than ten minutes later before Clint drops in and Maria rolls her eyes. 

“I just sent Natasha to bed because she could hardly sit up. I doubt you’re any better.” 

“Yeah, but I gotta make sure you’re not causing any trouble down here. Not rabble rousing or causing riots, that sort of thing. It wouldn’t look good, with you being the Deputy Director” he replies with a smirk as he sits down. Maria chuckles. 

“How’s your wound?” 

“Ah, it went right through. Laura won’t be happy and it might leave a scar, but I’ve dealt with both before. How are you? How far have you gotten with killing zombies? I mean I gotta say, when it comes to paperwork or zombies, the zombies are a real threat.” Maria sighs. 

“You, like Natasha, seem to forget that I’m second in command of a clandestine organization. There are certain things we’d like to keep secret since we’re a secret. There’s also being kept in the loop on everything. Since you were able to sneak in here a few minutes ago, you couldn’t manage to visit me earlier? As much as I like yelling at people, especially Phil, I not really in any shape to. My ribs are still healing and I can’t give it my full effort. So, I need you two to stay out of trouble. I got you a month off, from Fury himself, so there’s nothing Phil can do about it. Go get some rest and stay out of trouble for a month. That’s all I want from you two. That and a visit sometimes. This game is harder than I thought and I may need some help saving the world.” 

“Well, that is our job, so I guess we’ll stop by” answers Clint as he gets up and heads to the door. 

“Oh, and Clint? Call Laura.” He nods. 

* * *

Sharon visits next, even though she’s tired. She can’t help but feel like the organization she’s dedicated her life to is fracturing in addition to turning against her. It had been had been worth it, and her opinion, it still was. Sharon can read her and knows where her thoughts are going. 

“Maria, you did the right thing and are keeping SHIELD’s promise to her. The promise you made, and you never give your word lightly.” 

“With how all of SHIELD is dealing with that decision, I wouldn’t be surprised if Fury's starting to question my judgement.” 

“Well, he hasn’t said anything and you have the support of the other Directors. Everyone who is important, everyone that matters, supports you. It’ll take more than Phil Coulson to change Director Fury’s mind.” Maria nods and tries to get comfortable in a very uncomfortable bed. “Need another pillow?”

“I need to be allowed back to quarters. The staff check on me every hour which makes it hard to sleep. They give me drugs to manage the pain, but that makes my head fuzzy and hard to get any work done. And this bed is more than uncomfortable after staying in it for two weeks” grumbles Maria and Sharon tries to hide her grin because all this griping means she’s getting better. 

“Well, even if I could smuggle you out, I think you’re better off here for a while longer. The work can wait a while, but you’ll still push yourself to get it done, so don’t worry about that. Victoria will take care of things until you’re back on your feet. Her glare is almost as good as yours. I’ll let you get some sleep.” 

* * *

Maria is tired of working. They’d put her work on a tablet to make it easier, but she preferred working with paper. She’s been working for three hours uninterrupted because her glare worked on the medical staff too. There’s a knock on her door, the staff doesn’t knock and she’s about to order whoever it is away when Director Fury comes in. She tries to sit up straighter but Fury waves his hand to have her relax. 

“We’ve got a lot done in the last two weeks.” Maria nods, not wanting to answer without knowing where this is going. “I have to say, although it’s all good work, not all of it seemed necessary, and the use of our two top operatives also didn’t seem warranted. This is the kind of decision normally left to you. Now, I do understand that you are still recovering, but this was all done over your head.” Maria doesn’t sigh, there’s no denying what been going on. That’s when another person enters the room. Fury had been bracing himself on his knees, but turns to look at Phil Coulson as he enters. Coulson hesitates, obviously not expecting him and Maria becomes even more confused. 

“Agent Coulson, kind of you to join us, despite your exhaustion. Now, as I understand it, you’ve been making decisions above your pay grade. Last I remember, Maria Hill is the one I chose to be my Deputy Director because she is the most capable and most qualified. I stand by this decision and will not be hearing about it or her decisions from anyone. I have to say, that as Director of SHIELD, this matter never should have been brought to my attention, yet I’ve had more than one agent mention it. 

Another agent I employ is Victoria Hand. I don’t question her abilities either, which brings us to another matter. The issue of our newest operative and her motives, that ends now. She has proven herself to be one of best operatives and that should be enough for everyone. I stand by my Second’s opinion and authorized her offer. 

As Director, this whole matter should never have been brought to my door. I have important shit to do! I can’t be bothering with every disagreement! I will not stand for my choices being questioned. That comes with my position. I have my hands full with an eccentric billionaire who cannot or will not stay out of trouble. He doesn’t want to follow my orders either, but he is a private citizen who has value to us, so I’m going to deal with him. Next time something like this winds up on my desk, one of you better be a private citizen, or I’ll make you one. Is that clear, Agent Coulson? Now I want this division among our people resolved, and since you seem to have a way with them, I’m assigning it you, Coulson. Do it fast. I had better not have to deal with that myself either.” With his speech done and his point made, Director Fury gets up to leave. “Get some rest Hill, you deserve it too.” 

Then he’s gone and Phil Coulson is left standing there with nothing to say. Maria’s trying to process what happened. Fury had given her his full support. When he’d shown up followed by Phil, she’d thought it was to replace her. Shaking her head clear, she turns her head to look at Coulson. 

“You have your orders, agent. Get out of my room.” Once he’s gone, Maria collapses against her pillows. She decides to rest for a while, before Fury comes back and tells her that it’s not his job to worry about her. Her last thought was how relieved she is to be done with the whole mess. 

* * *

It’s three days later before Clint and Natasha visit again. She’d nearly slept the whole time and suspects they did too. They both look better this time, but she’s still desperate to get out of this room. 

“Can I leave yet?” she asks before they have a chance to speak. Clint shrugs and Natasha looks away. 

“It’s not up to us, you know that” he answers. 

“Then I’m counting on the two of you to smuggle me out. One of you create a distraction, the other help me back to my quarters. I don’t care who and I don’t care if you set the medical wing on fire, just get me out.” Natasha smiles. 

“Sounds like you’ve thought this through” says the red head. 

“I have nothing to do here but think and sign my signature on a tablet full of paperwork.” With Natasha sitting on the edge of the bed, Clint takes a seat in the chair. 

“I heard Director Fury paid you a visit” says Clint casually. Natasha suddenly looks alarmed as she looks from Clint to Maria. Maria puts her hand on her shoulder, like she always does to get her to relax. 

“He told Coulson, in his usual eloquent manner, to shove it and fix this mess. He also called you two his best operatives. I’d hate to have to tell him that you can’t even manage getting me out of here. It may cause him to reconsider his opinion.” Natasha shares a look with Clint. 

“Well, we can’t have that, can we?” 

"Oh, and we're getting me a soda on the way." 


	14. Confined To Quarters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maria has to deal with things even when she's finally out of medical and still recovering. None of it is work related, which is a relief, but she can't avoid it either.

Maria thought being out of the medical wing would make her happier. Her quarters are bigger than most since she’s the Deputy Director, but all that really means is that there’s room for a desk and a chair in addition to her bed, and more room to fall. She’d had to stack her books along the sides of the room in order to keep from tripping all over them. She’d managed fine by scooting around on the floor to collect all the books on the floor but when it came to getting back up she’d had to call Sharon to help her. At least she hadn’t laughed. 

When she’d been placed in her room back in medical, the first thing she’d done was call Aunt Peggy. She’d figured that by letting her yell now, she’d get off easier than if she heard it from someone else, like Sharon. Aunt Peggy had yelled at her for getting hurt, just as she’d expected, but then went on to rail against Fury. 

“What kind of place is he running where he sends his Second some place without back up? I also thought I taught you better. I taught you that attacks can come from anywhere. The ceiling is unexpected, but most attacks are.” She’d interjected that she’d gotten a few shots off herself and that Fury had sent agents with her. They’d been hurt too. She tried to explain all this before she remembered that interrupting Aunt Peggy when she was lecturing or ranting (or doing a combination of both) was a very bad idea. 

Now that she’s back in her quarters, she gives Aunt Peggy a call to update her, knowing that if Aunt Peggy was the one to call her, she’d be in more trouble. Her body was healing, but slowly and it was driving her nuts. Her casts itched, her stitches were gone, and her cuts healed but it felt like they were still there, and her ribs had finally gotten to the point where she could breathe without something hurting or pulling. She tells all this to Aunt Peggy, who despite haven’t seen her injuries, assures her that she’ll be fine. 

“So, tell me how your friend is doing. The one that everyone else hates” asks Aunt Peggy. Maria rolls her eyes and settles deeper into her bed after putting a pillow under her leg. 

“Not everyone hates her. Clint and Sharon don’t and neither does Victoria.” 

“Wonderful. Sharon tends to follow your lead, you know that. Barton is a talented carnie, but half crazy. Victoria has a good head on her shoulders, so I wonder what’s going on with her.” Maria smiles and holds back a laugh. 

“Tell me Aunt Peggy, do you do checks on all agents or just the ones you know are my friends?” 

“I have to be sure you’re associating with the right people. Any people really. You stay in your office far too long-“ 

“So did you from what I hear.” 

“And now, well-.“ 

“Now, I’m injured. I know. I’m going to go ahead and assume you’ve done an inquiry into Natasha too?” 

“This isn’t the first time I’ve heard of Red Room, I came across it when I was an agent. Dottie Underwood was one of their agents. She was lethal, as I suspect your friend Natasha is too. But, you must have seen something in her, having researched and followed her for so many years. Whatever you saw, your instincts were right, all I hear are good things. She’s also gained Sharon’s approval, and with the high standards the two of you hold yourselves to, that’s very impressive.” Maria sighs. 

“What’s wrong darling?” 

“Well, Fury hasn’t asked since he trusts me, but others including Natasha have asked me what I saw in her. Why did I give her a chance? I honestly don’t really know. It was mostly a feeling. She just seemed… exhausted. I think she was ready to let Clint kill her. With everything we’ve heard or know about Red Room, that’s not how one of their assassins typically react to death. I have a feeling they aren’t afraid, but have been trained to go down fighting. He would have only been able to kill her if she let him, otherwise Clint would be dead and she would have walked away. But I wasn’t basing my decision on her skill set and what adding her SHIELD would mean for her or me. It wasn’t an emotional decision, you’ve taught me better than that, but I wasn’t making it based on logic either. I’m not sure what that means.” 

“It means you take everything into consideration. Your choice wasn’t made due to pity, it was based on the facts. You can show compassion and understanding without it being pity.” 

“So many doubted my decision I began to doubt myself. Natasha is still dealing with her emotions, and with all this doubt, I wonder if I’m the right person to help her.” 

“What does Director Fury think?” 

“He agrees with me. He calls her one of our best operatives and she is. She’s done everything we’ve asked of her without question.” 

“Well, his as well as yours are the only opinions that matter. Remember that, especially since she hasn’t given her any reason to doubt her. Get some rest Maria, but don’t forget to call when you can. I know you can’t visit often, but Angie and I do miss hearing from you. I love you.” 

“I love you too Aunt Peggy.” 

* * *

She’s just hung up when there’s a knock at her door. She was finally in a position where she was comfortable and didn’t want to move. 

“Either let yourself in or go away!” she shouts towards the door. Knowing it’s a biometric lock, she wishes whoever it is luck. She settles deeper into her pillows, planning on resting for a while. That’s when the door opens, and both Natasha and Sharon come in. Maria sighs half-heartedly, not really all that upset at seeing them. Natasha pulls the office chair out from the desk and takes a seat on it backwards. Sharon on the other hand, makes herself comfortable on the bed beside Maria. 

“So, when are you going to let us sign your casts?” asks Sharon. Maria immediately pulls the covers up over her leg and then covers the cast on her arm. Natasha grins, knowing that Maria just isn’t that kind of person, and Sharon knows that too. 

“Never. If you come at me with a marker, I’m shoving you off this bed and demoting you” answers Maria with a glare. Sharon rolls her eyes and scoots even closer. 

“Please, you can’t even roll over, much less push me without hurting yourself more. Plus, what would Aunt Peggy say if you throw your weight around like that?” 

“I don’t know, why don’t I call her back and see?” That has Sharon sitting up. 

“You talked to Aunt Peggy?” 

“Just hung up with her. She’d like me to call more often, Aunt Angie wants to talk to me too.” Natasha looks back and forth between them. Clint had told her that Maria and Sharon were practically sisters. She hadn’t seen it then, but the way the two were with each other right now, she believed it. She had no idea who Aunt Angie or Aunt Peggy are though. She may have peeked at Maria’s file, and it listed no other relatives other than her father. Maybe she’d have a peek at Sharon’s file too. When she thought about it, she knew very little about Maria’s past while she knew at least some of her own. She turns her attention back to the two of them when their voices get steadily louder. She has no idea what they’re arguing about, but if it’s based on volume, Maria’s winning but only slightly. Sharon looks up at her and notices her watching them. 

“Hey! Let’s let Natasha be the judge!” Maria’s eyes cut to her in a firm frown that has Natasha wondering if she’s intruding. 

“How would she know? She hasn’t been out in the field with me!” 

“I’ll admit, that does give me an advantage. Natasha who do you think is a better shot?” asks Sharon. Maria rolls her eyes and falls back against her pillows. Based on what she’s seen in Maria’s file and seen Sharon do in the field, it’s practically a tie. Natasha shrugs. 

“I’m betting you’re both good shots” she answers diplomatically. Sharon squints at her from over Maria’s shoulder. 

“I can’t tell, are you saying that based on what you’ve seen in Maria’s file or if you think you’re a better shot than us?” asks Sharon suspiciously. Not wanting to answer either of those questions, she makes her face go blank and stares at the ceiling. Maria tilts her head towards Natasha and sees how far she’s going to avoid eye contact. 

“Great, it’s both” says Maria. “Did you look at Sharon’s file too?” Natasha looks back down at them with a tiny grin. 

“Not yet” she answers. Maria rolls her eyes again, but Sharon smiles. 

“Good luck. Even if you get to it, there’s all the redactions to get through.” Natasha raises an eyebrow in confusion, but Sharon doesn’t elaborate. Instead, she looks down at Maria again. “So, are we interrupting something?” Maria sighs and closes her eyes. 

“I was in the middle of trying to rest. That’s what I’m supposed to be doing now. Anyway, you know what talking to Aunt Peggy is like. When she gets going it’s hard to make her stop.” Maria had looked relaxed when she and Sharon barged in, so she gets up to leave, but only stops when Sharon gestures for her to sit back down. 

“Please, you know that us visiting is the highlight of your week and your day. Now, what have you been up to besides trying to get comfortable and never quite managing it” asks Sharon, lying down more comfortably next to Maria. Natasha shoves down the jealous feeling that suddenly surges through her. She mentally shakes her head. She reminds herself that Maria and Sharon are like sisters, which makes Sharon no threat whatsoever. 

“I can’t hold a book very well and still manage to turn the pages, so I tried to find my kindle, only to remember that I smashed it when I was angry. I could listen to an audio book, but I’ve been through all my good ones and the others are long and tedious.” 

“See, before you called them informative. That’s why they were supposed to be so good” interjects Sharon. Maria glares at her before continuing. 

“I’ve tried a few movies and watched the good ones again but tend to fall asleep through them. I gave Clint back his gaming system. Even though I enjoyed it for a while, the last thing I need is Clint getting bored and pulling you into his schemes” replies Maria with a pointed look towards Natasha. 

“You know, this is one of the reasons you’re boring. Anyone else would find something as mundane as dealing with Barton a luxury compared to setting up a new outpost in the field or something.” She can’t see Sharon’s face, but can tell she’s smiling. Maria uses her one good arm to reach over and hit Sharon. 

“That’s what I was doing when all of this happened, remember?” Natasha winces and has a pretty good feeling that Sharon did too. 

“Yeah, sorry. I forgot. So what else do you have planned?” Maria turns her head a little to squint at her. 

“I don’t know! Try painting with Bob Ross tutorials? Name something fun you can do with one hand and alone” grumbles Maria. Both Natasha and Sharon take a minute and try to think, but come up with nothing. “Yeah, that’s what I came up with too. I can’t even shower without almost falling over” she continues. Sharon props herself up on her elbow. 

“But you are, aren’t you? You haven’t called either of us to help you out and you know you could. It would probably less of a hassle for Natasha since she’s the one who got us in here…” Maria and Natasha make eye contact for a second before they both look away. Sharon notices, and doesn’t say anything, but gives Maria a little poke to let her know she’ll be asking about it later. Instead, Sharon continues as if she hadn’t seen anything. “All we need is you falling in the shower, getting a concussion, and blocking the drain. Fury will ask us to look for you and we’ll come in to find two inches of water rushing out of your quarters and you naked and unconscious in the shower. After turning the water off, we’ll have to somehow get you dressed and down to medical. Having dragged you out of various situations, I’ll have you know that you’re heavier than you look.” Maria elbows Sharon in the side with her good arm, but it doesn’t hurt much. 

“Then it should be easier now that there’s two of you, so I don’t know what you’re worried about” grumbles Maria. Natasha would smile, but she’s wondering what Sharon’s had to drag Maria out of. Maria sighs and turns her head to get a better look at Sharon. “Don’t you have a mission to go on or something?” she asks. 

“Nope! Not until the day after tomorrow. Natasha still has three weeks off” answers Sharon. 

“Natasha can stay, but you either quit bugging me or go away.” 

“Not until you have something planned to do while I’m gone. I don’t care who it’s with, but you can’t just lie here until your medical leave is over.” Maria shifts and gives Natasha a pleading look. She has an idea, but she’s not sure it’s a good one. 

“I could come and read to you. I can’t pick the book by myself though. I was thinking Sharon could go over what we’ve read already and then choose one for us. Is that… would that work? We don’t have to if you don’t want--.” Maria cuts her off by putting her hand up, thankfully ending her rambling. She has no idea what else she was going to say but she would have gone on until somebody stopped her. 

“That sounds like a great idea” says Maria with one of her special smiles. It’s gone when she turns and looks at Sharon and raises an eyebrow. Sharon rolls her eyes and gets up. She walks over to the piles of stacked books and reads the titles. It takes a few minutes to go through them all, and as she does it, Natasha feels her anxiety grow. Maybe this wasn’t such a great idea. 

They’re back to being just friends again, but she still gets nervous being alone with Maria. People who are just friends don’t imagine kissing the other, don’t want to run their hands through the other’s hair, don’t get lost in the other’s eyes. She has trouble pushing those thoughts away when it’s just the two of them, but knows better than to act on them. It might be the kind of thing that drove Maria away, but even knowing this, it was still hard to shove the thoughts away. 

Despite all of this going around in her head, she still visited Maria every day, sometimes more than once. Most of the time they’re alone, but they find something to do, even if it’s just talking or keeping each other company. She’s been looking at her feet, but Sharon’s voice jars her from her thoughts. Maria’s watching her with a slight look of concern, but they both turn to look at Sharon. 

Sharon pretends she didn’t see anything, but she’s not an idiot. She’d known something had happened between the two when Maria went back to long hours in her office and Natasha was nowhere to be found. With all the time they’d been spending with each other, even with a sudden influx of work or missions they would have still found time for a meal together, even if it was from a vending machine. She’d interrogate Maria about it later though, when they were alone. The awkwardness that Natasha was showing at the moment was endearing and probably a side of the Black Widow that not many saw. She knew she was only getting to see it because of Maria, but she still felt honored to witness it. 

The Black Widow. Fearsome KGB assassin and spy. To everybody but Clint, Maria, and her apparently. Maybe Victoria saw it, but as her handler she probably only got glimpses. She didn’t know what she expected from either of them anymore. She doesn’t know how any of this even started. Maria’s glare was usually enough to scare everyone but Director Fury away. It was actually impressive how powerful his glare could be, despite having only one eye. Natasha, well, the Black Widow’s reputation was well known so, Sharon figures you’re only friends with her if she wants you to be. Still, she wonders who approached who. She doubts it was Maria, which means it had to be the Russian, but she still can’t picture it happening. None of it matter though, because now they’re friends, and it seemed to be good for the both of them. Getting up from looking at the books, she turns to look at the two women. 

“You guys certainly have an eclectic taste in books. Give me a day, I’ll find something. I may not be able to get two copies though. That isn’t an issue though since Natasha will be reading it to you. I’ll go hunt something down now. There has to be someone on this Carrier with something besides a SHIELD handbook, something interesting.” Before either of them can react or even think of something to say, the door shuts behind Sharon. 

* * *

Natasha turns to looks at Maria, who is sighing again and shifting slightly to get comfortable. 

“Can I help you with anything? Another pillow? Maybe something to eat or drink?” she asks. She’s starting to ramble again, but stops when Maria raises an eyebrow at her. 

“Sharon has been bringing me meals, but once she’s on her mission, if you could do it, that would be great. If I had a rookie do it it’d probably arrive cold and be stuff I’d never eat anyway. You have a better idea of what I like from all our lunches together. Just out of curiosity, do you know where to get another pillow? Because I know this place pretty well, being the Deputy Director and everything, but I have no idea.” Natasha smirks. 

“I don’t either, but I’m sure I could find some.” Maria chuckles before answering. 

“I’m fine on pillows. I’m not even sure what I want. Fury said I could go home and I think he’s hoping I’ll take more time off to do that. Going home would mean staying with Aunt Angie and Aunt Peggy since he said that I can’t stay alone. I could defy orders and stay at my own apartment, but there isn’t much in it and I’d have to have groceries delivered. I wouldn’t be able to get up to answer the door or unpack them though. So, my best bet for getting better and not falling in the shower like Sharon so elegantly described, is to stay here. 

As for what I want to do, it’s more than just lay here and sleep, but until I start PT I’m not able to do much. Are you sure you want to spend your down time reading to me? Whatever book Sharon finds, I could download the audio book.” Before Natasha can even wonder if Maria’s pushing her away, Maria reassures her that she isn’t. “I like that you visit me, it is the highlight of my day, just don’t tell Sharon that. We could listen to the book together, but I don’t want to be the only thing you do with your time off. We done of things together to find out what you enjoy. You could do some of those if you wanted. If not, you could hang out with Clint, or make friends with a few others. Bobbi Morse is still recovering and I’m sure she would like some company. Her leg got broken in six places so she’ll be stuck for about six months—.” 

Natasha tilts her head. Maria isn’t the kind of person to ramble. She’s not pushing her away, she just giving her options. The Deputy Director assumes she has better things to do with her time, but she doesn’t. She loves Clint like a sibling, but even siblings get tired of each other. She’s met Bobbi Morse a handful of times and doesn’t doubt that they could be friends, but there’s only one person out on medical leave that she wants to visit. She almost offered to stay with Maria at her apartment. That was possibly the worst idea since she’s having more than friend urges just in Maria’s quarters. It would only get worse if she was surrounded by Maria’s scent and things that were a part of her. Things she’d collected, her favorite books, photographs with people in them that are different from the empty ones they sometimes take during missions. Everything in the apartment would have some meaning to Maria, and that was more than she can handle with the way she’s feeling. All of this goes through her head fast, so Maria isn’t waiting more than a few seconds for her reply. 

“I like visiting you. I wouldn’t mind reading to you, but if it’s easier to listen to it, I’d like to do that with you. I miss our spending time together… reading the same book.” She’d almost slipped up just then. She’d covered it quickly though, so she hopes Maria missed it. “If Sharon doesn’t find something, doesn’t your audio book app recommend other books?” Maria smiles at her before shaking her head. 

“The books they recommend are crap. Either I already have them or they aren’t worth the money. I would love it if you really want to do this together. I’m… not exactly lonely, but I’m used to having people around me. At my screens, they’re just white noise and moving around me. You, Clint, and Sharon are different, I like spending time with you. It doesn’t feel like time wasted, I enjoy myself and there are few people I can just be me with. You are one of those people. I miss our private book group too. You’ve been around a lot, but somehow, I still miss you. Not while you’re here of course, but when you’re not.” Maria blinks a few times like she’s confused, as if she realizes she’s sharing to much but doesn’t know how to stop. Natasha can’t help but wonder if Maria had taken her pain meds before they came. She’d seemed fine while Sharon was here, but now she just looked out of it. 

“Maria? You okay over there?” she asks, getting up to check on her. Then she pauses. Blood loss, broken limbs, gunshot and knife wounds, those she can handle, she knows what to do. Maria has already been seen for all her injuries and should just be in the long process of healing now, the only thing that could possibly change is when Maria took her meds. If she remembers correctly, she thinks Sharon has medical training, at least more than her. She pulls her phone from her back pocket and dials Sharon. It’s one of the few numbers she has on speed dial, but just for emergencies. She waits as it rings, but stays close Maria in case there’s something she can do. 

“Sharon? Maria gave me your number a while ago. Look, don’t worry about that right now. There’s something wrong with Maria. I don’t know, she just suddenly seems really out of it. Not loopy, just, kind of oversharing? Yeah, that’s what I thought, it’s not like her at all. I’ll wait here for you.” They hang up and Natasha turns back towards Maria. Maria’s looking at her like she expects her to say something. “Maria? How are you feeling?” she asks gently. Looking over at the bedside table she sees a pill bottle and a bottle of water. She rolls her eyes at the bedside table. It’s constructed out of the same material as the rest of the Carrier, industrial steel. The kind where if you tripped and fell, hitting the corner on the way down, it would kill you. The Carrier is steady most of the time, but there’s always a bit of shaking when it goes back to being seaborn. Or it could happen if you had a cast on your leg which makes it hard to move, and another cast on your arm that keeps you from being able to fully stabilize yourself. She’d feel better if someone was staying with Maria. Not her though. 

Maria’s blinking at her a bit slowly, almost like she’s drunk or something. There’s a knock at the door that has Natasha spinning around and moving towards the door. The minute Sharon enters, she’s by Maria’s side in an instant. Natasha watches as Sharon checks her over carefully. She’ll definitely be taking a look at Sharon’s file later, if only to find out how far her medical expertise goes. There are other questions she has, but right now, that’s most important. Part of her realizes that having grown up with Maria, Sharon is probably the person who knows what to look for, any allergies Maria might have, that sort of thing. 

“Maria? When did you last take your meds? How long before we got here?” Sharon doesn’t wait long for an answer. That’s when Natasha remembers the bottle of meds and points them out. Sharon picks up the bottle and looks at it for a second before throwing it across the room. Natasha can’t do anything but watch as Sharon pulls out her phone and dials someone. In most situations Natasha knows what to do, but right now she has no idea and that makes her feel helpless. That’s not a feeling she’s comfortable with. Someone picks up and then Sharon’s barking orders. 

“I need medical at Deputy Director Maria Hill’s quarters. Right now! Someone changed her regular meds to ones she’s allergic to. Yes, she’s having a negative reaction! Fine, we’ll wait here and open the door.” Hanging up, she turns slightly to tell Natasha what’s going on. “This was a refill of her meds and someone gave her a different type without telling her. I’m pretty sure this was her first dose, so she should be okay once medical takes care of her. She’ll have to spend a day or two there though, and that will just add to her temper. Thank you for calling me.” Natasha nods, but isn’t sure what to do now. Does she leave? Was Sharon referring to the two of them when she told the person on the phone that they’d wait here or was she talking about her and Maria? There’s another knock at the door, and she’s saved from having to figure it out by opening the door. 

Everything happens fast after that. Maria is put on a stretcher and then whisked away and Sharon rushes after them. She’s still standing there, unsure of what to do, when Sharon pops her head around the still open doorway. “C’mon!” she calls and then Natasha is going too. 


	15. In Medical Again and What to Do Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maria hates medical. She really does. She and Sharon have a conversation Natasha wants to keep spending time with her. Sharon has a brief talk with Natasha and Clint has yet another conversation with Natasha.

This isn’t fair. She’d done three weeks in medical and then a month off. Fury had come down to tell her that her time off started again once she was cleared again. She’s stuck here for two more days under observation. So, she’s been sitting here, back in the same room in medical as before, sulking. It’s not something she’d let anybody see, but the staff knows better than to come in without knocking. They’d found that out the hard way last time when she threw something at their head. 

Also, who makes a stupid screw up like changing her meds to something she has a bad reaction to? Even if Fury hadn’t ordered Coulson to fix things, nobody would be stupid enough to do that kind of thing intentionally, she also isn’t that paranoid. She’s wondering if Natasha knows that. If she was out there searching for a culprit that doesn’t exist, it might be enough to put her in isolation for a while. Hopefully Sharon talked her out of doing something like that. Back to her meds, she hopes she didn’t do or say anything stupid. Well, doing anything is out of the question since she could hardly move. That just leaves saying something stupid. She’d knock her head backwards against the bed frame in frustration, if it didn’t mean making her head hurt more than it already does. She has no memory of what she might have said or even being transported to medical. 

There’s a knock at her door and she stupidly asks who is it. If it was Director Fury, he’d knock, but wouldn’t announce himself. Thankfully, it’s Sharon who responds and comes in. 

“I’ve kept myself from kicking anyone of the Carrier, but the issue with your meds has been resolved by Victoria, which means it’s unpleasant but not deadly.” Maria nods. She knows Sharon always looks after her, even if she’s a year older than her. 

“How are you feeling?” 

“Stupid. It’s not like me to not check the label. I’m usually so careful.” Maria glares at the covers on her bed. 

“You do remember that you’re still healing from some severe injuries, right? Ones bad enough that you have to take pain meds, and we both know how you hate meds of any kind. They had to pump your stomach. Natasha’s been waiting, but I finally got her to go get some sleep. I had to call Clint to get her there, but she’s been in her quarters for a few hours at least.” Maria nods. The drugs are out of her system now, but her head still feels a bit off. Sharon seems to sense this and nudges at Maria’s legs. 

Once Maria’s scooted over, she settles on the bed next to her, like they used to when they were young and thought about things. Things like whether Maria should go back home and take care of her dad before he drank himself to death. She and Sharon would go over all the possible outcomes, see if it was worth it, if anything would change. Whether Maria should join the military or stay with their aunts, where she felt safe for the time. Whether Maria should give up on her training with Aunt Peggy because even though it was wasn’t exactly hard, it was grueling and sometimes pushed her past her limits. Sharon never voiced her personal opinions, just helped Maria work out the pros and cons and possibilities. That’s what she plans to do now, because whatever happened between Maria and Natasha, it was still making things tense between them. She hadn’t gotten to see Maria and Natasha interact outside of work, but she had seen them in the mess hall. Agents knew to steer clear of Maria when she was in the mess and most were afraid of Natasha, so they were left alone. She’d seen Maria smile more than once while they ate, and while she found it cute, it just scared the other agents, which wasn’t a bad thing. 

“So, you going to tell me what happened between you two?” she asks gently. Maria looks away, but sitting as close as they are, she can’t really avoid her. So, Sharon waits her out. 

“We moved too fast, and I should have known that before we went on a date. I was… excited? Not just because it was a date, but because she was having a new experience that she wanted. I did what we talked about and waited for her to ask me, but I didn’t consider whether she was really ready for it. It was too fast and well, I’ve already gone over all this with Clint and I don’t want to get into it all again. But, we’re taking a step back and moving slower this time.” 

“I’m not stupid. If she’d hurt you, you would have distanced yourself. Instead, you went looking for her. You both reverted to your old habits, and locked yourselves away. I wasn’t… worried exactly, just concerned? I don’t know, it was the most real I’ve seen you in years. It wasn’t a mask or your professional demeanor, it was just you. I’ve missed seeing that.” Maria looks down at her lap but there’s a sad smile on her face. 

“We’re trying to start over, but I guess it’s harder than we both thought. I’m afraid of pushing her into anything or moving too fast, so I’m letting her suggest things. I’ve been injured before, but she was worried that the attack, the explosion, was her fault. She was worried that Red Room was connected was trying to get rid of me as some sort of message to her. Getting rid of people she cares about. I have a feeling she thought Clint was next. In case you’re wondering, it was an AIM attack, and I’ve been monitoring chatter for anything remotely related to Red Room. There hasn’t been anything. 

She was scared for the first time in years and didn’t handle it well. That’s what it all comes down to. We talked and she’s feeling a lot of things for the first time. Mainly guilt for all the things she’s done, and it was probably triggered by what happened on the mission. Somehow, the mark knew about her. He told her that Red Room would never let her go. I told her something trying to reassure her, but she knew I couldn’t guarantee it, even if I did everything I could. 

There’s a lot going on in her head right now, and while I enjoy seeing her, enjoy her visits, I don’t want her to feel like she has to come if she’s uncomfortable. I don’t know what to do to make her feel okay, to feel safe again, and to feel sure of herself. When it comes to missions, she’d fine, but when it comes to being a person, it’s new territory.” 

Sharon nods. Maria doesn’t let many people close, but Natasha was one of the few and when it comes to that handful of people, Maria’s very protective. Maria also gave the other woman her word, and that’s something she takes very seriously. When it came to emotions, it was sort of new territory for Maria too. Sharon could read her because they’d grown up together, but there were only a few others could. Director Fury needed her abilities, and Victoria, well, Victoria was a friend but she might be just as closed off as Maria. That’s probably why they get along so well. 

“At least you two are back to trying. This is new for the both of you, but at least you didn’t abandon it altogether. I’m not trying to pressure you or anything, but if you two could hurry it up? I can feel the awkward in the room.” Maria smiles and gives Sharon a shove. 

“Yeah well, you play a role in that too. If you remember, you were going to find us a book.” Sharon gives her a confident smile. 

“Oh, I am. I still have a day. I’ll find you guys something. But, when it comes to the two of you, I don’t know, it feels like she’s kind of nervous to be alone in a room with you.” Maria sighs. 

“I don’t know what to do about that. The whole book thing was her idea so we’ll see.” Sharon looks over at Maria and sees that she’s looking tired. 

“I’m going to let you let you sleep. Should I give the book to you or to her?” Maria’s about to respond, but Sharon cuts her off. “I’ll give it to her. Don’t worry, I’m not going to threaten her or anything. Actually, I’ve never had to threaten anyone, you’ve always taken care of that yourself. My job is more like holding you back when a person has really pissed you off. Like when we play street hockey. I thought you were going to kill that guy with your hockey stick.” Maria grins at the memory. For the record, she wasn’t going to kill the guy with her hockey stick, she planned on shoving the ball down the guy’s throat. 

Sharon’s getting up, and as much as she hates it, Maria’s actually feeling tired. 

* * *

The next day, Maria is trying to find something to watch on the tv in her room, but it’s proving to be difficult. Reality tv shows reminded her that people were stupid, actions movies were loud and all she did was roll her eyes at the inaccuracies, and comedies were intolerable because the music between things was always louder than the actual dialogue. She’d turn it off, but then she’d be left in silence. The silence had been driving her insane to the point where she’d been spending her time listening to the med staff’s footsteps as they went by. 

When there’s a knock on her door, she’s eager for any visitor, unless it’s one of the staff to take blood again. After asking who it is, Natasha peeks around the door. Maria lets out a relieved sigh and beckons Natasha in. 

“Thank god, I’ve been losing my mind” says Maria as motions for Natasha to sit. Natasha tries to hide her slightly nervous smile as she sits down. She hands Maria a book and sort of fidgets in her seat as she lets Maria look it over. It wouldn’t be noticeable to most, but aside from Clint, she probably knows Natasha best. Maria looks at the cover of the book. Mythos by Stephen Fry. It sounded like it could fun. A mixture of funny and history. 

“Sharon gave it to me. I think she fought someone for it. Anyway, I could search for something else if you don’t--.” 

“Looks good. Can you get me out of here?” Natasha smiles but shakes her head. 

“No, we got yelled last time for doing that.” 

“By who?” 

“I’m not allowed to say. It was one of the conditions that kept us from getting in even more trouble.” Maria squints at her, trying to think who might have that kind of power of Clint and Natasha. If it was Director Fury, the two of them would have been confined to quarters. She can see them sneaking out if it was anyone else, but Director Fury would kick them over the side of the Carrier if he knew they’d disobeyed orders. Sharon knew how badly she wanted to get out of there, so it wasn’t her either. Which just left Victoria. Maria sighs. 

“Victoria knows I out rank her.” 

“Yeah, but she out ranks us.” Maria rolls her eyes. “So, what did they do and how long do you have to stay?” A scowl appears on Maria’s face, and Natasha regrets asking. 

“They pumped my stomach and that’s fine, but I don’t see why I have to stay here for two days. It’s not like they can do anything else. I also don’t even want to think about who Director Fury assigned in the interim.” 

“I don’t remember, but it isn’t Coulson.” Maria lets out a sigh of relief. Coulson probably wasn’t happy, but she found comfort in the fact that he wasn’t undoing everything she’d set in place. She thinks of the long game, and Coulson sort of does, just not far enough. 

Natasha doesn’t squirm, that just doesn’t happen, so what she’s doing now can be best described as shifting. She absolutely does not squirm. Maria notices her shifting, and smirks. 

“So, what have you and Clint been up to?” She immediately regrets asking due to the wicked grin that spreads on Natasha’s face. 

“Wiping the mats with any new rookie that wants to try against us. We were just sparring with each other at first and then people started watching. We gathered a bit of a crowd. Bobbi Morse is still in recovery and Sharon is getting ready for her mission, and Lance Hunter is an idiot, but he knows he doesn’t stand a chance against either of us. That just leaves the rookies. It was fun until Coulson came and yelled at everybody. Now, I don’t like him either, but everyone that tried, well, they aren’t broken but… heavily bruised.” Maria raises an eyebrow. 

“So, before you came to visit me, were you washing blood off your hands or are they just swollen?” Natasha looks embarrassed, but gives her a small smile anyway. 

“Just a little swollen. But let’s not focus on that now! Let’s focus on the book I don’t know about by the author I’ve never heard of. Or something else, something where I don’t get in trouble.” Natasha gives her a grin and it makes Maria hopeful. Maybe they’re getting back to where they used to be. But then Maria frowns. One of those frowns that is kind of a pout, so she’s not sure how to read it. It’s the same look she gets when, despite all her efforts, the rookies continue to suck. 

“I give anything to be able spar right now” grumbles Maria. As much as she’d like to stay, she has to get going, there are various training things she has to go do that don’t involve beating other people senseless. Maria looks tired again anyway. 

“I have to go, more training and stuff, but you just rest.” Maria gives her the darkest look she’s seen yet. Apparently, telling her to rest was the wrong move. Maria nods and Natasha leaves quickly without trying to seem eager. 

She’s half way back to her quarters when she bumps into Sharon. Bumps is the wrong word. If she’s being accurate, Sharon grabs her by her front and shoves her against the side of the Helicarrier corridor. 

“Maria is your responsibility until I get back, okay? She trusts you. She trusts Victoria too, but she’s got her hands full. So, I need you to make sure she does things like keeping her strength up by eating and sleeping, and eventually doing her PT. There’s not much she can do from her quarters or her bed, but you have to make sure she doesn’t over stress herself. She’ll want to get work done, but Director Fury’s orders give her a break from that too. If she has to, only half days. After the last time, make sure her meds are right and that she’s really taking them. Maria hates to take aspirin, much less pain pills. Just… look after her, okay? I’m counting on you” says Sharon. 

It must be Sharon’s sisterly side coming out again, but Natasha hadn’t expected her to trust her with taking care of Maria. For one thing, Maria was one of the most capable people she knew. Also, even though they’d had a few missions together, she hadn’t expected Sharon to trust her. Realizing that Sharon is waiting on her to do something, she nods. 

“How long are you going to be gone for?” she has a feeling she can handle what’s being asked of her, but with how awkward things are between them, she hopes it won’t be all on her for long. 

“I don’t know, at the moment there’s something that needs to be done, but there’s no set time table yet.” Natasha nods. 

“I’ll look after her. I promise” says Natasha firmly. Sharon nods and finally lets her go. Sharon’s phone beeps and she takes a quick look at it before giving Natasha one last smile and taking off. Natasha stands there for a moment before regaining her bearings, and heading off to meet Clint. 

* * *

There isn’t any time to consult Director Hand, but it looks like she and Clint are doing something for Agent Coulson again, which is suspicious since they still have about three weeks off. She shares a look with Clint, who gives his usual unhelpful shrug. 

“What are we doing here Coulson? Director Fury himself gave us a month off and it’s not over yet. Besides, only Director Hand can pull us back in if there’s an emergency. So, what exactly is it that you want?” says Clint. Natasha remains silent, but glares at Coulson. Her glare isn’t anything like Maria’s, this is her own style, so it’s intimidating in a different way. Coulson regards her carefully, like he expects her to go off, before answering. 

“Due to your prolonged time in the field, there are four psych appointments the two of you have to attend. I want them done by the end of the week. It’s mandated.” 

“I have various psych appointments as it is. Are these in addition to them?” asks Natasha, keeping her voice neutral. She doesn’t want to come across as defensive and have more piled on. 

“No, these are separate—” That’s as far as Phil gets before Clint starts to argue with him. She tunes it all out. For once, she’s not thinking about Maria. She knows it may be a while before things are comfortable between them again, but they’re working on it. When it comes to Coulson though, it sounds like he’s looking for a reason to have her put in isolation. At least Clint seems to have picked up on this too. Natasha lets out a long sigh as the two continue to argue. 

She hasn’t been exactly dishonest with the doctors, but she certainly hasn’t been telling them everything. She hasn’t told them about what happened between her and Maria. They’ve guessed something had happened, they weren’t as stupid as they looked. She’d told them a half truth, that her emotions were taking their toll, that she was experiencing new things for the first time. They hadn’t exactly been sympathetic. She didn’t tell them about the nightmares either, she didn’t even tell Clint. The one person she could tell was Maria, but she had a feeling she couldn’t handle much more. The last thing she needed was to cause Maria more trouble while she was recovering. 

“I’ll do it. I’ll go” says Natasha as she interrupts the two of them. Both turn towards her, having been inches away from trading blows. 

“Natasha, you don’t have to. You’ve been to everything that they’ve set up for you, this is just out of spite” says Clint with a glare at Coulson that is nowhere near as good as the ones she or Maria give. It still gets the point across though. Coulson shrugs, not denying anything. “Gotta get her anyway you can, right? Despite the fact that we did everything you wanted us to during your little power grab? I heard it was Director Fury himself who told you to stand down. Now, I’m not going to let him know, that’s just not me, but Director Hand keeps track of us and is bound to notice” says Clint. That might be true, but Director Hand has a lot to keep track of and hasn’t even had the time to visit Maria except for once or twice. Unless something important comes up, she won’t have time to worry about them, and Coulson knows that. Natasha puts a hand on Clint’s shoulder, hoping it’ll settle him down. Clint glances at her, still geared up for a fight, but then takes a step back. Coulson has the gall to nod as they head back to their quarters. 

* * *

Natasha shifts in her chair, wondering if they’re made to be uncomfortable on purpose. 

“Agent Romanoff, you have yet to answer my question. Do you think these additional visits are necessary? You were the one to request them, so are you doubting your abilities in some way?” Natasha allows herself to sigh in exasperation. It’s not something she normally does during these sessions because the doctors will read too much into it. Of course, Coulson would make it look like these were her idea to keep from leaving his fingerprints on anything. 

“I’m questioning some things, but not my allegiance to SHIELD or my commitment to my missions.” 

“Then what is it that you’re questioning?” 

“My emotions. It’s been a long time since I’ve experienced any and now they’re rather… overwhelming. They’re hitting me all at once” she answers again, with another half-truth. She is feeling overwhelmed, but over her emotions concerning Maria over anything else. The rest, her past, was a considerable weight to deal with too, but she was sure she could manage. At least with Clint and Maria’s help she could work through it. These doctors, they liked to hear that she was having a few problems, but nothing that they really had to deal with. There were only two options for them: either stamp her as fine or put her in isolation. Unfortunately, she had to be at least semi-honest with them since they knew all out bullshit when they heard it. 

“How have you been dealing with this? Has it been showing itself in other areas?”

“I may have gone a little hard on some of the rookies…” admits Natasha. Normally, that kind of thing would get a laugh or at least a smirk, but not from these doctors. 

“Do you think this spike in aggression would carry over and into your work?” Natasha shakes her head. 

“I’ve always been good at separating my personal emotions from my work. It won’t be a problem” affirms Natasha. Mentally, she’s been counting down the minutes until this session is over. There’s only so long they can play this little game without it getting to be extremely tedious. Vague questions with vague answers. She’s doing her best to read them, but they’re just about as good as she is when it comes to wearing masks. They type for a while longer on their tablet, and Natasha wonders if it will be this session or the next that will get her confined to some hidden room on the Carrier, just like Coulson wants. She’s let go with a nod and gesture towards the door. She gets out of there fast, using longer strides, but not visibly increasing her speed. 

* * *

She’s just gotten back to her quarters and is in the process of closing her door, when Clint shoves his foot in. With a sigh, she opens her door. He’ll have this conversation either inside or through her door, and she’d rather keep things private. 

“Why did you give in? There’s no way anybody with actual authority approved this. You shouldn’t have to put up with Coulson’s little fits” he says, still a bit worked up. Natasha just shrugs and it drives him as nuts as it does her when he does it. 

“Look, I’ve already got one out of the way. Coulson made sure he didn’t leave his fingerprints on it, the doctors think I asked for more sessions.” Clint rolls his eyes and curses in Russian, something she regrets teaching him. That’ll be another thing held against her. They’ll think something stupid, like she’s teaching him so they can communicate secretly. As if their own agents weren’t trained in languages. Arabic, French, Mandarin, Spanish, and Russian. Those were typically, the languages taught to SHIELD agents. There were more than a few that would be able to understand them, then there was the fact that all she’d taught him were creative curses. “I don’t want you mentioning it to Maria or Director Hand either. Maria’s supposed to be recovering, not getting added stress and Hand has more on her plate than most can handle.” Clint sighs and shakes his head. 

“This isn’t fair. None of it has been, but you put up with it anyway. You have to draw a line somewhere Natasha. You’re one of the best, otherwise you wouldn’t be paired up with me” he starts with one of his cheeky grins. “You’ve also proven your value more than once, and the only people you have to get approval of, you’ve already done. I mean, obviously I’m the only one that matters, and I like you. So there.” Natasha rolls her eyes. 

“Bringing attention to it, to myself, will only make things worse. For you too, you know. You have to go to all your own appointments too. The others might think you’re an idiot, but you’re not stupid. Being an idiot and being stupid are two different things, and I know the difference. You shouldn’t have to pay for slights against me. Even if you are a carnie.” Clint’s eyebrows go up and she knows it’ll be something he be asking about later, but he’s focused on other things. 

“Well, normally I’d suggest getting up to my usual antics, but that’s likely to get both of us into isolation. That’s one place I’ve never been before and I’m not eager to visit. So, what do you suggest?” Natasha shakes her head. 

“Nothing. That’s the safest play. Psych visits are the most Coulson can do to us without getting kicked off the side of the Carrier by Director Fury. Seeing an actual shrink wouldn’t be a bad idea, with all that we see. Having everything reported to the higher ups, kind of defeats the purpose of privacy and having any real help dealing with anything.” Clint’s giving her an odd look, making her realize that she’d said too much. 

“You know you can talk to me about anything, right? I’m always here and when I’m not, well, I tend to be with you anyway or away for a minute or two in the bathroom.” Natasha gives a small laugh, it’s not real, but lets Clint relax a little. 

“Believe it or not, there are somethings that I’d rather talk about with another woman. I’m sorry if that hurts your feelings.” She rolls her eyes again when Clint gives her his kicked puppy look. “I just… I like talking to Maria—” 

“Because of your massive crush on her?” Natasha narrows her eyes at him before continuing.

“Because then I know it’ll be kept private. I know you wouldn’t tell anyone either, but there are somethings that… I don’t know, she’s just easy to talk to. The doctors report to her and Director Fury, but that’s not everything. I’m not the unstable assassin that most see me as, but it is nice to work through things. And if I don’t go to these extra sessions, I can practically guarantee you that will be my image for the next year at least. The mentally unstable assassin. At least until they ship me off somewhere. Don’t worry though, I still like working through things with you too.” 

Clint makes himself comfortable on her bed, making her sigh since it means it’ll smell like his awful aftershave when she curls up in it later. 

“So, how are things going between the two of you? Everything still cringe worthy? Because while it must suck for the two of you, it’s pretty entertaining for, well, me and Sharon I guess. Has Sharon taken off already?” There’s no hiding the unsure look on Natasha’s face. “What?” 

“Um, yeah, she left earlier, but she made me promise to look after Maria. Anyway, how would you know if things are tense between us? You haven’t been in the same room with the both of us in ages. Maybe not since you had Maria trying to kill zombies.” 

“Nah, there have been a few other times, but what’s so weird about Sharon asking you to look after Maria? Sharon knows you care about her, and it’s not like Maria’s going to. You’re also one of the few people she’ll listen to.” Natasha does her best not to squirm, but it’s the only reaction she really has to it all. 

“I’ve never… I’ve never been trusted like this before. I mean, I don’t even know Sharon that well.” 

“Well, she apparently trusts you, and that means a lot, believe me. Her trusting anyone is rare, but trusting you with Maria? That’s huge.” Natasha slumps into the small chair. 

“That’s not helping.” 

“Look, all it means is that she knows that you’ll make sure Maria takes care of herself, but will also be one of the few people Maria listen to if you have to tell her no. The other person is Director Fury, but he’s busy, like he normally is, with higher things. I can’t even begin to guess what that could be, but that’s why he’s the one with the world on his shoulders.” 

“So does Maria…” she mutters. She misses the odd look Clint gives her. “Everything she does is important. She’s not some random agent, she’s the second in command. How am I supposed to tell her that she should stop working? How do I know that what she’s doing isn’t… essential to the world somehow” she says with a shrug. Clint sighs. 

“Look, the big man up top? He worries about that sort of thing. If she was needed, he’d haul her into his office in a wheelchair if it was necessary. Injuries or not, if it’s big, he’ll want her opinion, a second point of view on things, their two minds together are what keeps the world spinning. But remember, if she’s not in her room, it doesn’t mean she’s working with him. It could mean that she glared some rookies into taking her back to her room okay? Or back to this room or even my room in order to hide. But those will be the first places someone might look, and Sharon’s room is conveniently empty. If you need to stash her, go there.” 

Natasha considers everything he’s said, and it makes sense. Also, going to Sharon’s would buy them some time, but after her and Clint’s quarters, that’s where people would check next. Maybe Bobbi’s room is available. Wait a minute…

“Okay, you’re right. Director Fury will only pull her from recovery if there’s a world ending crisis, but why are you so certain I’ll have to hide Maria?” She can’t really blame him, now he’s got her thinking of places to hide her, but she doubts it will come to that. Maria will already have a plan in place and will simply tell her where to go. Still, she wants to hear him explain. 

“Because she had us break her out last time, and now she’s staying two extra days because the doctors just want to be safe. After pumping her stomach, there’s not a lot to worry about. So, being there for no reason is going to drive her even crazier than being there for her injuries like last time.” Natasha has to admit he has a point, she’d feel the same way if it was her. 

“So, what do I do? Once she breaks out, I mean. Even if I’m the one to break her out, I still won’t know what to do.” Clint gives his unhelpful shrug. 

“Maybe that’s something you should have asked Sharon? Did you two have anything planned or is it going to be just you sitting on her tablet so that she can’t work?” 

“We're going to read a book together. Or I was going to read it to her since she can’t hold it yet. Maybe do the audio book instead.” 

“Yeah, but you can’t do that the whole time. What else do you have planned?” Clint immediately regrets asking the moment he sees her trying not to fidget, but it was a good question. Eventually, Natasha would get tired of reading aloud, she’d need to stop and drink every so often to keep her throat from going dry, but eventually that’d get annoying. Maybe they’d switch to the audio book then, but it wouldn’t make their awkwardness go away. 

“Look, did she suggest anything?” he asks, trying to get that nervous look off Natasha’s face. Not many people would see it, but it was there, her mask only slipping slightly. 

“Um, getting her some food? She also said…” Clint sits up a little straighter when Natasha’s voice drifts off. She looks even more anxious and slightly embarrassed as well. 

“Share please.” 

“I don’t know if I should… she didn’t really mean to say it. It was because her meds were messed up.” Clint leans forward and props his elbows on his knees, waiting. She knows he’ll never tell anyone else. Natasha sighs before answering. “She said she misses me when I’m gone. I’m not sure how to take that since I’ve been around her a lot ever since we were given time off.” Clint chuckles softly to himself. 

“It means she likes you Nat. That the stuff that happened between the two of you? That’s passed, so don’t worry about it. You want to know if she still likes you, is interested in you? The answer is yes. She likes your company when you’re there and misses it when you’re not. She’s generally a loner, but if she just wanted company, there are others she could call. She misses you. And it’s not like you haven’t been spending hours together anyway. Keep in mind that this is only happening because we all happen to have time off. It’s not like you’ll get a chance like this again anytime soon.” Natasha gives him a confused look, and he quickly realizes he could have worded that better. 

“I don’t mean you should do anything… big. Just that this is your chance to really start over. Both of you having all this time off and being able to spend it together? Find something to do. I don’t care if it’s doing a puzzle or counting ceiling tiles. Figure something out. Because I know I just said Director Fury wouldn’t pull her back in unless it was something big, but… Well, not all the missions Coulson sent us on were stupid. If you’ve learned anything in your time here, it’s that there’s always more than a handful of bad guys plotting something awful. The next big crisis could be closer than we think, and then Maria will be needed and we’ll be sent off somewhere soon after. So, avoiding her because you’re nervous or scared? Push it down and away. Whether she meant to say it or not, she admitted that she still cares about you. But right now, I’d recommend getting some rest. It’ll be easier to think tomorrow. Probably.” 

Natasha shoots him a look. 

“You were doing fine until right then. Now get off my bed. It’s going to smell funny now. Sweat and whatever that aftershave is that you think is attractive.” Clint holds up his hands. 

“I’m going, I’m going…” 

* * *

Clint had been right, but she couldn’t let that panic her. Much. Even with Clint’s excellent suggestions of what they could do, she’d have to figure something out on her own. Well, that was sort of a given when it came to Clint’s ideas. On advice, Clint was great, but on ideas, not so much. She has no idea how Clint managed to marry Laura. 

On the other hand, she didn’t know much about normal things. Pretty much all she knew, she’d been doing with Maria before, things she’s already suggested. At the moment, movies weren’t a big thing with Maria right now. As much as they love them, if they watched Clue, North by Northwest, or Rear Window again, they both might lose it. Music would only last so long before they were back to that awkward silence again, and then they’d only have books left and that’s something she’s already trying. What did that leave? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously, what else can they do? I mean I love books and puzzles as much as the next person, but that's all I've got at the moment. So, give me ideas! Please!


	16. Various Games

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maria's physical therapy is in a few days and Natasha helps her keep busy until then.

Clint had been right, and it pains her to even think that. The book reading only lasted about forty-five minutes. Maria was paying attention most of the time, but Natasha could see when she started to drift off in thought. She would have done the same if they were listening to the audiobook. A book was easier to focus on when you were reading the words and keeping track of it all yourself. 

Another good thing is, over the next couple of days, Clint only needs to be called a couple of times. Medical has a few games on hand for patients, and that’s handy for them. She suspects it usually isn’t, since patients are on their own and there’s rarely time for people to come visit. 

They start off with chess, which turns out to be a mistake. Regardless of your position at SHIELD, whether you’re an assassin, a commander, or a spy, having a strategic mind is always a good thing. It helps when it comes to planning out missions, evaluating situations while in the field, all sorts of things. When coming to games though, it’s probably something to avoid. One could argue that there are various SHIELD activities that are similar, but Maria would argue that those are simulations or training exercises. 

Each game of chess that they play come down to only a few pieces left on the board, typically a few pawns on either side and a bishop or a knight, neither willing to declare a draw. So, they wind up playing game after game with each ending in the same result. If you’ve ever seen two people play chess aggressively, you know it’s never pretty. This is worse and is why Clint is called by the nursing staff the first time. According to the various doctors, the two had been playing for nearly three hours and while they knew they should stop them, they were scared to interrupt. Clint’s only question is why they’d waited until the two were close to coming to blows before calling him. In the end, he simply walks in, picks up the board despite their protests, and walks out. 

They make two more mistakes in games before Maria is finally allowed back to her quarters. The first is Monopoly. Monopoly is can get messy even when the players are all friends, well, especially when the players are friends. When both are still figuring out to play, it makes things even harder. If they had known what they were getting into to begin with, maybe they wouldn’t have even started. Neither is the sort to hold serious grudges, they’re jobs are too important for that sort of thing since it might get in the way of getting a job done. Even though they’re practically best friends and steadily working back towards more, neither are against what’s looking like a blood feud before Clint comes in again. He’s seriously wondering what the medical staff is thinking having such stressful and competitive games on hand. SHIELD agents could usually handle both, but with being confined to a bed as well as pain meds, it was asking a lot for things to go smoothly. 

The next game is a trivia game and it’s the last one they play while she’s still in medical. They skip the board game part and stick to the cards, board games not having gone well for them so far. If Clint had thought about it, he might have been a little more helpful and tried to help Natasha pick games before hand. Neither of the women had good or even traditional childhood, so board games in general probably weren’t all that familiar to either of them. Still, trivial pursuit is the only game they have any luck with while Maria is still in medical. They’re pretty good at the game, but that’s only after they decide to get rid of the categories they know nothing about. They won’t admit that though, so they call them the categories that are stupid. That just leaves them with current events, history, science and nature, and wild card. After a while wild card is abandoned as well. Current events are sort of hit or miss since unless a mission was involved with the situation, they tended to avoid the news. The world was depressing enough as it was, the best they could do was try and keep major world threats from happening and hope that was enough. It might have been fun to watch them when they first started, as each one eliminated questions based on whether they felt the other knew the answer or deciding that if they didn’t know it themselves, how was anyone else supposed to. 

* * *

Getting Maria back to quarters is awkward and complicated, but not nearly as much as deciding what to do next. Maria’s bed is just long enough for her to fit on, but Clint had found a large desk on wheels that went next to the bed and the desk spread over Maria’s legs. Natasha pulled up a stool, despite Maria’s willingness to move her legs over to make room for her to sit. 

Their final attempt at a board game is Scrabble and it goes fairly well, up to a point. One of their first mistakes is keeping score. Things are going fine with Maria only ten points behind, when Natasha plays her word. 

“That’s not a word, so I’m not giving you eighty-four points for it” says Maria bluntly. Natasha glares at her. 

“It’s a Russian word” she replies. 

“Then you should have grabbed Russian Scrabble-“

“There’s a Russian Scrabble?”

“Scrabble comes in like fifty-five different languages. I should also add that I don’t speak Russian-“ 

“You don’t speak Russian?” Maria sighs. 

“I speak Arabic, French, German, Italian, Mandarin, and Spanish, so I’m good in most places-“

“Not Russia, you’re not…” mutters the red head. Maria glares at her. 

“Then I’ll take you with me, but in nearly everywhere else in the world, I’m fine. Point is, Scrabble comes in a variety of languages, but we’re playing the American English version so-“ 

“I thought you’d only played this a few times before. How do you know about all the different languages?” Maria clenches her jaw. 

“I saw some agents playing Gaelic Scrabble once in the mess. I think it’s safe to assume if it comes in Gaelic, there’s a good chance it comes in other languages too. Now you have to find a word in English to play or pass and then it’s my turn again.” Natasha scowls at her letters before announcing that she gives up. Normally, she wouldn’t be the type to ever give up, but she has shitty letters and wants to make sure she’s still on speaking terms with Maria afterwards. 

When Clint drops in to check on them, he’s brought an embarrassing number of Disney movies with him in a large dvd case. He drops it in front of them, barely missing the leg Maria has in a cast, and then promptly leaves. After exchanging a look, Natasha sets up the laptop and they go through the case for something to watch. 

“Have you seen any of these before?” asks Maria. Natasha reluctantly nods and doesn’t look at her when she answers. 

“Some of them. It’s how we perfected our American accents. Ridiculous voices, but perfect English.” Maria doesn’t ask her to elaborate. Knowing that this is a topic to skip, she gives her own history with them. 

“I’ve watched maybe… one with Sharon? I didn’t… until I moved in with Sharon’s aunt, movies weren’t really high on my list of things to do. When I moved in with Aunt Angie and Peggy, we weren’t really the types to sit still when we had down time. I’ve never been much of a Disney kid anyway. You pick ones that we can skip because you’ve seen them, I won’t know the difference, and then we’ll try what’s left.” 

They make it part way through a handful of movies, neither very big on musical numbers, before settling on the movie Enchanted because it mostly isn’t animated. This one is better than the others, but not by much in their opinion. Maria was debating whether to give up entirely and resort to a streaming service instead. As they watched, Natasha seemed to get more and more uncomfortable. It’s only near the end of Enchanted that Maria puts it together. For years, and probably still, Natasha has seen herself as a villain. There was also the fact that even though they’d eliminated the ones she’d already seen, the films might be dredging up memories Natasha would rather avoid. So far in the movies they’ve watched, they’d seen a sea witch impaled with the bow of a ship, a dragon cut open, a rat plummet to its doom, and Susan Sarandon’s character end up impaled on a skyscraper. Personally, Maria had enjoyed The Great Mouse Detective, but that was mainly due to the fact that the bad guy was voiced by Vincent Price. Unfortunately, that was the film where the rat plummeted to its doom. The only one they both enjoy is The Sword in the Stone. Its musical numbers are tolerable, the villain only comes down with a cold instead of dying, and aside from a scene with a squirrel, it’s fun. 

Having had enough of animated films and not wanting Natasha to feel any worse, Maria closes the dvd case, and streams the movie Clue instead. Yes, it involved having a bad guy as well, but it could be any of the people there. Had she been thinking, that might have not been the best choice since it might imply that Natasha could be betrayed by anyone and not see it coming, but Natasha was smiling and laughing, so Maria figured they were okay. 

* * *

The last day they have before Maria’s physical therapy starts, they try card games. After playing several, Natasha discovers that Maria can count cards without knowing she’s doing it. This only comes after playing about three hours of various games, including black jack. After finally letting Maria know, Maria teaches Natasha how to play solitaire. That’s when they finally get some time to talk. 

“I’m glad we’re doing this” starts Natasha. Maria smiles and nods. It does feel like they’re getting comfortable with each other again. Maria still misses being close to her. When they used to watch movies together, Natasha would curl into her side, when they went over their books together they tended to sit side by side on one of their beds. She would have hoped for that again, but her casts made that impossible, making her hate them even more. It also didn’t make her miss it any less. While Sharon had made herself comfortable next her before, it had been a tight squeeze, but there was no stopping her. Whoops, she should probably say something. 

“I’ve missed doing this with you. Actually, doing pretty much anything with you.” That seems to startle Natasha for some reason. “What?” 

“You just… you said something similar when you were on the wrong meds. I wasn’t sure you remembered saying it or that you meant it.” Maria doesn’t know what to say to that at first. 

“Well, I don’t remember what I said. I don’t remember anything really about that day past you and Sharon visiting. But if I said something, I meant it. I’ve never lied to you and never would. From the look on your face, I have a feeling I might have too honest, but I don’t regret it.” She can see Natasha taking that in, and she wishes it wasn’t so hard for her to see. She’s pretty sure Clint hasn’t lied to her either and Director Fury, well, he’s been too busy to interact with her directly, but that’s just how he works. 

If someone has to deal with agents, he leaves the to the directors. Usually not the Deputy Director herself, but she’d put herself in this situation. Suddenly she can see his frustration at having to come to her room in medical to fix things. There was too much going on in the world for him to take out the time to do that, but he had anyway. Usually, she had no problem when it came to putting her agents in line, so what was stopping her now? It’s not like she’s friends with Phil anymore, he’s made his position clear months ago. As for the other agents, she’s never cared what they thought before, and she still didn’t. She’s drawn out of her thoughts by Natasha’s next question. 

“Why me? I’ve heard from… various people trying to make a point, that you’ve never really… you generally keep yourself separate from the agents. Normally, you interact with agents only on a professional basis. So, why decide to stop all that for me?” Maria considers her words for a minute. Like she told Aunt Peggy, it wasn’t out of pity. 

“Well, you should know it was never out of pity. I don’t know if I’ve told you that before, but I want you to know that it’s true. For one, I don’t do pity and I have a feeling you wouldn’t accept it. As for why, well, because you asked me to. So, I suppose the real question is, why did you pick me?” If anything, that seems to make Natasha even more uncomfortable. Unsure if the red head is going to answer, her mind goes blank so she just waits. 

Natasha knows the answer, but isn’t something she should share. Not because she wants to be dishonest with Maria, but because it’s embarrassing. She also doesn’t want Maria to know that it was really Clint who set all this in motion. But she has to say something and Maria’s right, she’d been honest with her from the beginning. 

“I may have been staring and Clint caught me.” She watches as Maria doesn’t catch on at first, but also sees the moment it clicks judging by the one-sided smile appearing on her face. She’s doing her best to keep from blushing as bright as her hair. Then Maria frowns and it just makes her more nervous. 

“Wait, where were you watching from? I usually spot people watching me. It’s a useful skill in our line of work.” Natasha gives her a half smile before wincing. 

“From one of Clint’s nests. He has one set up so that he can watch the bridge and the hallway towards the conference rooms. He was already having doubts about Coulson when it came to me, but at that point he still called him Phil. It… also had a prime view of the bridge of the Carrier.” Maria turns her head slightly and seems to be considering her next question. 

“How long were you watching me? I’m curious, because even if I didn’t notice, someone else must have.” Natasha looks off to the side, unable to handle Maria’s bright blue eyes at the moment since they’re sparkling with humor at the moment. 

“Clint did” she answers, feeling it’s safest. Maria still has that look on her face that says she’s considering things. Natasha recognizes it from when they all go things during a mission briefing. 

“How much did Clint have to do with you approaching me?” Natasha shrugs, still not meeting Maria’s gaze. 

“I wanted to get to know you and he said we should start by being friends. He was concerned about a lot of things, like fraternization rules, and how Coulson might see things, and how it might affect our jobs, but he encouraged me anyway, without trying to screw up everything on purpose. I think he’s intercepted a few people from saying or doing a few things. I don’t… I go to him with a lot of things. But you’re the only one I trust when it comes to what’s edible in the mess.” Maria smiles at that. 

“I’m just glad you have someone to talk to when I’m not around. Me being available for this long is a rarity. It hardly ever happens, it’s just not great that it happens to be because of an injury. It’ll be a while before Fury lets me back into my office, he’d better not be letting anyone else work in there-“ Natasha grins as Maria continues to grumble to herself about all the things that had better not be happening on “her Helicarrier.” She seems to realize what she’s doing though, and shakes herself out of it. “Sharon will probably be there for you too, but in a weird way. Bobbi is another option for a friend-“ 

“Why do you keep sort of pushing me to be friends with Bobbi Morse?” 

“Honestly? Because Sharon’s good, and I won’t be sparring any time soon, and Bobbi is the only person I can think of that could possibly keep up with you on the mats and not die. I mean, Clint seems to keep up pretty well, but I have a feeling you’re pulling your punches with him.” 

“Maybe you’re forgetting that Morse got shot and broke her leg in six places. Also, that would mean having to put up with her ex. Hunter is one of the people that has a special level of hate for me. The kind Coulson has for me, in fact, his hate might be due to Coulson. I don’t know.” 

“Well, for her to consider sparring with you, being friends would be a good step.” Natasha narrows her eyes at her. Is Maria pushing her away for some reason? Morse has at least six months of healing before she even starts physical therapy. Maria must see the question all over her face. 

“I’m not trying to get rid of you. If anything, you should know by now, that I like having you around. I thought that would’ve been clear by when I said it not meaning to and then when I said it again a little earlier. I’m not concerned about you or anything, but this new life of yours shouldn’t involve just three people. There are a few people that come to my mind when it comes to possible friends, but ultimately, that decision is yours. I guess I just want you to know that you have more than three people in your corner. I’ll always be here for you, even if it comes down to us communicating through post it notes left on the desk in my office. Clint will always be there you too, even when you get tired of him and don’t want him to be. Sharon will be here for you in her own odd way too. That might revolve more around sparring and the odd bit of advice. She trusts you though, otherwise you wouldn’t be anywhere near me during my recovery, she would have made sure of that somehow.” Maria stops herself before she can’t get herself to stop rambling. 

Natasha thinks for a second, still going through the deck three cards at a time until she finds something she can play. She can see what Maria’s saying, but at the moment, she just wants to spend time with her. 

“I’ll take all that into consideration, but right now I’m giving up on solitaire and suggest we start out last activity because who knows how long it will take.” With that, she sets the cards aside and picks up the thousand piece puzzle. 

“So, who’s Aunt Peggy?” It doesn’t come out nearly as casual as she’d like, but it’s what she’s been wondering ever since she and Sharon broke into Maria’s quarters. Maria’s picking out the edge pieces, but there’s a smile on her face. 

“My Dad wasn’t… When I was twelve, Aunt Peggy spotted me walking home and thought I had potential. Apparently, she’d been watching me for a while, in a non-creepy way. After… another incident at home, Aunt Peggy basically adopted me. I still don’t know what she saw in a lanky twelve year old and I always forget to ask when she calls. After all this time, it probably doesn’t matter anymore. But, that’s how I got to know Sharon and her step brother Kevin. Although, unless you want to get on her shit list, you’ll just call him her brother.” 

“Thanks for the tip, but I still don’t know who Aunt Peggy is, you sort of went on a tangent.” Maria gives her a look, one that she tends to give people when she can’t tell if they’re being serious or not. She doesn’t get that look often, but she tends to give that look to Coulson whenever he’s being stupid. Sometimes to Director Hand too when she’s being… Director Hand. Either way, she was starting to feel stupid. 

“You’ve never wondered why she goes by Agent 13 and not Sharon when she’s in the field… or just in general? We’re the only ones who call her Sharon, so you should probably consider yourself honored.” Natasha hadn’t really realized that, even though she’d been on a few missions with her. She tends to focus on the mission related details when it came to work. 

“Still, not an answer.” Maria sighs. 

“You didn’t look through Sharon’s file, did you?” 

“I haven’t really had the chance. Also, only knowing her first name could make it take longer. Why don’t you save me the trouble and just tell me before we have to do twenty questions.” 

“Sharon’s last name is Carter, but she’d rather not draw attention to herself. She’d rather work her way up based on her ability instead of her family name.” At first, Natasha still doesn’t catch on. Carter is a pretty common last name. But then she considers the name Carter in regards to SHIELD. Then it hits her. 

“She’s related to Peggy Carter? You were adopted by Peggy Carter? But then who’s Aunt Angie?” 

“Yes, but keep that to yourself. I never really thought about it, but the fact that she helped raise me, might have affected my career too. Actually, Director Fury isn’t the type to care about that sort of thing, but other agents would. Our whole careers would come into question.” 

“I think it already did when you kept Clint from killing me. And then again when you became my friend. It’s probably going to affect Sharon’s career now too.” She lets out a sigh. The only people not affected were Clint and Director Hand. Clint because he didn’t care and Director Hand because, well, she didn’t care either. 

“Just so you know, I still don’t regret it. Not my order to Clint or becoming your friend. Sharon can take of herself, but you’ve reminded me that if she does get any flack, it’ll either result in people getting shot or kicked off the Carrier. Like Aunt Peggy, she tends to be, well, not one for violence exactly, but she knows her value. No one is going to make her question that or try to take that from her. Which… can result in violence. As for Aunt Angie… well, it feels weird to call Aunt Angie her girlfriend after all these years, but they aren’t married. They are together though and have been ever since Aunt Peggy was an agent in New York. They both took care of me, but it was Aunt Peggy who taught us how to box and dance and other basics.” 

“Wait, wasn’t Peggy Carter one of the founders of SHIELD? Why was she just your typical agent?” Maria gives her a look. “Right, because she was a woman.” 

“She became the Director of SHIELD in 1970. But Aunt Angie has always been there by her side, even when she was transferred to Los Angles. Because they were a couple, but also because I don’t think Aunt Peggy can cook. Actually, if I consider growing up with them, I know Aunt Peggy can’t cook.” 

“So, how’d you wind up living with them anyway?” Maria’s face doesn’t change, but Natasha can tell she asked a bad question. Suddenly, things are not exactly awkward, but something had changed. Maria tries to hide a wince, but she sees it anyway. 

“My mother died giving birth to me and my Dad never really got over it. He held it against me from that point on. That included a lot of emotional and physical abuse. Look, don’t worry about it, any of it, okay? Aunt Peggy pulled me out of it, and keep in mind that everyone at SHIELD has some kind of trauma in their past. It’s practically a requirement to work here. Don’t consider going after my Dad either. Just let him drink himself to death.” 

Natasha scowls. She had been thinking about killing Maria’s Dad. It would be off the books. A freelance job, emphasis on the free. But, Maria had told her no. Normally she’d ignore that kind of thing, but Maria would probably make it an order if she had to. Maria’s giving her a hard look, so she nods, agreeing to not to do anything. She’d already thought Peggy Carter was interesting, but this made her amazing. A look comes over Maria’s face that she can’t read. 

“Look, I’m not… what I went through is nothing compared to what you went through, even though I don’t know the extent of anything Red Room did.” Now, Natasha gets it and lets out a small chuckle. 

“Don’t worry about it. I’m not offended or anything. Red Room is altogether different from what anyone’s experienced. Do you mind a question completely off topic?” Maria shrugs in response. “So, if I hang out with Sharon more, does that mean I have to spar with her at ridiculous times in the morning. I mean I have an awkward sleep schedule and sometimes go to the gym at night, but if she’s going to bang on my door at night, I want to be ready for that.” It’s only after she says it that she realizes what she just admitted to. Oops. Maria’s giving her a look that says she was putting it together. 

“You were there that night, weren’t you? When I was talking with Sharon.” Natasha winces. 

“Not intentionally? Like I just said, sometimes I go to the gym at night. I was going to leave until I realized you were talking about me. I was… curious about what the two of you thought of me. Well, what Sharon thought of me. I was pretty sure she was going to tell you to stay away from me, but she didn’t. Then I couldn’t exactly leave without the two of you hearing me, the gym door squeaks. I think Sharon saw me though as I left.” It’s then that she realizes that she’s probably just made things worse for herself and Sharon too. Maria sighs and slumps slightly in the bed as she leans back. Not before fitting another piece in though. 

“And how much of what you heard had you going after Sharon and asking me out?” Natasha looks away, but she can feel the blush on her face. Maria didn’t become the Deputy Director for being slow, but Natasha would have given anything for Maria to have taken a little long put things together. 

“I may have waited a few days, but that was because Sharon was still out on a mission. I gave her some time to get debriefed and do a few other things before following her to Starbucks. After talking to her, I had to wait for you to be free and that doesn’t happen often. Then Clint and I were sent on those two missions back to back, where the last one went to hell. Only after a short recovery and you finally being free of office business, did I finally get to ask you out. So, there was time between me deciding to and actually asking you. I had multiple chances to reconsider, but I didn’t.” 

“But did what you heard have an impact on your decision? I’m wondering because maybe that’s how we took things too fast. We both wanted it, but there were a number of things we should have considered first. One of them being how fast we were going.” Maria isn’t really looking at her now, she’s sort of staring through the floor. Natasha’s still confused. 

“I’m still pretty sure that’s what I wanted. What I still want eventually, just when we’re ready.” She feels like they’re getting there, but now she’s starting to feel nervous. Maybe it’s not something Maria wants anymore and keeps alluding to it by saying they went too fast or didn’t consider everything. Maybe Maria’s reconsidering wanting to go on a date with her. She could handle that after a while. It would involve willingly going on every mission available for a while, but with Clint’s unwanted help, she’d get over it and be okay with just being Maria’s friend. Hopefully, Maria still wants that too. Has everything she’s gone through been worth it? From what she’s witnessed from vents and the shadows, Maria had the support of people that meant something to her, but she was also aware of how she made things so much harder for Maria. 

Maria comes out of her thoughts and looks at her with an embarrassed smile. 

“It’s not just you, you know. I’m nervous too, for a number of reasons. Believe it or not, I don’t get asked on dates often.” Natasha has to let that sink in. As it does, Maria gives her a self-deprecating smile. Maria’s getting better and better at reading her so she simply tilts her head. 

Whatever Maria was about to explain is cut off by someone knocking at her door. Everyone else knows better, so that only leaves on person. Getting up, Natasha answers the door. 

“I’m stuck” says Clint as he shifts from foot to foot. 

“Stuck on what?” asks Maria from behind her. Clint hesitates before answering. Natasha looks back and see Maria still sitting up but now leaning so she can get a better look at Clint. She has an eyebrow raised and a serious look on her face. Natasha, on the other hand, knows that this probably isn’t serious given how nervous Clint is. She can read him pretty well now, and whatever this is could have waited. She has a feeling the look on her face says as much and maybe that’s adding to his nervousness. Clint’s eyes dart between the two of them a few times before he answers. 

“On a level in Resident Evil” he finally says. Natasha glares at him as she hears Maria sigh behind her. 

“Clint-“ starts Maria, but he cuts her off. 

“C’mon! You two are better at the puzzle parts than me! Plus, you guys sort of owe me for the few times I had to come down confiscate a board game before you two got too intense. I was in the middle of some important levels, and you two have managed to scare the medical staff so bad, that they don’t want to interrupt you themselves.” 

“She still can’t exactly play, her arm is still in a cast” points out Natasha. 

“I know. That’s why you play and Maria helps you figure out the sticky parts” explains Clint. Maria sighs behind her again, so Natasha’s just about to slam the door in his face when Maria answers. 

“Bring it in Barton.” Clint lets out a relieved breath and picks up his video game system that he had stashed just off to the side of the door. It takes him only minutes to set it up and then the last bit of the afternoon is spent trying to defeat zombies. 


	17. Natasha's First Real Mission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha gets her first solo mission, but she feels guilty leaving Maria alone. Aside from leaving Maria, the only real downside is that Phil was her handler, but she can deal with that. The mission comes first.

Her physical therapy has started. It started at eight which meant she’d had three hours to waste. Still stuck in her casts, there wasn’t a lot she could do, so that only left brooding. It passed the time, but by the time she was gotten for therapy, she was in an awful mood. 

Therapy consisted of several basic and mind numbing exercises that only became more frustrating when it took so much effort to do them. She’d kept the truth of her injuries a secret from Natasha. Sharon, well, Sharon was one of the few people who could see when she was hiding something. Not when it came to work, but on other things, things she’d sometimes like to keep to herself. That’s why Sharon had been spending more time visiting her, having figured out that Maria was hiding something about her injuries, but not knowing what. The only reason she hadn’t pressed was because if it was really serious, Maria would have told her. When Sharon had visited her alone in medical, she’d had the opportunity to tell her, but she hadn’t. 

She’s built up a sweat now, not doing anything other than flexing her arm. She can’t do anything but scowl at the table and then the therapist when he says she’s doing great. She hadn’t noticed when Natasha arrived, but now spots her watching from across the room. She gives her a small smile, but when the stupid therapist notices, she gives him her darkest scowl. The rest of the appointment goes by fast after that. 

Natasha walks her back to her quarters since she’s still on crutches due to her leg. She’s wondering the same question she always does when she’s on her crutches, but Natasha must read her thoughts. 

“No, you can’t manage crutches and your screens as well. You have multiple screens and even with just one crutch it would be too hard. You kind of need both hands to get anything done and your arm can’t do that yet.” Knowing the operative is right, she grumbles until they’ve reached her room, making Natasha smile. 

She’d picked up on it earlier, the fact that something is off about Natasha, but waits to talk about it until they’re alone. The moment the door is closed, she brings it up. 

“What’s up?” That’s all she says, because there’s no way to tell if what Natasha was worried about was something real, like her abilities or something she was just overthinking. 

“I’ve been given my first solo assignment” answers Natasha nervously. Maria doesn’t know what she’d be nervous about. 

“That’s great! What will you be doing?” She watches Natasha begin to turn away but decides to sit down on the bed next to her. 

“I’m being sent to LA to see how sick Tony Stark is. I go in a week” she answers. Everyone had heard about Tony Stark. His being sick wasn’t known to many, but Fury has been keeping her updated despite her current condition. 

“Who’s your handler?” she asks, trying to ease into whatever has Natasha so nervous. Natasha’s usually very good at containing her expressions. She can read her pretty well now, but if Natasha didn’t want her to know, she wouldn’t. There was no hiding that wince though. 

“Coulson.” She doesn’t even try to hide her growl. She’s going to cave in Phil’s skull in with one of her crutches. Knowing her train of thought, Natasha puts a hand on her knee. She settles back down, but the feel of Natasha’s hand on her knee almost burned. She hadn’t known how much she missed this familiar contact until now. Realizing that Natasha’s saying something, she tries to focus back on her. 

“Relax, maybe this is a good thing. Maybe he’s finally beginning to trust me. If not, Director Fury is making him see my value. It’s not exactly the most difficult mission I’ve ever been given, but who knows when it comes to Tony Stark.” That’s true. Trouble seemed to follow him, but there was never any way to tell how he’d deal with it. 

“Anything you’re worried about?” Natasha looks away and it just makes her more curious. Everything should be pretty straight forward. 

“So, I’m going in as a honeytrap for obvious reasons-.” This time all Maria does is clench her jaw, but it makes Natasha smile. “Anyway, the only real thing I have to ask is do I have to sleep with him? I mean, it’s the type of thing I would have done before SHIELD, but…” 

“ _NO_!” She might have answered that too quickly, but it was true and not for her own personal reasons. “Um, no. SHIELD would never require that of you. Should it come up in any mission, that is your decision. Tony Stark… well, he’ll want to, that whole playboy part of him probably being hard to shake, but he’s with Pepper Potts now. 

You should know though, since it’s Director Fury assigning this to you, there is definitely more at stake than it looks like. I don’t know how Tony Stark will play into things in the future, but it looks like Fury thinks he will, so this isn’t some nothing assignment. Coulson might treat it that way or take it as an opportunity to show off a little, but that’s just because he doesn’t know everything.” 

“Do you?” 

“Yeah, but that’s due to my position as Fury’s Second. That’s how I’m able to tell you that there’s more going on than it seems. So, between the mission itself and Tony Stark, just about anything could happen so you’ll need to stay on your toes.” She nearly rolls her eyes at what she just said. Natasha is the type to stay on her toes when it comes to everything. 

“Well, I know what’s required of me, and glad about what it doesn’t, I didn’t want to ask Clint and have his head explode from a deep blush and I’m not sure what answer I’d get from Coulson. I won’t have any trouble switching from Black Widow to another persona, but I’m going to miss this. Us. What we have I mean.” She nods. When they aren’t on their own, Natasha keeps her Black Widow mask in place. It slips a bit when they’re around others, about the same amount it does when she’s with Clint, but all it tells others is that there are only two people she really trusts. When they’re alone though she’s sometimes bashful, nervous, and open. So is she if she thinks about it, the only other person to really see that is Sharon. Natasha sighs and pulls her hand back off her leg, but before she can even miss it, she leans her head on her shoulder. 

“As eager as I am about all this, I feel bad about leaving you here and breaking my word to Sharon.” That throws her a bit. 

“Wait, wait, wait… Are you saying Sharon made you promise something? Those things usually come with a threat from her, but don’t worry about it. Sharon probably means it, but I’ll make sure that she doesn’t actually do anything.” It then occurs to her that Natasha is very capable of taking care of herself. She’s just about to say as much when she feels Natasha’s chuckling through her shoulder. 

“It’s more like I promised I would. After she shoved me against the corridor. It was a request, but I don’t think saying no was really an option.” 

“Look, if there’s going to be any shoving or threatening going on, please do it on the mats? I can have medics nearby, but the corridors are a pain to mop up due to how much traffic they see. Then there’s the fact that I like the both of you and won’t know who to root for. At the moment, you should be focusing on skills you might need to brush up on for your mission and be ready for the preparation that Coulson will want to do too. Basic stuff you know, resumes, ids, background history, you coming up in internet searches, that sort of thing.” She feels Natasha nod against her. She rests her own head against Natasha’s and relaxes a bit. 

If Nat has one thing going for her, it’s the fact that at least Phil’s met Pepper Potts and Tony Stark before. That’s probably the reason he’s the handler and not Victoria. They sit in a comfortable silence for a moment before Natasha speaks again. 

“There is one more thing I need to know before I go…” 

“I’m going to be fine Nat. Sharon will be back eventually and so will you. Even on crutches, I can order agents to do whatever I need and will manage to get things done, okay?” Natasha’s silence suggests she doesn’t exactly believe her. “What is it?” 

“Well, I’m sure you can do all that, but I need to know if your other injuries are worse than you let on at first. Like your leg.” Maria’s sigh comes out heavier than she meant it to. 

“I had an idea of where your head might be going right after the attack. You were already blaming yourself before you had any idea of what happened. I didn’t want to increase your worrying.” 

“Yeah, I can see that, but I’m worrying about it now.” Fuck. 

“Well, my arm got the worst of it. My leg was ripped up pretty bad, but was a mess of muscle and blood, so it’ll take a little longer to heal. I’ll be fine, your focus needs to be on what is coming up.” 

She doesn’t hesitate to put her arm around the other woman. She’ll miss this too, but with this mission starting, she’ll have to get back to work too. Lately, she’s been working a little but only as much as Natasha would let her, which comes to a few hours a day. This will have her back in her office doing as much as she can. 

She doesn’t know how long they sit there before Natasha’s phone goes off. Natasha sighs and pulls it out. She doesn’t look, but she’s guessing it’s Phil wanting to get things started. Based on how Nat’s glaring at the message, it’s safe to say that she’s right. Looking at the red head, she sees she’s focused on her still bandaged leg. 

“I’ll be fine” she reassures her again. She kisses the side of Natasha’s head without thinking but doesn’t regret it. Natasha gets up and goes to the door, but gives her a long look before leaving. Once she’s gone, Maria falls back on the bed. Time to throw herself back into things, but unsurprisingly, she welcomes it. 

* * *

This is definitely something she’s keeping from Maria. She’s going as a freaking honeytrap, is a modeling photoshoot really necessary? If she’s supposed to have all the qualifications for this job, when would she have had time to do modeling? Why can’t she be a model with clothes on? If it’s somehow essential, fine, she’ll do it, but the lingerie shoot? That is both unnecessary and something she really hopes doesn’t go across Maria’s desk because it will undoubtedly result in a few deaths. 

The position of personal assistant is one that she’ll have no trouble with, so she doesn’t understand why Coulson is treating her like an idiot and explaining to her what the job entails. Then they cover all her weapons, ones that she’s used before, and there haven’t been any improvements to her suit so that is also pointless. She knows he’s just wasting her time to remind her that he’s in charge. 

She’ll be starting in the legal department, so she starts by brushing up on that. 

Okay. So, things could have started better. She was there helping Stark sign over his company to Pepper Potts. As she’s called into the boxing ring, Pepper calls him eccentric. She’s in the ring with Happy waiting for something to happen, when she hears Pepper ask Tony if he’s googling her. Of course he is and that will lead him to the stupid photoshoot. She’s so busy trying to listen in, that Happy’s fist actually gets close to her face, and at that point her instincts kick in. She winds up slamming him into the mat. Not a great first impression, but Stark doesn’t seem bothered by it. 

Monaco is next and she’s still working in legal but it’s unclear whether she reports to Stark or Potts. That’s the start of things going off the rails though. Lots of people want to see a race in Monaco, and yes, having a car in that race is even better, but being a driver in that race is going a bit far. She finds out about it from the numerous screens around the bar like everyone else, but when Pepper calls for her, she’s back in assistant mode and thankfully has answers to her questions. If anyone stands a chance of stopping him, it’s Pepper Potts. 

She’s already got her senses going at full alert, but she’s telling herself to calm down, it’s just Stark being Stark, when she really should have been paying attention to the hairs on the back of her neck. That’s when the cameras notice Ivan Vanko, with his whips and an arc reactor of his very own. Shit. She sees Pepper take off with Happy and the Iron Man case. Only then did she duck out to give Coulson an update. She’s not going to break cover, she assures him of this before he even gets two words out, but she’s positive Stark will need more than who’s coming for him as back up. Coulson tells her to stay put, having to say it even though she just had. He says he has things covered and she doubts that. 

Vanko was a name she knew well and she was really hoping he didn’t see her. He’d be one of the few who would know who she used to be. He knew her face. Ivan had always been a violent guy, but he seemed to become sort of unhinged when his dad got sick years ago. She can only guess that he must have finally died recently and that it started this whole thing. There are even more cameras now, all trying to record what’s happening between Stark and Vanko. It’s not quite a fight but thankfully that’s when Happy and Pepper arrive. Their efforts to save Stark aren’t exactly going well, and Stark gets his suit just before anybody is killed. 

Then it’s Iron Man against Vanko and it still isn’t pretty but Stark manages things. She’s glad since Happy and Pepper had still been on the track, their car cut into parts. 

She’s staying close to Pepper while Stark goes and talks to Vanko. She’ll hack into the feeds later and find out that Vanko’s father worked with Stark. But that’s not the interesting part. Somehow, Vanko knows about the palladium poisoning and the list of people who know that is short. Not even Coulson knows that. 

* * *

Maria’s been monitoring the situation, that’s part of her job, but she’d be lying if she said she was more concerned about the man in a metal suit than the operative they sent in. She uses the word operative because it puts some distance between the woman out there working and the woman she knows. She knows she doesn’t have to, Natasha’s the best and is more than qualified for all this, but she worries about her anyway, she can’t help it. She knows the important thing is finding out Stark’s level of blood toxicity, but Natasha is important too. Only she and Fury know of the blood toxicity aspect, but she predicts a fit of some sort from Phil when he’s finally told. It’s amazing really, Phil Coulson is so put together most of the time and only seems to have these outbursts in her office. It’s aggravating to say the least. 

Finding out that she flattened Happy Hogan by accident made her smirk, it meant that Happy had tried to do something stupid when she wasn’t looking. She figures Nat had simply acted on instinct, and according to the reports that’s exactly what happened. It doesn’t stop Phil from fuming and bursting into her lunch with Victoria to tell her that HER operative may have just blown the whole mission. Having met both Potts and Stark, you’d think he’d know that it would take more than this to ruffle them. 

She, along with everyone else, sees what happens in Monaco from tv coverage. Within seconds, SHIELD has it on nearly every monitor, both the live coverage and cameras they’ve hacked into. She knows Natasha is there somewhere too. Natasha knows her job though and sticks to playing someone from legal, who would have no reason to rush out onto the track to help. Ivan Vanko was something they hadn’t predicted, but thankfully, Natasha is good at thinking on her feet. Ivan’s escape from prison she saw coming, Nat probably did too, but apparently Coulson didn’t. 

* * *

The discovery that Ivan Vanko had been smuggled out of prison wasn’t a surprise to her. The official story was that he died in an explosion, there was even a body to go with it, but it was all a show and a sloppy one at that. Her focus is still the palladium poisoning that is probably getting worse in Stark. 

When she helps Stark get ready for his party by bringing him a drink and a watch once he picks one, it the first chance she really gets to be close to him. She sticks to her role. Even though she’s not required to sleep with him, she still has to be alluring so she puts innuendo into a few sentences and gets in his personal space a bit. Covering his cut with make-up gives her a good look at his neck. That’s when he asks her a question that finally makes him seem human. It’s just him, not the arrogant guy. She gives an honest answer. _I’D DO WHATEVER I WANTED TO DO WITH WHOEVER I WANTED TO DO IT WITH_. Her mind is still focused on the mission, but when she gives him her answer, she’s thinking of Maria. That realization has her getting up and walking away not only because his cut is covered, but because she needs a second to compose herself again. Maria popping in her head in that moment had been a surprise. 

Once the party starts, Stark is back to his usual self. Well… not quite. He’s drunk and it looks like both Pepper Potts and Lt. Col. Rhodes don’t know what to do. Pepper goes up to the mic does what she can to salvage things, but things only get worse when Stark takes the mic back. It involves him shooting bottles and other things out of the air and it’s a miracle no one is killed. 

Then Rhodes appears in another suit and well, things get worse than worse. She’s trying to figure out how to get everyone out and still contain everything, when Pepper confronts her. She tries to keep cover and calls her Ms. Potts, but Pepper isn’t an idiot and you’d have to be in order to not know that something is going on. Pepper’s just starting to explain that when Rhodes and Stark come down from the floor above. Automatically, she takes a fighting stance, something Pepper undoubtedly notices and will remark on later, but right then Happy Hogan calls and takes her to safety. Knowing that there’s nothing she can do when it comes to two men in metal, she gets out of there herself. 

She knew she’d have to find Stark and reveal who she really was, but she didn’t expect Director Fury to come himself. That had to be a blow to Coulson and she didn’t mind that. While confronting Stark, Director Fury talks to her with a familiarity that sounds like they’ve been close friends for a while. They haven’t interacted more than once, but this is a clear sign that he trusts her. Back at what’s left of Tony’s home, Director Fury debriefs Tony about finding the new element. Coulson is there too, but as the Director leaves, she says her piece and then follows without even glancing at her handler. 

Going back to work, Pepper calls her into her office. Once the door is closed, Pepper gives her a look from behind her desk. It’s like one of the ones that Maria gives people. It’s so close that it’s kind of creepy. It makes her stand a little straighter. 

“You’re with SHIELD.” It isn’t a question, it’s a statement of fact. 

“Yes.” 

“Does Tony know?” 

“He does now. Director Fury and I talked to him at Randy’s Donuts.” Pepper rolls her eyes, probably at where they found him. 

“So, why are you here? Why did the Director place you here undercover?” Natasha winces. It’s a perfectly valid question, but Pepper’s not going to like the answer. 

“I can’t disclose that, but I can tell you I was put here to protect Mr. Stark. From what, I can’t tell you, but that’s all I was sent to do.” Pepper is still looking at her with narrowed eyes, and she has a feeling she knows what it’s about. “If it counts for anything, I’m interested in women, and have my eye on a certain one back at SHIELD. There were… certain things I needed to evaluate by getting close to Mr. Stark, but it was never anything more than that.” Despite everything going on, that seems to loosen some of the stress in her shoulders. 

Stark has been working at home for a while now as she and Pepper, as she’s now officially aloud to call her, have been holding down things at the office. Director Fury’s call telling her that Coulson has been reassigned to something in New Mexico is something she takes as a sign of things finally going right. 

* * *

Despite Victoria’s raised eyebrow, Maria had nothing to do with Phil being assigned to Stark for babysitting duty while he worked on things or his reassignment to New Mexico. Both of those are Fury’s doing. Once Phil is gone, Victoria becomes Nat’s handler again and that has her relaxing. For a moment she wonders when she started calling her Nat in her head, that’s something only Clint does as far as she knows. As one final act, Coulson has Clint join him in New Mexico. 

As she expected, Nat has to reveal herself to Pepper. People don’t become the CEO of one of the biggest companies in the world because they’re stupid. According to Nat, Happy Hogan hadn’t been in the room and Pepper already knew about SHIELD from the first time they’d dealt with Iron Man, so breaking cover with her wasn’t awful. 

* * *

From that point on, working with Pepper is much easier. The work load is still intimidating, but doable. When they go to watch Justin Hammer’s presentation, things are much more relaxed between them, less tense, and that takes off a lot of added stress. She really likes Pepper, aside from Maria and Victoria, she doesn’t know a lot of capable people in charge. 

Well, everything is fine until they actually see Hammer’s presentation. They both sit in disbelief as Hammer literally dances onto the stage. His whole speech is pretentious, especially since he stole the tech to begin with. Things get worse when he reveals something called the Hammer Drone which look like bulky Iron Man suits with ridiculous amounts of weaponry. He has a different type for each branch of the military and the amount of clapping going on is beginning to irritate her. Things get even worse when the pilot is revealed to be Lt. Col. James Rhodes. She hadn’t thought it possible, but then Stark arrives as Iron Man. 

She’d never thought Vanko was dead, but Hammer working with him was something she should have seen coming. It’s confirmed when Rhodes turns on Stark. This is different from last time, this time Rhodes isn’t in control and neither are the drones. At least this time people have enough sense to run when things get out of hand. Rhodes and the drones take off after Stark and it isn’t long before they’re coming back towards civilians. 

At least, by that time she and Pepper are going after Hammer. Hammer tries to make them leave and then she sees Pepper take charge. That only goes so far though, so then she’s taking things into her own hands and smashing his head into the control panel. As she takes off after Vanko, she hears Pepper take over. 

Despite all the explosions, Happy Hogan is still waiting with the car. While they’re on the way there she makes the mistake of thinking she’s dealing with a professional. As she changes into her SHIELD uniform, Happy nearly wrecks the car looking at her in the rearview mirror. Happy manages to get them there in piece. Even though she’s more than capable herself, Happy insists on helping. She sees him throw a punch at the first guy, and she has a feeling that’s as far as he’ll get so at least he’s out of her way. From that point on, she does one of the things she’s best at. Security should really be better than this but at least she gets to Vanko fast. Unfortunately, by the time they get to the room, Vanko is gone, but she can still salvage things. Hacking in Russian isn’t a problem and she focuses on rebooting Rhodey’s suit. She patches Stark in as well as Pepper on another screen. That’s when he calls her Agent Romanoff, but she’s too busy to care at the moment. She gives him a read on his vitals, and then there’s a bit of an argument between Pepper and Stark over the fact that he had been dying. It makes it a bit hard to concentrate, so she gets them all focused back on the real problem. 

Pepper takes control of things where she is, but Ivan decides to use that moment to make his appearance, equipped with his own tech again. Stark and Rhodey take care of him and then Stark and Pepper are trying to have a moment until it’s interrupted by Rhodey. At that point, Fury orders me back to the Helicarrier, but stays behind, still having something to discuss with Stark. The last thing she does is hand the Director her assessment of Stark before heading out. 

* * *

Maria had known that Fury was staying behind, but she didn’t know that Nat was coming back before him. If she had, maybe she wouldn’t have been in her office well past when she was supposed to. Expecting someone else, anyone else, there’s a knock on her door. 

“Enter” she answers wearily. It’s been a long day and both her arm and leg hurt. 

“Aren’t you supposed to be back in your quarters by now? Like at least six hours ago?” asks Natasha. She jumps in her chair and manages to hit her leg underneath her desk. Unfortunately, she isn’t able to hide her wince in time and Natasha is by her side in an instant. “How’d you even manage to get your leg under there?” She looks away, not wanting to admit that it had taken her the better part of twenty minutes to get comfortable. 

“Welcome back” she says, hoping to change the subject while Natasha helps settle her on the couch. Natasha gives her a look that has her feeling a little guilty as well since she knows better than this. 

“Well, you warned me that anything could happen, and it did from the moment I arrived. Being partners with Clint had prepared me for that sort of thing, but not on that level. I like Pepper though, she’s a good CEO but is also pretty good at dealing with Stark.” This time Maria is the one leveling her with a look, getting straight to things. 

“Ivan Vanko knew you, didn’t he?” Natasha doesn’t exactly turn to look away, but she does avoid eye contact. 

“Please don’t make a joke like how all evil Russians know each other. I’m sure I’ll be getting that from more than a few other agents in a while.” 

“Nat, you know me better than that. Can you actually see me saying that? I’m more concerned about what would have happened if you two had run into each other.” Natasha looks ashamed for a moment and then looks away again, making it clear that it had come close to happening. “What was your plan for when that happened?” 

“I wasn’t exactly unarmed, but even if I had been, I’m still a pretty good threat-“ 

“I’m aware, but what are the odds that he would be? The guy who showed up to the race with his own arc reactor whips?” Natasha narrows her eyes at her. 

“I was there. I maintained my cover just like-“ 

“You were supposed to, I know. That’s not when you could have bumped into him, is it? No, it’s when you only had Happy Hogan as back up. I monitored the situation from here. Vanko showed up in an Iron Man imitation suit of his own. Rhodey and Stark, took care of him, but he still had a trick up his sleeve, a bomb in all the drones.” She knows that Natasha knows all this already, after all, she’d been closer to all the action than she was. 

“I would have figured something out” mumbles Natasha. Maria has no doubt about that, but whether it would have worked is a different matter. It’s something she’d rather not think about and won’t since it hadn’t happened. “Did you know Director Fury was coming to confront Stark with me? I thought it would be Coulson.” 

“Dealing with Stark is tough, something I think you know now personally, and aside from Pepper, Fury is really the only authority he’ll really listen to, but only a little more than others. Then there’s the fact that Director Fury likes you” explains Maria. 

“He’s only met me two or three times aside from my intake. How does he know if he likes me?” 

“Well, Victoria likes you, and as your handler that evaluation means a lot. Clint likes you, but I’m not sure what that counts for. I also like you, and that counts more than anything. In terms of you professionally, my faith in you wasn’t misplaced. I also like you personally, but I don’t think he cares about that side of things.” Natasha gives her a tired small smile and settles on the arm of the couch. 

“Well, I got to use lots of my skills during this mission and thankfully none of them were fatal. Everyone except Vanko got out okay. You were right though, it looks like Director Fury chose me for this assignment personally. There’s also something else going on because he had me evaluate Stark for something. I didn’t tell him anything he didn’t already know, so I don’t really see the point.” Maria smirks a little at that. 

“That’s just the way Fury works. Don’t bother trying to figure it out-“ 

“I’m not high up enough to know?” 

“Maybe, but what I meant was, his plan will come together one way or another, but only when he has all the pieces in place and it doesn’t look like they are yet. All you’ll do is hurt your head trying to figure it out until then. Believe me, all I’ve ever gotten are migraines.” 

With a sigh, she knows that it’s past time to go bed. Natasha seems to sense this too and looks around the room for her crutches. Maria looks at the carpet when Natasha spots her cane propped against the desk. The look Natasha gives her says she knows it’s too early for her to be using a cane. Neither of them says anything, but Natasha helps her to her feet. She lets her keep her cane but holds her around the waist as they make their way down the corridors back to her quarters. Stumbling on the way there get them a few looks, a few sneers, but the looks Natasha gives them in return are much darker. 

Once they make it to her quarters, Maria turns to say goodnight, by now she can manage most things herself. She wasn’t prepared for Natasha to kiss her cheek. She stands there stunned for a moment before squeezing her hand and giving her a soft smile. She’d thought about how she’d kissed the side of Natasha’s head before she went off to start her mission. She hadn’t thought about it, did it without thinking, but didn’t regret it either. Squeezing her hand again, she goes inside. 

As she showers, she goes over the thoughts she can’t push away. She’d known it wasn’t likely to be a life or death kind of mission, but some never start out that way. There’s never any way to tell really. Vanko in Monaco and the whole mess in Stark’s house, those both could have gone very wrong. She has to remind herself that they hadn’t, but Phil’s reports had made light of both incidents. The race track would have been hard to predict, but Phil should have kept track of him after he was locked up. She knew Natasha told him about the attack and she’d nearly been right about things. Like most times, Stark got lucky and managed to get himself out of it, but it had been close. He’s good at what he does, but could use a little more practice in the suit. Blasting things and flying isn’t always going to cut it. 

It isn’t all on Phil though, no matter how much she wishes it was. The rest of SHIELD could have monitored Vanko. She should have monitored Vanko. Anyone could see that prison break coming. When it came to who broke him out, well, that wasn’t much of a surprise either. It’s not like Hammer suddenly got smart enough to make those drones on his own. 

She rinses all these thoughts down the drain and grabs a towel. She’s finally got getting into clothes down and it doesn’t hurt so much anymore. Curling up in bed, she can still feel where Natasha’s lips brushed her cheek. For once, she goes to sleep with a pleasant thought instead of already mentally preparing for the next day. 

* * *

In her own quarters, Natasha is kicking herself. She’d reacted out of impulse and that kind of thinking had been the wrong thing to do in Red Room. Impulse could compromise the mission, give away your position, could get you killed, but to Red Room, that last one wasn’t as important. 

She reminds herself that this is a new start. She doesn’t have to think like that anymore. There won’t be any harsh punishment for impulsive actions here. Well, that might not be true. If it had been anyone else there wouldn’t be, but Maria was different. Maria had smiled at her though, smiled and squeezed her hand twice. 

She remembers Maria’s kiss against her head. She’d been happy enough with just her arm around her and the kiss had been unexpected. She’d done her best not to react, not to give away how much it meant to her. It looked like Maria had acted on impulse too. Maybe impulses weren’t such bad things. 


End file.
